Making a Love Connection: Styles of Love Distinguishing Loving from Liking Loving and liking are related but qualitatively different. Liking is based on affection, respect, and enjoyable interaction. Loving is based on attachment, motivation, and a deeper level of caring.Unrequited Love Involves a would-be-lover and a rejecter Would-be-lovers face the dilemma of deciding whether to hide or share their feelings. Go for it and win person over…hopefully. Hide it and keep the friendship. Rejecters typically report experiencing more negative emotions than do would-be-lovers The communication script is more defined for would-be-lovers than rejecters. Make a list of songs about “longing” for a lover who is denying you their affections. Taylor swift, almost lover, hey Stephen, I want you to want me,  Make a list of songs about shooting down someone’s hopes for a relationship Rejecters often try to let the person down easy and help save face for both people, especially would-be lover Problem is…too indirect and they might not get the hint…3 Types of Messages Studies: How Interpreted Dependent on Context Off-Record Strategies “I like you, but I’m busy right now.” Friends didn’t like because too ambiguous On-Record Strategies “I’m interested in someone else” Romantic partners especially don’t like that someone is blaming external factors i.e. Third Party Blame Self Strategies “It wouldn’t work because I’m not right for you” Acquaintances don’ts like because “You don’t know me well enough to say that.”Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of LoveIntimacy: The Warm Component Foundation of the triangle/love Based on emotional attachment Moderately stable Somewhat controllable Latent vs. manifest intimacy Latent- potential, manifest- happeningPassion: The Hot Component Based on motivation Unstable Uncontrollable Can be difficult to sustainCommitment: The Cool Component Based on cognitive choice Relatively stable Relatively controllable Commitment is related to trust, loyalty, and faithfulness, which have been found to be central to loveSternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love & Different Types of Love Infatuation= passion only Empty love= commitment only Romantic love= passion + intimacy Friendship love= intimacy + commitment Consummate love= all three componentsLee’s Love Styles1. Eros: Romantic or Passionate Love Rooted in feelings of affection, attraction, and sexual desire Look for partners who are attractive/good lovers Experience intense highs/lows Develop intimacy and connectedness quickly Can evolve into friendship and secure love Danger: attraction and passion can fade2. Storge: Friendship Love or Companionate Love High levels of intimacy and commitment, but low levels of passion Comfortable affectionate, trusting love Glue that keeps relationships together Relationships based on affection, shared values/goals, compatibility Security more important than physical attraction “Like your favorite pair of old blue jeans”3. Ludus: Game Playing Love Fun, playful, casual Characterized by lack of commitment Cute, flippant opening lines Less likely to use bids for commitment, relationship talk Intensify relationship by affectionate communication and sexual intimacy Least likely to value communication skills Likely to have on-again , off-again relationships and to use secret tests Put personal goals and activities above the relationshipSecondary Love Style: Mania- eros + ludus Possessive Love High levels of attraction and passion, not necessarily looking for intelligent or good lovers Interested in a sensitive partner who can cope with highs/lows Very jealous; don’t want time apartSecondary Love Style: Agape- eros (not just physical) + storge More concerned with giving than receiving Enduring, secure, unconditional Motivated by intense concern for partners’ well-being Negative: “Above” others—hard for partners to live up to the high bar, resulting in guilt.Secondary Love Style: Pragma- storge + ludus Seeking a compatible partner Very practical—think in terms of vital statistics Common sense approach Negative: may be lifeless or dull Intimacy and Passion develop after the pragmatic issues have been resolvedMarston and Hecht’s Love Ways Collaborative love Love is a Partnership; mutual support. Active love Love is activity and doing things together. Intuitive love Love is a feeling, often communicated nonverbally. Committed love Love is a commitment, with strong feelings of connection. Secure love Love is security and intimacy, experienced through feelings of warmth. Expressive love Love is shown through overt behavior, doing things for partner or saying “I love you.” Traditional romantic love Love involves togetherness and