Message Medium Chapter 6 Communication Communication the process of exchanging and interpreting ideas and feelings Communication is transactions exchanging info Family communication is not random consistent protective pattern It is impossible not to communicate Communicator The person who creates and sends the message Individual is a total system what we wear body presence facial expressions mannerisms and tone of voice are all information about the communicator is the unit of information transmitted between sender and receiver message may contain thoughts feelings ideas suggestions or comments prepared encoded by the communicator the medium is the way a message is presented to the recipient talking television text message note email message is often determined to a degree by the medium recipient recipient is the receiver of the message the receiver interprets the message based on his her personality life experiences and the relational concept Requires two options choices Some different definitions incompatibility disagreement opposition battle struggle Jon Gottman found that fighting or airing out grievances and complaints is one of the healthiest things that a couple can do for their relationship Why Bottling it up and not taking care of issues can be bad resentment lack of Conflict What is conflict Are Conflicts healthy communication Are all conflicts solvable Solvable conflict or problem that has a solution ex cutting the grass Perpetual conflict or problem that within a relationship can never be solved ex having children Avoiding conflict Anger insteads people feel comfortable being mad so they do something else instead like over eat gossip talking about the problem to everyone except the person Working out shopping etc Passive aggression when a person expresses anger at someone but does so indirectly rather than directly chronic criticism nagging sarcasm forms of sabotage Sabotage one partner attempts to spoil or undermine some activity the other has planned Displacement a person directs anger at the people or things that other cherishes break peoples stuff Four horsemen of the Apocalypse Conquest Death War Famine Gottman s four horsemen your eyes mocking Contempt characterized by the intent to insult or abuse your partner emotionally rolling Criticism attacking personality rather than the specific behavior Defensiveness defending yourself from a perceived attack will escalate in an argument Stonewalling a person refuses to listen to their partner s complaints or stores physically and emotionally storming out of the room hanging up on you Belligerence a behavior that is provocative and that challenges the spouse s power and authority Ex What can you do if I go out and drink with dave What are you going to do about it 10 9 WRITING ASSIGNMENT DUE IN TWO WEEKS Gender differences Report talk conversation aimed mainly at conveying information men usually engage in this form Rapport talk speaking to gain or reinforce rapport or intimacy women usually engage in this form Female demand male withdraw pattern Men try to minimize conflict Goals of men and women Women resolve the conflict with understanding Men avoid a blow up What women can do Use positive affect Shared humor Expressions of affection Soften the way she brings up a complaint What men can do Do not escalate the argument with Defensiveness Contempt Belligerence Try to share power in the relationship accept influence Prep Prevention and relationship enhancement program Relationship information and communication skills Skills are what you do you need to practice them What to watch out for Ineffective ways of complaining Mind reading Name calling you always or you never blaming Communication danger signs escalation put down invalidation avoidance withdrawal Taking a time out recognize communication danger signs we need to take a time out I need to take a time out 1 2 Call the time out in proper manner 3 4 5 Plan for the time in at least 30 min no longer than 24 hours 6 Go do something to calm down don t ruminate or plan your next attack 7 Time back in when both parties are calm and can speak productively 10 11Chatper 7 Marriage What is marriage A close intimate union a relationship between husband and wife As a law contract upon a voluntary private agreement by a man and a woman to become husband and wife Legal contract Considered the basis of the family unit Vital to the preservation of morals and civilization Changes in US marriage A review Colonial America same socioeconomic status survival Marriage after industrial revolution bread winner father love for the family woman takes are of home Modern marriage equality we expect more from men now than back then Marriage norms Purpose for marriage Changing over time Age at marriage Having children later Gay and lesbian marriage vs Civil Unions Attitudes about nonmarital sex Attitudes of cohabitation Attitudes about nonmarital child bearing Attitudes about shared breadwinning Attitudes about the division of household labor 10 14 Main purpose of marriage throughout different races and ages Chart in book Mutual benefit and fulfillment Bearing and raising children Percent married Whites 56 2009 60 1995 Blacks 33 2009 40 1995 Hispanics 48 2009 54 1995the average age of which we marry has been increasing since 1960 for both men and women Laws Regarding Marriage Marriage is a state law determined state by state All states limit one living husband or wife at a time Can only remarry if widowed divorced or annulled Each state sets regulations on age and close relationships Same sex marriage is outlawed in many states Some states have domestic partner laws legal and emotional benefits Same sex couples and legal marriage Defense of marriage act DOMA 1996 Allows states to refuse to grant reciprocity concerning same sex marriages Federal statute declaring marriage to be a legal union of a man and a woman The marriage premise Marriage premise couple s acceptance of responsibility to work hard to ensure the relationship continues based on two exceptions 1 Expectations of permanence 2 Expectation of primariliness often includes sexual exclusivity 5 marriage relationships 1 Conflict habituated constant battle over everything 2 Devitalized married several years 3 Passive congenial partners never expected emotional closeness 4 Vital being together and sharing the major joys in life 5 Total like vital but almost everything is done happily together Present day marital satisfaction Social
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