Slide 1Leary et al. (1998)Hurtful Words and EventsTypes of InfidelityTypes of Infidelity, contdInfidelity Research: Why do people do it?Behaviors that make you suspect…Jealousy, Envy, & RivalryCommunicative Responses to Jealousy:DeceptionTypes of DeceptionDeception Detection in RelationshipsDeception in RelationshipsSlide 14Hurtful MessagesResponses to Hurtful MessagesHurt FeelingsInfidelity & Jealousyhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6rbV-YId7QLeary et al. (1998)•168 participants asked to describe a situation in which they experienced hurt feelings–14% described situations involving strangers–The rest described situations involving partners, family members, or friendsThe people we love and trust the most can hurt us the most deeply.Hurtful Words and Events•Devaluation–Feeling unappreciated and unimportant–Personal or Relational•Relational Transgressions–Occur when people violated implicit or explicit relational rules–Expectations•Emotionally faithful•Sexually faithful–Top Relational Transgressions listed by college students (Metts, 1991)1. Having sex with someone else2. Wanting to or actually dating someone else3. Deceiving others about something significant•Hurtful messages–Words that elicit psychological painTypes of Infidelity•Sexual Infidelity–Sexual activity with someone other than one’s long-term partner–Most people in US disapprove–20-40% or dating/co-habiting r’ships marked by at least one episode –13-18% of married relationships–Men are more likely than women; gays more likely than heterosexual or lesbian–Study on how folks found out•The way they found out make big difference.•Options: –Finding out from 3rd party–Witnessing–Confession after questioning–Confession w/o questioning•Least likely to forgive partners when found out from 3rd party or witnessed•Most likely to forgive when partner confessed on their ownTypes of Infidelity, contd•Communicative Infidelity–Having sex with someone else to communicate a specific message to a relational partner•Ex. To signal jealousy or to signal sexual dissatisfaction•Emotional Infidelity–One partner channels emotional resources such as love, time, and attention to someone else–Finding out your partner confides in someone elseInfidelity Research: Why do people do it?•More research on sexual infidelity–#1 Cause: Dissatisfaction with the current relationship•Boredom/Need for excitement•Wanting to feel attractive•Sexual Incompatibility•Seeking Revenge•Emotional Infidelity–Related to feeling dissatisfied with the communication and social support a person is receiving in current relationshipBehaviors that make you suspect…Sexual Infidelity •Upsets MEN the most•Indirect physical signs (smelling perfume on clothing)•Direct revelations (confess or caught)•Changes in sexual behavior•Exaggerated affection•Sexual disinterestEmotional Infidelity•Upsets WOMEN the most•Relationship dissatisfaction•Emotional disengagement•Passive rejection•Negative communication•Reluctance to spend time together•Reluctance to talk about a certain person•Guilty communicationBoth Sexual & Emotional Infidelity•Apathetic communication•Increased contact with third partyBoth Sexual & Emotional Infidelity•Apathetic communication•Increased contact with third partyJealousy, Envy, & Rivalry•Jealousy: when you worry someone will take something that you have and desire to keep•Envy: when you want something valuable that someone else has•Rivalry: when two people are competing for something that neither one of them hasCommunicative Responses to Jealousy:–Constructive (associated with relational satisfaction)–Integrative Communication (direct, non aggressive)–Compensatory Restoration (aimed at improving r’ship or oneself) •Negative –Direct and indirect aggressive comm (arguing, sarcasm)–Violent Communication–Counter jealousy Induction (make partner feel jealous)•Avoidant–Denial–Silence (DEC in comm)•Women use integrative comm, express emo, enhance beauty and use counter jealousy•Men contact the rival, restrict partners access to rival and flaunt resources ($ or gifts)Deception•Deception occurs when people intentionally manage verbal and/or nonverbal messages so that a receiver will believe or understand something in a way that the sender thinks is false•Motives:–Partner-based: positive, altruistic, acting for the good of the partner–Self-focused: perceived as a more significant transgression, acting for selfish reasons–Relationship-focused: deceiver wants to limit relational harm by avoiding conflict, trauma or unpleasant experiencesTypes of Deception•Lies: the information given is opposite or clearly different from what the deceiver perceives as the truth•Equivocation: the information given is indirect, evasive, and/or ambiguous•Concealment: relevant information is omitted•Exaggeration: information is overstated; details are sometimes added•Understatement: information is understated; certain details are typically downplayedDeception Detection in Relationships•Deception detection accuracy is generally low (50% to 60% accuracy) b/c no reliable indicators•Advantages of Relational Closeness –Behavioral familiarity: know how they act–Informational familiarity: know certain info•Disadvantages of Relational Closeness–Truth bias: people expect others to be honest–behavioral control: people try to appear friendly and truthfulDeception in Relationships•Partner-motivated deception is more acceptable than motivated deception.•In certain situations, deception may help couples avoid arguments and hurt feelings.•Deception allows people to downplay their faults and accentuate their virtues.–the benefit of positive illusions–deception as impression management during date initiation•When people perceive their partners as dishonest, they report less relational satisfaction and commitment.•Deception is a leading cause of conflict and breakup in relationshipsHurtful Messages•The most commonly reported hurtful messages are:–evaluations: neg judgments of worth, value, quality–accusations: charges about ones faults or actions–informative statements: disclosure of unwanted info•Messages are especially hurtful and damaging to relationships when they are perceived to be intentional.Responses to Hurtful Messages•Active verbal responses: confronting the partner through positive or