Psychology 137CWeek 4 Lecture 8Maintaining IntimacyReminders- Thursday, Week 5: Exam- Thursday, Week 6: Paper*Extended Office hours and Review Session next week (see email for details)Communicating Closeness and Maintaining IntimacyChapter 7- What is it that keeps us tied to our partners?“What love loses in intensity … it makes up for by the charm of complete abandon and infinite trust, becoming a gentle habit which softens the hardshipsof life and gives new interest to its enjoyment.”- The idea is that relationships change and the early stages (experiences of attraction) eventually gives way to a more committed and negotiated relationship- Opportunities of trust consequent to committed relationshipsSex and the City Reference- Maria: You call this a relationship? - Samantha: Well, it's tedious and the sex is dwindling, so from what I've heard, yes.” - Maintenance Processes- Relationships do change as time passes we become more familiar with who our partners are as individuals.- We need to undertake new activities to have new experiences with our partner and to continuously learn from them. My wife! My best friend! My favorite chair!!- As time passes even further, the couples become unhappyAffection Drops Too…- In this study, newly weds were assessed two months, 14mos, and 26mos following their marriage- Diary method – asked couples to report what was happening in an immediatetime frame (24hours)o Good index of the emotional tenure of a relationship- In the first two years, the emotional quality of a relationships decreases Study of newlyweds by Huston et al, 2001- 9 telephone interviews over 3 weeks - Assessed frequency of 6 conflictual behaviors and 7 affectionate behaviors in prior 24 hours.- Collected 2, 14, and 26 m after wedding.- Follow up at 13 years- 68 happy couples, 32 unhappy couples- 21 divorced early, 25 divorced late- “The routine behaviors and strategies that partners enact to help ensure that a valued relationship will continue.”- Involves taking steps to strengthen an already good relationship, to avert declines in the relationship, and to repair problems in the relationship. Intimacy Process Model-Fig. 7.2 (in textbook): The intimacy process model. According to this view, intimacy arises from interactions in which person A discloses or expresses important self-relevant thoughts and feelings to person B and, based on person B’s response, person A comes to feel understood, validated, and caredfor. The behaviors displayed by person A and person B, and the interpretive filters guiding their perceptions of one another’s behaviors, are presumed to be reflections of their motives, needs, goals, and fears.- Diadic- Ex: A says something like ‘you know I’m feeling a little down about my job’, then B interprets that and B can have certain motives, fears and needs, B might say ‘I need to make you feel good about yourself- We look for someone attractive, who makes us feel good about ourselves and has other rewarding characteristics - Adapted from p. 537 from Reis, H. T., & Patrick, B. C. (1996). Attachment and intimacy: Component processes. In E. T. Higgins & A. W. Kruglanski (Eds.), Social psychology: Handbook of basic principles (pp. 523–563). New York: Guilford. - From Patrick & Reis, “Attachment and Intimacy: Component Processes,” Social Psychology: Handbook, eds. Higgins & Kruglanski, p. 537. Reprinted by permission of Guilford Publications, Inc.- Expressing compassion and validation are keyMrs. Doubtfire- Illustrates the intimacy process model- Sally Fields, the wife, does not realize that Robin Williams (Mrs. Doubtfire) is her husband and she reveals intimate details - Sally reveals that she essentially felt weak and defeated- Shared activities - Forgiveness- Capitalization- Social SupportShared Activities  According to self-expansion theory, relationships become less fulfilling because opportunities for ‘expanding the self’ in the relationship diminish. Active efforts must be made to counteract this effect. Experiments show that novel and arousing activities can increase judgments of satisfaction.Capitalization (vs. Support) - The sharing of positive events allows us to relive those events, see that othersare pleased for us, and deepen the good memories we have.- Capitalization weaves The ‘fabric’ of our relationships more tightly.- The response to the disclosure matters! active-constructive responses appearmost effective.“And do you Rebecca, promise to make love only to Richard, month after month, year after year, and decade after decade, until one of you is dead?”“Social Support is conceptualized most generally as responsiveness to another’s needs and, more specifically, as acts that communicate caring; that validate the other’s worth, feelings, or actions; or that facilitate adaptive coping with problems through the provision of information, assistance, or tangible resources.”- Carolyn Cutrona, 1996-The New Yorker- “… consistent responsivity to the other’s needs within a close relationship fosters love, trust, tolerance, and commitment. All of these contribute to the stability of intimate relationships.”Are ‘helpful’ efforts always helpful? Support perceived to be available tends to be beneficial, whereas the support actually received is sometimes beneficial and sometimes detrimental. Evident support isn’t always interpreted the way it intended How can we explain the occasionally detrimental effects of received support? Comic Strip- “Would you like a cup of coffee . . . no strings”Support: Visible and Invisible  99 Couples: one partner taking the bar exam Diary data from the 32 days before the exam:  Examinee distress Support provision and receipt Many supportive transactions are not noticed by the examinee. In fact, these transactions might be beneficial because they are not noticed.  Asking for support may entail emotional costs and obligations. Selflessness – anticipating and responding to needs of partner – can be powerfulMarried in America 2 filmTuesday: What happened to Nadine and