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I didn t tell Pam that Jim is stupid Sally eats shoots and leaves VS Sally eats shoots and leaves 8 different words could have 8 different meanings Or more with hand signals Test 2 Notes CHAPTER 6 Good listening examples Eye contact Not interrupting What is communication Ex Texting world Different connotations k I m done fine Assumptions Family communication is not random Consistent repetitive patterns Communication is transactional Exchanging information It is impossible not to communicate The 4 elements of Communication Elements of Communicator The person who creates and sends the message What we wear body presence facial expression mannerisms and tone of Individual is a total system voice are all forms of information about the communicator Message receiver Medium The message is the unit of information transmitted between the sender and Message may contain thoughts feelings ideas suggestions or commands Prepared encoded by the communicator The median is the way a message is presented to the recipient Talking television text messaging notes emails etc presentation Message is often determined to a degree by the medium The Recipient The recipient is the receiver of the message The receiver interprets the message based on his her personality life experiences and the relational context Communication continued Conflict What is conflict Requires two options choices Some different definitions Incompatibility Disagreement Opposition Battle Struggle Is conflict healthy All of these have an emotional component that ties them together John Gottman found that fighting or airing out grievances and complaints is one of the healthiest things that couples can do for their relationships Why If you don t deal with a conflict the beginning it can get worse over time Remember the iceberg analogy The event is the tip of the iceberg What you see However what we see isn t always what we get The stuff under the surface is referred to as the internal conflict and that it what we get Question Are all conflicts Solvable Solvable means it has a solution Ex Cutting the grass If you want the grass cut then either you can cut it yourself or you can pay someone to do it for you Either way you have options for solve the problem Perceptual Conflict or problem that is w in a relationship that can never be solved Ex Having kids If you or your partner doesn t want to have kids and the other person does this is a problem We cannot force people to have kids against their will i e not solvable Avoiding conflict Anger instead people feel uncomfortable being mad so they do something else instead like over eating gossiping talking about the problem to everyone except that person Passive aggression Def When a person expresses anger someone but does so indirectly rather than directly i e Chronic Criticism nagging sarcasm or forms of sabotage Sabotage one partner attempts to spoil or undermine some activity the other has planned Ex When a significant other attempts to ruin the other person s night by texting things such as I am out with friends and you don t need to know where Hope you are having fun while I sit here Etc Displacement a person directs anger the things the other person cherishes Gottman s Four Horseman of the Apocalypse Contempt Characterized by the intent to insult or abuse your partner emotionally Ex rolling your eyes or mocking Criticism attacking personality rather than the specific behavior Ex belittling someone Defensiveness defending yourself from a perceived attack will escalate an argument This can cause the argument to escalate very quickly Stonewalling A person refuses to listen to their partner s complaints or stories physically and emotionally Lone ranger Belligerence A behavior that is provocative and that challenges the spouses power and authority Gottman later added this idea after additional research Ex What can you do if I go out drinking w Dave What are you going to do about it Gender Difference Report talk Conversation aimed mainly at conveying info Men usually engage in this form of conversation Think of like giving a report You want to keep it short sweet and simple as well as get your point across Rapport talk Speaking to gain or reinforce rapport or intimacy Women engage more in this form Female demand male withdraw pattern Women attuned to emotional quality of relationship Men try to minimize conflict Goals of men women Women resolve a conflict with understanding Men avoid a blow up What women can do Use positive affect Shared humor Expression of affection Soften the way she brings up complaint What men can do Contempt Do not escalate the argument with Defensiveness Belligerence Try to share power in relationship accept influence Let partner win PREP Prevention Relationship enhancement program Relationship info and communication skills Skills are what you do you need to practice them Watch out for Ineffective complaining Mind reading Name calling Blaming You always or you never Communication danger signs Escalation Putdowns invalidation Avoidance withdrawals What you should do Taking a time out Steps 1 Recognize communication danger signs 2 Call time out in proper manner We need to take a time out I need to take a time out 3 Go do something to calm down Don t plan next attack 4 Time back in when both parties calm and can speak CHAPTER 7 Marriage Marriage A close intimate union a relationship between husband and wife As a law Contract upon a voluntary private agreement by a man a woman to become a husband and a wife Legal contract Basis of family unit Vital to the preservation of morals and civilization Changes in marriage Review Remember the changes throughout America from Unit 1 Marriage Norms Changing over time Purpose for marriage Age at marriage Gay and lesbian marriage vs Civil Unions Attitudes about nonmarital sex Attitudes about cohabitation Attitude about nonmarital childbearing Attitudes about shared breadwinning Attitudes about division of household labor Main purpose of Marriage Chart Mutual benefit and fulfillment highest percentage Child rearing highest amongst Hispanic population 18 29 year old population Think it s more about them and less about children How we value marriage is different across cultures Ex Across time 1995 2005 Trend People are marrying less Marriage gradient Women typically marry up Wealthier higher status taller older etc Men typically marry down Opposite of women Marriage Norms Increased support for gay marriage Reasons Prevalent in media More


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FSU FAD 2230 - Test 2 Notes

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