PSYC 359 1st Edition Lecture 23Outline of Last Lecture I. Finish IntimacyII. Hurt feelings III. Jealousy IV. Betrayal Outline of Current Lecture I. What is conflictII. The course of conflictIII. The nature of conflictCurrent LectureBetrayal - Betrayals are disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such misbehavior- Betrayal is common in intimate relationships…its hard to simultaneously please different partnerships- Often times not malicious or intentional, but just happen- Individual differences in betrayal- The two sides to every betrayal- Coping with betrayal o People report less anxiety and better coping when they: Acknowledge the betrayal instead of denying that it happened Consider it an opportunity for personal growth Rely on their friends supporto It’s best to not ruminateo Forgiveness is really important Forgiveness- Forgiveness occurs when we give up our perceived right to retaliate against, or hold in our debt, someone who has wronged us- Forgiveness occurs more readily when…o The offender apologizeso And the victim is able to empathize with the offender, being able to imagine why the partner behaved as he or she did- Secure people are better at this- It occurs in strong relationships- It occurs with: apology and empathy- But you don’t have to forget what the person did…forgiveness does not equal forgetting- Who benefits?o The person who forgiveso The person who did the transgression still feels bad a lot of the time but the forgiver feels goodo But sometimes the offender feels better because they ‘receive a gift’ - Leads to marital satisfaction, clarifies relationship, reframes attributions, builds morecommitment, and enhances empathy Chapter 11: ConflictExamples of certain comments that lead to conflict on bb PowerPointWhat is conflict? - Interpersonal conflict occurs whenever one person’s motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior interfere with, or are incompatible with, those of another- Conflict is inescapable in close relationshipso Sometimes conflict ensues because people differ in moodso There are certain tensions that are woven into the fabric of close relationshipso Opposing motivations that can sometimes never be completely satisfied - A give and take must occur- There’s a dialectical tension between:o Personal autonomy and close connection to otherso Openness versus closenesso Stability versus changeo Integration with, versus separation from, a social network- The amount of conflict is linked to:o Personalityo Attachment styleo Stage of lifeo Similarityo Alcohol Exacerbates issue- Instigating eventso Couples may disagree about almost any issueo Four different types of events cause most conflicts Criticism- Behavior that seems unjustly critical- Demeaning or derogatory in some way- Negative critique  Illegitimate demands- Requests that are excessive and seem unjust Rebuffs- When one’s appeal for help or support are rejected- Occur a lot in intimate relationships because of competing demands Cumulative annoyances- Relatively trivial irritants become irritating with repetition - Attributions o Two partners’ explanations for events are often somewhat different, and conflict can result Misunderstanding may occur if partners fail to appreciate that each of them has his or her own point of view Attributional conflict can occur, with partners arguing over whose explanation is right, and whose is wrongo Fundamental attribution error: others are stable and global but with us its unstable and situational o Attributional conflict can occur when partners disagree about explanations for conflicts o When conflict occurs, the explanations with which intimate partners account for the frustrations they encounter have a huge influence on how distressed they feel and how angrily they respondo Happy couples are less likely to regard their partners as selfishly motivated- Engagement and Escalation- In the midst of conflict, unpleasant behavior may occuro Direct actions explicitly challenge one’s partner: Accusations Hostile commands or threats Surely and sarcastic putdownso Indirect actions are more veiled and implicit Condescension Whining Evasion- Cycle that people get into- One partner criticizes and nags the other and the other retreats from the confrontationo Both direct and indirect behaviors are obnoxious to some degree - Outcomes of conflict:o Negotiation and accommodation When things settle down, negotiation may also be:- Direct: offering concessions, engaging in active listening, providingapproval and affection- Indirect: using friendly, non-sarcastic humor  You can use the following things:- Voice—actively, constructively working to improve situationo There are classes- Loyaltyo Passively waiting and hoping for things to get bettero Can be constructive- Exito Active but destructive responses such as leaving the partnero Sometimes positive, sometimes helps- Neglecto Passively allowing things to get worse Chart in book Negative relationships when both partners engage in negative courses of action- 4 types of coupleso Volatiles Frequent, sometimes passionate, argument But they temper arguments with wit and fondness Doesn’t escalate out of control Demonstrate affection for one anothero Validators  Fight more politely and calmly More like collaborators than antagonists o Avoiders Rarely argue Duck confrontation Try to fix problems on their owno First 3 all have some positive elements and outnumber the frustrating costs of the hostileso Hostiles  More nasty to each other Fight with criticism, contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal  Fragile relationships Doomed - 5 ways conflict can endo Separation One or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict Sometimes necessaryo Domination One partner gets his/her way and the other has to capitulate Inequitable relationship One person bound to be unhappyo Compromise Very positive Both become more tolerant o Integrative agreements Satisfy both partners original goals and aspirations  Usually through inventiveness and creativity and generosity o Structural improvement  True growth Partners not only get what they want, but also make desirable changes to their relationship Can fighting be good for a relationship?- Yes, the more