Psychology 137C Week 6 Lecture 10Managing Differences Your Paper- Due this Thursday in a standard sized envelope - Please follow guidelines!Your Midterm - Scores are posted. - See syllabus for details.o Paper is worth 35% of final gradeo Midterm is worth 25% of final gradeo Final is worth 40% of final gradeManaging Differences: Conflict and Aggression – Ch. 8o Focusing on verbal conflict for this classo How can we regulate negative experiences in our relationship?- Arguments- Aggression- Meaning- Interventions“A definition of conflict begins with the recognition that participants in social interaction have goals… Conflict arises when one person pursues his or her goals and in doing so interferes with the other person’s goals… Responses to this interference can vary in many ways.” – Kurt Lewin (famous field theorist, social psychologist)o When conflict arises, there is evident goal interference o Conflict is not necessarily divisive; it can be described more as a state in which relationships naturally exist.o Conflict exists because you and your partner are not identical beingso We have to think about the response of the interference.*lecture continued on next pageYou have a preference for one thing, while you partner has a preference for anothero Nonetheless you and your partner choose whether to situate yourselves in a boxing ring with gloves ono Essentially, we choose how to respond to conflicts even thought it may not seem like it in the moment of an intense, emotional discussion, etc o Conflict is built in all social relationshipsSo conflict will be common, but conflict need not be adversarial or destructive. o Why do couples sometimes mismanage their conflicts?o Mismanaged conflict leads us to being locked in to relatively few options. As our emotions build up, it seems like our options are fewer and fewer.Starting Points Divorce rates soared in the 1960s. Stigma associated with seeking help diminished. As marriage is becoming deinstitutionalized, current divorce rates are going down Many argumentative couples sought therapy.  Social learning theorists assumed that mismanaged conflict was a primary cause of relationship distress. Were they right?“Distress results from couples’ aversive and ineffectual responses to conflict. When conflicts arise, one or both partners may respond aversively by nagging,complaining, distancing, or becoming violent until the other gives in, creating a coercive cycle that each partner contributes to and maintains.” Koerner & Neil Jacobson, 1994o Coercion is the idea that an individual has told their partner to do something or has yelled at their partner and said something mean to them and gotten their partner to do what they wanted them to do. o Inadvertently, in a relationship, both people are doing this [coercion] and both partners are getting rewarded for the negative behaviors they display.• Carol insists that Ted start on the taxes. Ted agrees, goes golfing. • Rewarding system• A week later Carol becomes more insistent. Ted agrees, apologizes, pretends to look for W2 forms, watches super bowl. • A month later, Carol explodes when she realizes the taxes are not done. Ted does taxes.**************************************** She is rewarded for insisting; he is awarded for avoiding; Social Learning Carol is rewarded for exploding, and will do so more quickly in the future.  If something is being rewarded, that action is most likely to occur in the future She sees Ted as unreliable, selfish, careless.  Ted resents this, sees her as a nag. Distrust grows.o As a result we begin to develop a set of expectations in regards to our relationships.o The interpersonal part (the learning part) is even more significant. Inevitable? No. Collaborate on the task. Provide support on the task. Make requests at the best time. Keep promises. Try to understand why task is not done. When you win all the fights, your partner is a loserStudying Conflict and Coercion Mismanaged conflict was seen as a key cause of distress in couples. Negative behaviors: Toxic. Happy and unhappy couples had to be observed during conflict. The stage is set for a big discovery.  The reasons for relationship failures partly stem from your abilities to effectively communicate with one another and manage conflictAsk happy and unhappy couples to resolve a conflict.- Assign each ‘speaking turn’ to one of a set of behavioral categories.  Compare happy and unhappy couples. Happy and unhappy couples do not differ much in their communication untilthey are in emotionally negative states. Typical Findings: Gottman (1979)- Relationships are emotionally driven- Happy and unhappy couples disagree all the time – key finding- Disagreement (results identical to mindreading study)o Neutral tone of voice You can’t discriminate between happy and unhappy coupleso Negative tone of voice Unhappy couples don’t figure out that they need to reduce the negativity in their argumentso Happy couples If you see that you or your partner are in a negative mood state,you steer away from conflict and postpone that particular discussion o Unhappy couples Don’t have the same control over negativity, the conflict is overwhelming for you- Mindreading (results identical to disagreement study)o Mindreading: The inferring things that your partner believes to be true without asking themo Inferring negative intent on your partnero We all do this at times. o If you are in a happy relationship, you also engage in mindreading instead of just asking constant questions, but happy couples don’t do this when one partner is in a bad moodo Neutral tone of voiceo Negative tone of voiceo Happy coupleso Unhappy couples- Key finding – happy couples hold off on arguments when one is in a negative mood, unlike unhappy couplesEvidence for Coercion Micro-Level: Unhappy couples show a high degree of structure and predictability. ‘Negative reciprocity’ is likely. Lewin asserts that negative reciprocity is a choice, edit out the likely negative responses to reduce conflict Negative cycles are longer.  Macro-Level: Demand/Withdraw pattern is common – but exaggerated among unhappy couples. See Figure 8.4. The more nagging, the more disengaged behavior, which leads to even more nagging, etc Coercion is a learning process stemming from our