Chapter 6 Conflict and Communication Comunication the process of exchanging and interpreting ideas and feelings o Ideas what s going on in your mind o Feelings what s going on in your heart Assumptions about Communication o Family communication is not random Consistent Repetitive o Transactional Information is exchanged o Impossible not to communicate Silence sends a message Elements of communication o Communicator Person who creates and sends the message Individual is a total system What we wear body presence facial expressions mannerisms and o Message tone of voice Unit of information transmitted between sender and receiver May contain Thoughts Feelings Suggestions Commands Ideas Talking Television Text Note Email Prepared by the communicator not always received as intended o Medium The way a message is presented to the recipient Message is often determined by the medium o Recipient Receiver of the message Interprets the message based on Personality Life experiences Relational context Conflict negative aspects of communications o Conflicts of opinion or in a calendar scheduling Incompatibility disagreement opposition battle struggle argument o Jon Gottman found that fighting or airing out grievances and complaints is one of the healthiest things that a couple can do for their relationship Helps solves problems won t repeat Understand each other bonding Otherwise negative thoughts feelings build up o Conflicts are like an iceberg the even that spurs it is only what you see when in reality there is a whole list of underlying reasons perceptions attitudes mood assumptions expectations etc o NOT all conflicts are solvable Jon Gottman Solvable conflict or problem that has a solutions Cutting the grass Perpetual conflict or problem that within a relationship can never be solved Having children I want children she doesn t Personality differences that cannot change o Anger insteads people feel uncomfortable being mad so they do something Avoiding Conflict else instead like Over eating gossiping talking about the problem to everyone else o Passive aggression when a person expresses anger at someone but does so indirectly rather than directly Chronic criticism nagging sarcasm forms of sabotage Sabotage one partner attempts to spoil or undermine some activity the other has planned Displacement a person directs anger at the people or things that the other cherishes i e kicking the dog Jon Gottman s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Biblical signs of end of time Conquest Contempt Death Criticism War Defensiveness And belligerence Famine stonewalling Rolling eyes mocking o Contempt characterized by the intent to insult or abuse your partner emotionally o Criticism attacking personality rather than the specific behavior Broad attacks over little issues o Defensiveness defending yourself from a perceived attack will escalate and o Stonewalling a person refuses to listen to their partner s complaints or stories o Belligerence a behavior that is provocative and that challenges the spouse s argument Not listening and interrupting Physically and emotionally power and authority Added later after more research what are you going to do about it You re not the boss of me Gender Differences o Report Talk conversation aimed mainly at conveying information Male tendency o Rapport Talk speaking to gain or reinforce rapport or intimacy drag out Female tendency Conflict patterns o Female demand Male withdraw Women attuned to emotional quality of relationship Men try to minimize conflict o Goals of Men and Women Women resolve the conflict with understanding 2 parts to goal Men avoid a blow up What Women can do o Use positive affect Shared Humor Receive use humor better Expressions of affection o Soften the way she brings up complaints Bring up good things at same time Ask to talk later or if it is a good time to talk What Men can do o Do NOT escalate the argument with Defensiveness Contempt Belligerence o Try to share power in the relationship accept influence Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program PREP o Relationship information and communication skills Skills are what you do need to practice to get better o Scott Stanley is author What to watch out for o Ineffective ways of complaining Minding reading I bet you but rather say I feel Name calling Blaming You always or You never o Communication DANGER SIGNS Similar to 4 horsement Escalation tone of voice Putdowns Invalidations that sounds stupid you have no right Avoidance Withdrawal not dealing with the situation Taking a time out o We need to take a time out Used to de escalate a situation o Do something relaxing don t ruminate o Come back in 20 30 minutes NOT MORE THAN 24 hours though Chapter 7 Marital Relationships Marriage o Legal Definition Marriage is a close intimate union a relationship between husband and wife not husband and husband o As a law Marriage is a contract upon a voluntary private agreement by a man and woman to become husband and wife Legal Contract sign together for a house property divorce is legal o Considered the basis of the family unit assuming will have children o Vital to the preservation of morals and civilization Patterns of Marriage o Parallel Relationship Pattern Assume traditional roles little intimacy live parallel lives Male works female is homemaker o Interactional Pattern Partners expect companionship and intimacy strong communication Share friends hobbies etc Types of Marriage o Homogamy spouses share certain social characteristics such as race age ethnicity religion education and social class Most predominant in 1st marriages o Heterogamy Spouses do not share certain social characteristics Occurs more often in people s second marriage o Endogamy Marrying within one s specific cultural group such as ethnicity social class or religion o Exogamy Marrying outside one s specific cultural group o Peer Marriages relationships in which spouses consider themselves to have equal status or standing in the relationship in sharing breadwinning housework and childrearing A 50 50 and up to 60 40 sharing of responsibilities and power o Near Peer Marriages equality is important but the husband participates in less than 40 of domestic tasks o Traditional marriages male holds more power and authority in the relationship and both spouses were satisfied with this arrangement Five Marriage Relationships 1 Conflict Habituated constant battle over almost everything 2 Devitalized married only several years until spark dies 3 Passive
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