o Chapter 6 o Conflict and Communication o Communication Girls want to communicate all the time Impossible not to communicate even when you give them cold shoulder you are communicating We can communicate with body language tone of voice Delivery of communication is very important We think about This is what I want to say but we don t know how to deliver it o Communication feelings Definition The process of exchanging and interpreting ideas and At least 2 parties are involved can convey what you think and Emotional intelligence being able to identify thoughts and what you feel feelings Communication Assumptions Family communication is not random o Consistent repetitive patterns Communication is transactional o Exchanging information It is impossible not to communicate o Elements of communication o The Communicator The person who creates and sends the message Individual is a total system What we wear body presence facial expressions mannerisms and tone of voice are all forms of information about the communicator Everything about us influences how we communicate gender perception culture relationship o The message receiver commands o The message is the unit of information transmitted between sender and o Message may contain thoughts feelings thoughts ideas suggestions or o Prepared encoded by the communicator Communicator must make sure the message is encoded to be received o The medium correctly o The medium is the way a message is presented to the recipient o Talking television text message note e mail etc o Message is often determined to a degree by the medium Ex When we give a gift we expect a thank you card o The recipient o The recipient is the receiver of the message o The receiver interprets the message based on his or her personality life experiences and the relational context o INTENT ENCODE BEHAVIOR Decode Impact o Conflict o What is a conflict Requires two options choices o Some different definitions Incompatibility Disagreement Opposition Battle Struggle Conflict can be caused by poor communication Not all communication is good communication When 2 people are together even simple decisions cause conflict Where do you want to eat o Are conflicts healthy o Jon Gottman found that fighting or airing out grievances and complaints is one of the healthiest things that a couple can do for their relationship o Why If there isn t conflict then resentment can build up either towards the person or the relationship When resentment builds up like a plant growing in a pot less room Not healthy to hold in issues sometimes you do unhealthy things on there is for other things yourself to deal with it Emotional overeating can affect relationship or themselves o Where does conflict come from o Tip of the iceberg The event o Deeper Perceptions Attitudes Values culture interests gender communication style feelings expectations suspicions assumptions needs mood o Are all conflicts solvable o Solvable conflict or problem that has a solution Ex Cutting the grass o Perpetual conflict or problem that within a relationship that can never be solved Ex Having children Lots of creative solutions to solvable problems but there are problems that never go away If a person wants kids and one doesn t its not fair to think you can change the other person that is a perpetual roblem Other things like personalities can become perpetual conflicts the other person has to want to make the change we can change behaviors but not personalities Depends on what you can deal with selfish alcoholism could be perpetual problems o Avoiding conflict o Anger insteads people feel uncomfortable being mad so they do something else instead like overeating gossiping talking about the problem to everyone except the person Unless you go directly to the source you wont solve the problem it usually amplifies the problem o Passive Aggression when a person expresses anger at someone but doesn t do it directly rather than directly ie Chronic criticism nagging sarcasm forms of sabotage Sabotage one partner attempts to spoil or undermine some activity the other has planned Displacement a person directs anger at the people or things that the other cherishes Sabotoge is tyring to ruin that persons time Displacement is being mad at someone for taking cd case so scratched all of their cds with a needle o Gender differences o Report talk conversation aimed mainly at conveying information Men sually engage in this form of communication o Rapport talk speaking to gain or reinforce rapport or intimacy Women usually engage in this form of communication Men no emotional feelings are involved just to get their point across Women more detail more emotions o Gender Patterns o Female demand male withdraw pattern Women attuned to emotional equality of relationship Men Try to minimize conflict Man pulls away women harp on them o Goals of men and women Women resolve the conflict with understanding Men avoid a blow up Men just don t want to fight o What men can do o Do not escalate the argument with Defensiveness Contempt Belligerence o Try to share power in the relationship accept influence Men in general have defense mechanisms when dealing with conflict Defensiveness comtempt and beliggerance are negative they escalate conflict Men also try to share power they want to be in control but compromise doesn t mean giving up o What women can do o Use positive affect Shared humor Expressions of affection o Soften the way she brings up complaint Women can voice their appreciation followed by a complaint Compliment sandwich Women always check on emotional status of relationship Conflicts are healthy if you handle them in a positive way o Four Horsemen of the apocalypse o Conquest Death War and Famine o Gottman s four horsemen of the apocalypse an end Borrowed from the bible symbolic that the world is going to come to o Contempt characterized by the intent to insult or abuse your partner emotionally Ex Rolling your eyes mocking o Criticism attacking personality rather than specific behavior Criticism attacks personality contempt attacks specific behavior Criticism doesn t help because they will defend themselves o Defensiveness defending yourself against a perceived attack will escalate an argument Creates an idea of one upping the other person if you hurt your partner then you hurt the relationship o Stone Walling A person refuses to listen to their partner s complaints or stories physically or emotionally Remove yourself either physically or emotionally
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