Chapters 6 10 Chapter 6 Communication and Conflict Communication is the process of exchanging AND interpreting ideas AND feelings Assumptions about communication Some assume communication is random Communication is NOT random It has a set pattern and is consistent An example of this is knowing how your parents will react if you ask them certain questions i e Can I have money Communication is transactional This means that it is a transaction or exchange words feelings actions It is impossible to not communicate There is no such thing as zero communication There is always an exchange of something maybe not words but facial expressions body language etc There are 4 elements of communication Communicator person who creates and sends message The communicator creates a message in the brain and encodes it in such a way that the receiver can understand it This is mostly seen with age and the types of words we use You do not use sophisticated words when talking to a 5 year old you can communicate through personal appearance as well as words Message thoughts ideas feelings transmitted from sender to receiver An awareness of what and how you want to say something for it to be encoded so that the receiver understands the message starts in the brain Medium how the message is delivered Texting talking television written note etc Message is often determined by medium Recipient person who interprets decodes the message based on past experiences context of the message and personality The audience The communicator and recipient are people who use personality and experiences to help encode and decode messages Conflict requires two options or choices Some description words for conflict incompatibility disagreement opposition battle and struggle Jon Gottman said relationships are healthy Fighting airing out grievances is one of the healthiest things a couple can do in a relationship This is because fighting means that you care about the other person s opinion No fighting signals disengagement because you no longer care about their opinion so no need to fight The origin of conflict Expectations that are untold can lead to conflict Solvable conflict conflict or problem with a solution Perpetual conflict conflict or problem within a relationship that can never be solved Example a problem involving how to raise children you cannot just get rid of the children Avoiding Conflict Anger insteads Instead of being mad the person handles feelings in another way Eating gossiping telling other people about the problem but never confronting the person who it concerns etc Passive Aggression anger is expressed indirectly rather than directly i e chronic criticism nagging and sabotage Sabotage one partner attempts to spoil or undermine an activity the other person has planned Example boyfriend purposefully making his girlfriend feel so bad she cancels plans to hang out with friends Displacement person directs anger at people or possessions the other person cherishes Gottman s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Contempt intent to insult or abuse your partner emotionally ex rolling of eyes Criticism attacking ones personality rather than a specific behavior Defensiveness defending yourself from a perceived attack will escalate an argument Stonewalling person refusing to listen to the other person both physically and emotionally Belligerence is a behavior that is provocative and challenges spouse s authority and power Example saying What are you going to do about it So what if I do this Gender Differences in Communication MEN Report talk conversation aimed at conveying information MEN TYPICALLY DO THIS Men try to minimize conflict and avoid blow ups What men can do in a conflict Do not escalate with defensiveness contempt or belligerence Share power in an argument and accept influence WOMEN Rapport talk speaking to gain or reinforce rapport or intimacy WOMEN TYPICALLY DO THIS Women are always watching out for the emotional quality in a relationship Women tend to resolve conflict with understanding What women can do in a conflict Use positive affects shared humor expressions of affection Soften the way she brings up a complaint PREP Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program Skills are what you do they need practice Ineffective ways of complaining Mind reading Name calling You always you never statements this makes people become defensive Blaming should not justify actions by blaming someone else Communication danger signs Escalation defensiveness Put downs invalidation Avoidance withdrawal not talking When all of these things occur a time out from the argument is suggested Steps again 1 Recognize communication danger signs 2 Call a time out we need to take a break plan for a time in 3 Do something to calm down this does not mean plan the next attack 4 When both parties are calm and can speak productively start conversation An uncomfortable heart rate is considered anything above 90 beats min On average a 20 min minimum break is suggested to lower heart rate Speaker listener technique Chapter 7 Marriage Marriage is the union between two people traditionally it is the relationship between a husband and a wife Marriage as law the legal contract upon a voluntary private agreement by a man and woman to become husband and wife Everyone defines what is acceptable within his or her own marriage Marriage is considered to be Basis of a family unit marriage is the foundation of a family so it is VERY important to make marriage a priority Vital to the preservation of morals and civilization Provider for children and teaches morals Marriage through the ages Colonial America Marriage was a business which created a family economy Industrial Revolution Home life became haven and center of rest Women showed love by caring for the home Men showed love by making money to support a family Modern America Marriage centered heavily on love Strong belief that you should be in love with your spouse Over the years there have been changes in the purpose for marriage age of marriage gay and lesbian vs civil unions attitudes about non marital sex attitudes about cohabitation and non marital child bearing attitudes about shared breadwinning and attitudes about the division of household labor Main purpose of Marriage Mutual benefit and fulfillment Hispanic s feel that marriage is more about their children when compared to other racial groups Men on average are older than women when they get married This is maybe because women are interested in
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