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Chapter 6 Communication Conflict and Power in Our Relationships JOHN GOTMAN The Importance of Communication Communication an interactive process that uses symbols like words and gestures to both send and receive messages o Communication is A transaction A process Includes co construction of meanings You are bringing to the table what your thought of a meaning is Ideas about certain words Uses symbols The cultural Context of Communication Embracing Difference Race Ethnicity and Communication Social Class and Communication Cultural Differences o Sapir Whorf Hypothesis The concept that language shapes our culture and at the same time our culture shapes our language Texting google facebooking all verbs o Individualist vs Collectivist Cultures Focuses on personal achievement and independence Collectivist china o High vs Low context Culture High emphasis on indirect and non verbal communication o Masculine vs Feminine Cultures Masculine aggressive harsh culture o Centralized vs Decentralized culture Centralized power has all power in few people huge difference between power and no power cuba US is decentralized those in power take into consideration every one else o High vs Low ambiguity High not a lot of clear cut rules Greece o Short term vs Long term time orientation Instant gratification vs patience o Listening the process of giving thoughtful attention to what we hear To be a good listener Receive the message hear it Understand the message decode what the message is Retain it for some period of time Evaluate what you have heard Then you can respond o I don t understand what you said could you repeat Types of Communication Are you listening to me verbal communication it s all your fault o divorce has a lot to do with communication o GOTMAN s IDEAS solvable problems things that don t have the deep meaning associated to them taking out the trash perpetual problems ex wanting children Study on a couples conversations Negative affect aspects of a convo between a couple and how they are perceived anger sadness whining things you encounter in a convo High intensity Belligerence contempt and defensiveness making excuses not taking responsibility He found that the more positive affect higher leverl of happiness 4 horsemen of the apocalypse Criticism different than a complaint Attacking someone s character When people say you never or you always Contempt eye rolling sarcasm mocking Defensiveness Only escalates the conflict Stonewalling The silent treatment Easy ways to de escalate conflict I statements make it about you don t blame it on the person take a break take a few from fighting to regroup and figure out what your truly fighting about PAUSE how I met your mother Five Stage Model of the Listening Process Receiving hearing attending understanding learning deciphering meaning remembering Types of Communication Nonverbal Communication What Exactly Does That Smile Mean o Non verbal communication communicating without words by using gestures expressions and body language o Hand gestures in different cultures are interpreted differently Written Electronic Communication o Obvious conveniences Informality is the new norm Understatement essays are more informal class assignments are too informal abbreviations are common Our writing influences our speech We have volume control over our messages We have more relationships with less depth Texting to end relationships We can live in the moment status updates Sex Differences in Communication Women s Patterns more likely to use conversation to build relationship o Women are more likely too smile more often in communication express a wider range of emotions and non verbal expressions give the nonverbal feedback that they re listening Men s Patterns use activities to build relations Communication is for information exchange o More likely to take up as much physical space o Men s communication is more direct and to the point o Speech is less likely to convey feelings of emotion Why do women and men communicate differently o Socialization how we are socialized to communicate Girls sit next to each other to talk boys more likely to be doing the activity maybe talking during it Women use both sides of brain when communicating men only use the left Communicating to Keep Your Relationships Strong Self Disclosure Self disclosure telling a person something private about yourself that he or she would not otherwise know o Jahari lingo useful for self disclosure Conflict Communication and Problem Solving Conflict when you disagree over just about anything o Disagreements over decision making problem solving or achieving goals which can result from differences vetween group members in personality perception information tolerance for risk How you handle conflict matters Can serve to strengthen relationships Types of Conflict o Pseudoconflict mistakenly perceive that our partner is o Content conflict when we disagree about information interfering with our goals checkable information o Value conflict results from differing opinions relates to personal values issues of right or wrong Perpetual problem o Ego conflict individuals think they need to win at all costs The hardest type to resolve How we deal with conflict o Depends on the type of conflict o TABLE 6 4 Avoiding just walk away remove yourself physically Accommodating meeting their goals whatever from the situation you say Competing attempt to meet own goals regardless of what the other person says Compromising both partners give up what they want to achieve partial satisfaction Collaborating working on finding best solution for both parties Intimacy communication and conflict o Regulating couples couples who use communication to promote closeness and intimacy o Nonregulated couples couples who have many negative communication exchanges Power Control and Decision Making Power the ability to exercise your will Personal Power the degree of autonomy a person has to exercise his or her will o Will power Social Power the ability to exercise you will over another person Intimate Partner Power a type of power that involves decision making among intimate partners their division of labor and their sense of entitlement Many sources of power o Cohersive power using physical force o Reward power o Expert power ability to have power due to your special o Informational power power someone can use to get you to do Knowing about a disease to get people to get ppl knowledge or ability something vaccinated o Reprant power the


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FSU FAD 2230 - Chapter 6: Communication

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