Chapter 7 Expectations most issues come from here we don t communicate our expectations until they ve been violated become problematic when were unaware of what we REALLY expect when theyre unreasonable or unspoken bc scared or hasn t come up conflict is what you see vs what you get suspicions assumptions perceptions Common clashes gender roles money standards of hygiene Common unrealistic expectations mindreading is expected disagreement is destructive and ppl shouldn t fight sexual perfectionism partners can change and that sexes aren t different Common realistic ones loyalty trust honesty good communication conflict in relationship feeling safe All depends HOW you ve spoken to partner about them and allow them to meet most important ones Being single person who has never been married is divorced or is widowed Types of single Voluntary temporary unmarried who is delaying marriage for job or education working on self Voluntary stable unmarried adult desiring single lifestyle ex Monks divorcees widow Involuntary temporary actively searching for mate but unable to find suitable one common to move from vol temp to this Involuntary stable unmarried adult who expect to be single for life even though they don t want to disabled Friendships provide valuable support while single and partnered Female friendships more intimate relationship focused Male friendships activity focuses Cross sex friendships more common today than in past complicated w tensions Evolution of dating moving from singlehood to marriage colonial time calling a young man visiting a womans home ask her parents first and stays in home over night sometimes ex Braveheart Industrialized dating occurs in social settings outside of home in groups Modern cohabitation 6 8 million ppl do this Who do we date homogamy people w similar characteristics like ethnicity social class and values Propinquity geographic closeness Views on cohabitation it s a sin not about living together but about having sex before marriage making financial sense shouldn t be the only reasons alternative to marriage if never intend to marry or gay NOT a testing ground for marriage like test driving a car when youre not responsible for it or put effort into it Linked to relationships not lasting more likely to have unhappy marriages more likely to divorce Reasons Homo relationships Chapter 8 selection effect characteristic of person more important than actual cohabitation people who marry are different from those who don t more happy experience effect the experience of one or more cohabitations is important numbs you to the idea that marriage and cohabitation are different I don t need to get married ill just cohabitate les couples have most equal and least sexualized relationship out of all homo and hetero couple types Love strong affection for one another arising from kinship of personal ties attraction based on sexual desire affection based on admiration benevolence desire to do good to others or common interests Images of love in history romantic love and marriage were often NOT associated ancient greek and roman mythology and early Christianity didn t associate love w marriage 12th century during middle ages there were precursurs to romantic love in marriage Feminization of love Beginning 19th century love associated w private work or women in home like nurturing fam Industrial revolution men go to work and experience the stresses of labor outside home Home becomes haven of rest for men and women become keepers of it thus caregiving and domesticity fam life become roles of women Contemporary ideas of love romantic love characterized by passion melodrama excitement and receives media attention Companionate love grows over time strong commitment friendship and trust Limerance very intense emotions experience during early formation of attachment to indiv Theoretical perspectives on love sociobiology evolutionary theory that humans have instinctive impulse to pass on their genetic material Biochem perspective of love theories suggest humans are attracted to certain types of people at which point the brain releases natural chemicals that give us a rush called sexual attraction Love as attachment theory the way infants form attachments early in life will affect relationships throughout later life Types of attachment secure where infants feel safe when mom out of sight anxious infants nervous when parents leave room and can show rejection when parent returns avoidant infants show little attachment to their primary parent not upset when they leave or happy when return Sternbergs triangle theory of love Intimacy commitment passion to have a holistic love need all three to be balanced Intimacy sharing physical touch feelings closeness Commitment long term decision to be connected hardest to achieve Passion can have strong feelings strong physical and emotional drive doesn t have to be sexual develops quickest 8 types If you have none nonlove Only intimacy empty love Only commitment liking someone Only passion infatuation Passion intimacy fatuous love Intimacy commitment companionate love Passion commitment romantic love All three is consummate love Lees styles of love Eros passionate strong physical attraction eratic solely romantic Storge companionate mutual love respect trust mostly friendship love Pragma practical sensible do I wanna marry this person Ludus playful carefree casual fuck buddy Agape altruistic kind patient how God loves Mania obsessive possessive intense Reiss s wheel theory of love Continuous cycle rapport self revelation mutual dependency personality need fulfillment Rapport building relationship w trust and respect Self revelation sharing intimate info about oneself Mutual dependency desire to spend time together Personality need fulfillment satisfy majority of each others emotional needs Needs and love legit being needs arise in present rather than out of deficits accumulated in past emotional support understanding sex Illegitimate needs deficiency needs arise from feelings of self doubt unworthiness and inadequacy stemming from hurts in past insatiable cant be satisfied Martying maintain relationship by ignoring own legit needs to try to satisfy partners legit and illegit needs Manipulation seeking to control feeling attitudes and behavior of partners Chapter 9 Attitude isn t same as behavior nari hates Obama but doesn t act on it Between ages 2 5 kids do stuff that looks sexual but its not bc of their age and theyre not socialized
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