Chp 6 I Conflict and communication a What is communication the process of exchanging and interpreting ideas and feelings i ii Can be neg pos open or closed 1 Ex I did not tell pam that jim is stupid a Communication is a very complex process i If you take one word out of the phrase you can completely change the meaning iii Communication is a 2 way process 1 You are giving a message and even if the person doesn t respond they are still sending a message b Communication assumptions i Family communication is not random Doesn t happen on accident 1 Consistent repetitive patterns a Use of a lot of the same words ii Communication is transactional 1 Exchanging information It is impossible not to communicate iii 1 Even if you don t say anything you are still communicating c Sapir Whorf hypothesis i The concept that language shapes our culture and at the same time our culture shapes our language d Active listening i Extremely attentive listening where the listener has good eye contact and body language and encourages the other person to continue talking e Verbal communication i The spoken exchange of thoughts feelings or other messages i Communicating without words by using gestures expressions and f Nonverbal communication body language g Elements of communication i The communicator 1 The person who creates and send the message Individual is a total system a i An individual who is unique is comprised of a lot of different parts thoughts cultures values 1 All things come into play when communicating a message b what we wear body presence facial expressions mannerisms and tone of voice are all forms of information about the communicator ii The message 1 The message is the unit of information transmitted between sender and receiver a The message is very important i We will learn that the receiver doest always receive the message how the communicator wanted them too 2 Message may contain thoughts feelings thoughts ideas suggestions or commands 3 Prepared encoded by the communicator iii The medium recipient iv The recipient 1 The medium is the way a message is presented to the 2 Talking television text message note e mail etc 3 Message is often determined to a degree by the medium 1 The recipient is the receiver of the message a They are their own total system 2 The receiver interprets the message based on his her personality life experiences and the relational context a Type of relationship it is in ex Family vs stranger h What is conflict not always a bad thing a healthy relationship has conflicts i Requires two options choices ii Its not that people have conflicts its how they handle them that s important iii Some different types 1 Pseudoconflict a Falsely perceiving that our partner is interfering with our goals or has incompatible goals a A type of conflict where individuals disagree about 2 Content conflict information 3 Value conflict a Results from differeing opinions on subjects that relate to personal values and issues of right or wrong 4 Ego conflict a Where individuals believe they must win at all costs i Are conflicts healthy to save face i Jon gottman found that fighting or airing out grievances and complaints is one of the healthiest things that a couple can do for their relationship ii Why 1 Helps people solve problems 2 Allows to understand each others perspectives 3 And leads to bonding iii Where do conflicts come from 1 The iceberg picture a 1 3 of the iceberg is what you see the event b 2 3 is below the iceberg what you get i what is going on underneath is really what is causing the conflict attitudes values mood etc j Are all conflicts solvable no they are not i Solvable conflict or problem that has a solution 1 Ex cutting the grass a Anyone can cut it there are many options ii Perpetual conflict or problem that within a relationship that can never be solved 1 Ex having children a One person wants kids the other doesnt cant expect one to change k Avoiding conflict i Anger insteads people feel uncomfortable being mad so they do something else instead like over eating gossiping talking about the problem to everyone except the person 1 Ex emotional eater ii Passive Aggression when a person expresses anger at someone but does so indirectly rather than directly a Ex chronic criticism nagging sarcasm forms of sabotage 2 Sabotage one partner attempts to spoil or undermine some activity the other has planned a Ex Instigating a fight before partner goes out so that they have a bad time or decide not to go 3 Displacement a person directs anger at the people or things that the other cherishes a Ex Your angry at a friend so you forget to do an errand they asked you to do or throw something of theirs l Gottman s four horsemen of the Apocalypse i 1 Contempt characterized by the intent to insult or abuse your partner emotionally 1 Ex rolling your eyes mocking 2 Don t even have to say anything 3 Single best predictor of divorce most people don t ever do contempt 4 The antidote is to appreciate ii 2 criticism attacking personality rather than the specific behavior 1 when you focus on someone s personality rather than behavior it can be problematic a ex Your lazy vs you make me mad when you don t take out the trash iii 3 defensiveness defending yourself from a perceived attack will escalate an argument 1 A sign is interruption 2 You know you are being defensive when you aren t listening and already made up your mind 3 Ex Someone shoots an arrow so you decide to get a gun and shoot back trying to one up the person becomes more and more destructive iv 4 Stonewalling a person refuses to listen to their partner s complaints or stories 1 happens in one of two ways physically and emotionally a physical walk away b emotional don t participate in convo while sitting v 5 Belligerence a behavior that is provocative and that challenges next to each other the spouse s power and authority a Belitting someone 2 Gottman later added this after much research 3 Ex What can you do if I go out drinking with Dave What are you going to do about it 4 Ex Your not my boss you cant control me i Report talk conversation aimed mainly at conveying information 1 Men usually engage in this form of communication a Info focused get straight to the point ii Rapport talk speaking to gain or reinforce rapport or intimacy 1 Women usually engage in this form of communication a They want to establish and maintain relationships b Process people s thoughts and feelings Draw out info c Ex Mean girls iii Female demand male
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