PSYC 359 1st Edition Lecture 22 Outline of Last Lecture I Theories of human sexuality II Cybersex III Preventing Pregnancy and STIs IV Sexual satisfaction V Attachment style and sex VI Sexual communication VII Sexual Aggression Outline of Current Lecture II Finish Intimacy Current Lecture Chapter 10 Stresses and Strains of Relationships It s about how well people can manage their relationship not whether they have conflict but how they deal with it Conflict is not always detrimental and sometimes brings up issues that need to be discussed Can be a growth experience if managed well Various pitfalls in relationships that lead to conflict Relational evaluation Focus is on the specifics o Hurt feelings o Ostracism o Jealousy o Deception and lying o Betrayal o Forgiveness Relational Evaluation Related to need to belong Different degrees of acceptance and rejection o All relationships can be placed somewhere along this continuum Various degrees of acceptance and rejection are possible ranging from o Maximal inclusion in which others seek us out because they want to be with us To o Ambivalence in which they don t care whether we re around or not And to o Maximal exclusion in which others banish us and send us away We feel hurt if the relational evaluation is lower than we wish it were Its more hurtful if we re excluded Hurt Feelings The feelings we experience are linked to others evaluations of us in a complex way Cyber bullying is a problem Outright hostility doesn t hurt much more than simple ambivalence does our physical pain o Once we find that someone doesn t want us around hurts Doesn t matter the extent to which they don t want us Our self esteem is lowered by any bit of rejection A little bit of acceptance increases that self esteem They use fMRI to study the brain when we are feeling hurt o Physical pain is similar in brain to psychological pain o Emotional pain and physical pain activate similar parts of brain particularly ACC Part of the brain that tells us there is something wrong o Also right ventricle prefrontal cortex Correlated with self reported distress and social exclusion More sensitive to small changes in acceptance to others more daily things Relational devaluation apparent decreases in others regard for us causes hurt feelings that are much like the emotions that accompany physical pain Relational devaluation leads to these feelings of pain Ostracism More extreme than just hurt feelings that result from devaluation The silent treatment occurs when others intentionally ignore us o 67 of respondent in survey gave it and 75 received it Ostracism hurts because it leaves us feeling ignored People with high self esteem are relatively unlikely to put up with silent treatment People with low self esteem are especially hurt by silent treatment or ostracism Precedes most school shootings Jealousy Jealousy is the unhappy combination of hurt anger and fear that occurs when people face the potential loss of valued relationship to a real or imagined rival Is different from envy because envy means you want something someone else has while jealousy is more of a threat to a relationship Envy is for possessions What makes you feel jealous o Threats o Usually significant partner or someone you would like to be a significant partner are involved Most vulnerable to jealousy o People with low self esteem o Individual differences in susceptibility to jealousy are related to Dependence on a relationship Feelings of inadequacy in a relationship Attachment styles reoccupied people are prone to jealously whereas dismissing people are not Personality traits people high in neuroticism Desire for sexual exclusivity Traditional gender roles Self esteem is not a predictor It used to be that expressing jealousy was a way to show your love 2 types of jealousy o Reactive jealousy Occurs in response to an actual threat o Suspicious jealousy Occurs when one s partner hasn t really misbehaved and one s suspicions do not really fit the situation at hand Nothing has really happened it s just suspected Trust issue Paranoia People with insecure attachments are more likely to experience this People may respond in either helpful or harmful ways o Attachment styles matter Those who are comfortable with closeness tend to express their concerns trying to repair the relationship Those who are dismissing or fearful tend to avoid the issue and to pretend that they don t care Gender differences Who gets us jealous o Rivals who make us look bad Who may be achieved something we haven t More attractive to our partners o Friends can make us jealous betrayal o Former lovers o Gender differences Men are more threatened by more successful men or more dominant men Women are more threatened by very attractive women Because of gender roles o Evolutionary perspective Plays into gender differences noted above Question and responses below could relate to parental uncertainty hypothesis Consider this question o On PowerPoint o Women tend to be more jealous of an emotional attachment with someone whereas men care more if their partner has passionate sex with someone else Coping constructively with jealousy o We react irrationally when we behave as if our self worth depends entirely on a particular partnership Mate Poaching attempting to lure someone else s partner 54 of men and 43 of women report they have tried to poach someone s partner 80 of both genders have encountered a poacher s attempt at least on one occasion 60 of men and about 50 of women have succumb to a poachers attempt Deception and Lying deception is intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows is false we lie in 30 38 of all our interactions college students lie in 50 of conversations with their mothers stats on PowerPoint we are lied to about 200 times each day So how well can we detect a partner s deception With practice Truth bias individuals assume that their partners are usually telling the truth Betrayal Betrayals are disagreeable hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such misbehavior Individual differences in betrayal Two sides to every betrayal Coping with betrayal o People report less anxiety and better coping when they Acknowledge the betrayal instead of denying that it happened Consider it an opportunity for personal growth And rely on their friends for support Forgiveness Forgiveness occurs when we give up our perceived right to retaliate against or hold in our