CMS357 1st EditionLecture 22Family Communication Notes I. Addiction and Violence in FamiliesA. Communication and Addiction in FamiliesB. Qualities of Addictive Families- Addiction = drugs or alcohol- Addiction in families is more common than most people think. 1 out of every 7 people is addicted to drugs or alcohol in the US.Qualities that show you why many times addictive families are difficult places for kids to grow up in.1. Predictable vs. unpredictable - addictive families are predictable in some ways and in some ways very unpredictable. That tension/conflict makes them difficult places for little kids. - Predictable - you know it's going to happen again, don't know when but you know it's going to happen again. You know they probably won't show up in places where other kid's parents will be. Unpredictable - don't know when they'll be intoxicated, etc. You knowprobably they won't show up to your piano recital or baseball game, but if they do then there is unpredictability about what their behavioris going to be like. (and this is not just about baseball or recital, when they come home or you come home from school you don't know what their behavior will be like. Can't bring a friend home without a little worry/concern/anxiety bc you dont know how your parent is going to act)2. Love vs hate - little kids love their parent who's addicted and hates them at the same time. Attachment love and you wish they would get better, but you hate their addiction and their behavior and that they're not there for you. That's difficult for a little kid to handle. Parents are supposed to be your rock and your stability, your secure place, they're supposed to be taking care of you, but that role reversal causes you to take the position of taking care of them more, that it is difficult to handle. At age 20 we can understand that we hate their behavior but love them, but little kids can't understand their own feelings and separate like this, so it's confusing for them.3. Autonomy vs connectedness - independence vs. how cohesive you are.Autonomy - In addicted families there's a lot of autonomy, you become more independent bc you know you can't depend on them for a lot of things, have to figure out how you're going to get home from football practice, have to make your own lunch for school, that's a lot of autonomy for a little kid. Connectedness - other family members can get very connected to each other (the non addicted family members might be closer, siblings with addicted parents might stick together), also you feel connected to your addicted parent- if you have a parent who's an addict and you have to take care of your parent, you are connected to that parent in away that other kids are not connected to their parent (ex- if you come home from schooland parent is passed out on couch and vomitted on the floor, and you have to clean it up, thats really connected.) They are disconnected from the addicted parent and really connected at the same time. This can be realllly confusing for kids, usually these kids look really mature and responsible from the outside, but they had to skip over being a kid.4. Control vs chaos - in addictive families there is a lot of control but there is also a lot of chaos. - Control - family members are engaging in a lot of behaviors to control information from the outside, doing a lot of control to keep that external boundary in place. (hiding it from bosses, other parents, teachers) ex- if parent is passed out and cant bring you to school and principal calls the little kid is not going to say my parent is passed out, they're going to say they're sick and cover for their parent) (think of all the stress that this control of hiding the addiction puts on the family members. That's tough) The addict goes through control behaviors too, trying to hide it FROM the family at first. Sometimes that control can turn into a real power struggle and can get abusive. not always but it can.- Chaos - discipline and boundaries are unpredictable. chaos is partly related to unpredictability. Don't know when sibling/parent is going to be high or drunk etc. There is not predictable behavior.5. Openness vs closedness - these families are very open and very closed at the same time.- Closed - elephant in the room, everybody knows about it but nobody talks about it. Very vague, a lot of closedness about what's going on, a lot of efforts for secrecy.- Openness - at the same time there's a lot of openness in communication and boundaries where you wouldn't expect it to be. (ex- openness and close ties between other non addicted family members, maybe between siblings about theproblem parent has, etc) You don't expect to have that kind of openness and know that much about your parent. its too open and too intimate. (ex- if parent goes to a bar and picks up a girl and brings her home, 10 year old kid doesn't wanna know that about their parent, or parent drunk and spilling their guts to their kid about intimate details, addiction creates openness in families where it shouldn't be^^The climate that kids in addictive families grow up in and why that's a difficult place for them to be.II. Secrecy: Why is it Harmful?1. Psychological "twisting" or distortion - secrecy can distort what's going on. Being secret about something like addiction can distort what's going on and can distort reality. (information control is going to cause a lot of lying, if you're telling a bunch of lies and still trying maintain your reality, that's going to distort how you're looking at the rest of the world and your own world) They don't want to believe it, they pretend like its not a big deal, because If they believe that its happening and its severe as it is, that means their life sucks and they have a lot ofproblems to deal with, especially if you're a kid you don't have the resources to deal with those problems.2. Isolation - Second reason why secrecy is harmful is bc it creates isolation. Keepingit secret from the rest of the world maintains that sense of isolation that you're different and that you're the only one who has this kind of problem and nobody will understand it. (when in reality, 1 in 7 ppl have addictions so tons of people have this problem) Opening up and getting rid of secrecy breaks isolation.3. Betrayal - if you keep the secret you're betraying your family. If you don't keep the secret, you're also betraying your family. By maintaining the things the way they are and keeping the secret, you know it's not