COMM 315 1st Edition Lecture 18 Outline of Last Lecture I. Stages of Interpersonal Relationship Development (cont.)II. Theories of Interpersonal Relationship DevelopmentIII. Developing Your SkillsOutline of Current Lecture I. Relationship ChallengesCurrent LectureChapter 10: Managing Relationship Challenges- Relationship Challengeso Violating Expectations Understanding Relational Expectations and Violations- Relationship expectations can be classified according to their social origins, their relationship origins, and their severity.- Socially Based Expectationso Violations of socially based expectations (expectations on how to be a best friend, how to be with your significant other ect.) arouse uncertainty and produce emotional reactions such as hurt and anger. - Relationship-Specific Expectationso Implicit understandings are an unspoken compact between the partners about the relationship and each other.o Explicit understandings are stated compacts and agreements.o Violations of both types of understandings around uncertainty and evoke various responses.o Failure event- an incident marked by the breaking or violating of a relational understanding or agreement- SeverityThese notes represent a detailed interpretation of the professor’s lecture. GradeBuddy is best used as a supplement to your own notes, not as a substitute.o Failure events and transgressions can be thought of as occurring along a continuum of severity, with those that are least severe often being ignored altogether. At the more severe end of the continuum would be unfaithfulness in dating relationshipso Regardless of how severe we feel the transgression is, we still might not end the relationship if we believe our partner is the only person who can really meet our relational needs- a phenomenon known as perceived partner uniqueness Responding with Discussion- After the initial discussion, The decision to complain to or reproach a partner should be motivated by a desire to clarify relational expectations or to avoid the failure event in the future by modifying the partner’s behaviors.- Reproach- message that a failure event has occurred- Account- response to a reproach. Typically take 1 or 5 formso Apologies- acceptance of the failure event and responsibilityo Excuses- acceptance of the failure event, coupled with a contentions that nothing could have been done to prevent the failureo Justifications- involves accepting responsibility for the event but redefining the event as not a failureo Denials- saying the failure event never took placeo Absence of an accounts, or silence- ignoring a reproach or refusing to address it- In developing your account, honestly and objectively consider howmuch you are to blame Responding with Forgiveness- Forgiveness of a failure event or interpersonal transgression was defined by respondents in one study as accepting the event, moving on, coming to terms, getting over it, letting go of negative feelings and grudges, and continuing the relationship. - We forgive others when it is in our best interests to do so- There are 7 steps to achieve forgivenesso Confront the transgression: the failure event and hurt mustbe acknowledged by both partnerso Manage emotion: emotions much be acknowledged, expressed, and accepted by both partnerso Engage in sense making: both partners need to understandand empathize. o Seek forgiveness: the transgressor requests forgiveness, offers an apology, expresses regret, and acknowledges the other’s hurt.o Grant Forgiveness: forgiveness can be immediate or conditional. To manage the wounded partner’s anguish, granting forgiveness can be viewed as a gift or a show of mercyo Negotiate values and rules: both partners need to renew commitment to relevant relational rules and moralso Transition, monitor, maintain, or renegotiate- Whether forgiveness is achieved is ultimately dependent on a number of factors such as personality, the quality of the relationship, the nature of the transgression, sincere acknowledgment or responsibility, and the perceived intentionality and selfishness of the transgressor. Responding with Retaliation- Retaliation involves an attempt to hurt the partner in response to the hurt he or she has caused- to “even the score”- Such behaviors can include aggressive communication, active distancing, manipulation attempts, contacting arrival, and violence.  Examining a Model of Forgiveness Responses- Each of the four quadrants reflects a possible response to the conditions, with a focus on the rewards and costs associated with that quadrant.- The model helps to explain why a severe offense in an unsatisfyingrelationship is likely to evoke retaliation, whereas a severe offense in a valued relationship is likely to evoke a conditional response, granting forgiveness of a trial basis. o Maintaining Long Distance Relationships (LDR) You will probably have a LDR with a friend, parent, or your children; doesn’t have to be with your significant other. LDR’s affect your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors You will likely depend on electronically mediated communication such as text messages, twitter, facebook and skype to create a sense of social or relational presence over long distances. Nature of the Separation- Vary in terms of expected length of separation, length of time between face-to-face visits, and the actual distance between the partners. - May be caused by circumstance (military) or by choice, which may bring about concerns for the partner’s relational commitment Effects of Time between Visits- People who are in long distance romantic relationships but able toget together at least once a week can maintain relationships similar to those between people who are geographically close- Can put partners on “their good behavior” when they see each other.- Couples in LDR (premarital) had less communication but surprisingly greater satisfaction and higher expectation for the likelihood of marriage than those in proximal, or geographically close, relationships Costs and Rewards- Distance adds costs to maintaining a relationship: the actual monetary costs, the time spent commuting and the disruption of normal routines, leaving less time for other activities.- These costs must be weighed against the benefits or rewards of the relationship, which depend on what you are seeking in the relationship.  Tensions Created by LDR’s LD couples create tensions