Chp.6I. Conflict and communicationa. What is communication?i. the process of exchanging and interpreting ideas and feelings. ii. Can be neg., pos., open, or closed1. Ex. “I did not tell pam that jim is stupid.”a. Communication is a very complex processi. If you take one word out of the phrase you can completely change the meaningiii. Communication is a 2 way process1. You are giving a message and even if the person doesn’t respond they are still sending a messageb. Communication assumptionsi. Family communication is not random. (Doesn’t happen on accident)1. Consistent, repetitive patterns. a. Use of a lot of the same wordsii. Communication is transactional. 1. Exchanging information. iii. It is impossible not to communicate. 1. Even if you don’t say anything you are still communicatingc. Sapir-Whorf hypothesisi. The concept that language shapes our culture, and at the same time, our culture shapes our languaged. Active listeningi. Extremely attentive listening, where the listener has good eye contact and body language, and encourages the other person to continue talkinge. Verbal communicationi. The spoken exchange of thoughts, feelings, or other messagesf. Nonverbal communicationi. Communicating without words, by using gestures, expressions, and body languageg. Elements of communicationi. The communicator1. The person who creates and send the message. a. Individual is a total system. i. An individual who is unique is comprised of a lot of different parts (thoughts, cultures, values)1. All things come into play when communicating a messageb. what we wear, body presence, facial expressions, mannerisms, and tone of voice are all forms of information about the communicator. ii. The message1. The message is the unit of information transmitted between sender and receiver. a. The message is very importanti. We will learn that the receiver doest always receive the message how the communicator wanted them too2. Message may contain thoughts, feelings, thoughts, ideas, suggestions, or commands. 3. Prepared/encoded by the communicator. iii. The medium1. The medium is the way a message is presented to the recipient. 2. Talking, television, text message, note, e-mail, etc. 3. Message is often determined, to a degree, by the medium. iv. The recipient1. The recipient is the receiver of the message. a. They are their own total system2. The receiver interprets the message, based on his/her personality, life experiences, and the relational context. a. Type of relationship it is in ex. Family vs. strangerh. What is conflict? (not always a bad thing; a healthy relationship has conflicts)i. Requires two options/choices ii. Its not that people have conflicts its how they handle them that’s importantiii. Some different types1. Pseudoconflicta. Falsely perceiving that our partner is interfering with our goals or has incompatible goals2. Content conflicta. A type of conflict where individuals disagree about information3. Value conflicta. Results from differeing opinions on subjects that relate to personal values and issues of right or wrong4. Ego conflicta. Where individuals believe they must win at all costs to save facei. Are conflicts healthy?i. Jon gottman found that fighting or airing out grievances and complaints is one of the healthiest things that a couple can do for their relationship. ii. Why? 1. Helps people solve problems2. Allows to understand each others perspectives3. And leads to bondingiii. Where do conflicts come from?1. The iceberg picturea. 1/3 of the iceberg is what you see (the event)b. 2/3 is below the iceberg (what you get)i. what is going on underneath is really what is causing the conflict (attitudes, values, mood, etc.)j. Are all conflicts solvable? (no they are not)i. Solvable- conflict or problem that has a solution 1. Ex: cutting the grassa. Anyone can cut it, there are many options ii. Perpetual conflict or problem that within a relationship that can never be solved 1. Ex: having children a. One person wants kids the other doesnt cant expect one to changek. Avoiding conflicti. Anger “insteads“: people feel uncomfortable being mad so they do something else instead like over eating, gossiping, talking about the problem to everyone except the person1. Ex.emotional eater ii. Passive Aggression: when a person expresses anger at someone but does so indirectly rather than directly a. Ex. chronic criticism, nagging, sarcasm, forms of sabotage. 2. Sabotage: one partner attempts to spoil or undermine some activity the other has planned. a. Ex. Instigating a fight before partner goes out so that they have a bad time or decide not to go3. Displacement: a person directs anger at the people or things that the other cherishes. a. Ex. Your angry at a friend so you “forget” to do an errand they asked you to do; or throw something of theirsl. Gottman’s four horsemen of the Apocalypsei. 1. Contempt: characterized by the intent to insult or abuse your partner emotionally 1. Ex: rolling your eyes, mocking2. Don’t even have to say anything 3. Single best predictor of divorce, most people don’t ever do contempt4. The antidote is to appreciate ii. 2.criticism- attacking personality rather than the specific behavior 1. when you focus on someone’s personality rather than behavior it can be problematica. ex. Your lazy vs. “you make me mad when you don’t take out the trash”iii. 3.defensiveness- defending yourself from a perceived attack will escalate an argument. 1. A sign is interruption2. You know you are being defensive when you aren’t listening and already made up your mind3. Ex. Someone shoots an arrow so you decide to get a gun and shoot back trying to one up the person becomes more and more destructiveiv. 4.Stonewalling- a person refuses to listen to their partner’s complaints or stories 1. (happens in one of two ways physically and emotionally)a. physical walk awayb. emotional don’t participate in convo while sitting next to each otherv. 5. Belligerence: a behavior that is provocative and that challenges the spouse’s power and authority. a. Belitting someone2. Gottman later added this after much research. 3. Ex: “What can you do if I go out drinking with Dave? What are you going to do about it?” 4. Ex. Your not my boss, you cant control mem. Gender differencesi. Report talk: conversation aimed mainly at conveying information. 1. Men usually engage in this form of communication. a. Info focused; get straight to the
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