CMS357 1st Edition Lecture 22 Family Communication Notes I Addiction and Violence in Families A Communication and Addiction in Families B Qualities of Addictive Families Addiction drugs or alcohol Addiction in families is more common than most people think 1 out of every 7 people is addicted to drugs or alcohol in the US Qualities that show you why many times addictive families are difficult places for kids to grow up in 1 Predictable vs unpredictable addictive families are predictable in some ways and in some ways very unpredictable That tension conflict makes them difficult places for little kids Predictable you know it s going to happen again don t know when but you know it s going to happen again You know they probably won t show up in places where other kid s parents will be Unpredictable don t know when they ll be intoxicated etc You know probably they won t show up to your piano recital or baseball game but if they do then there is unpredictability about what their behavior is going to be like and this is not just about baseball or recital when they come home or you come home from school you don t know what their behavior will be like Can t bring a friend home without a little worry concern anxiety bc you dont know how your parent is going to act 2 Love vs hate little kids love their parent who s addicted and hates them at the same time Attachment love and you wish they would get better but you hate their addiction and their behavior and that they re not there for you That s difficult for a little kid to handle Parents are supposed to be your rock and your stability your secure place they re supposed to be taking care of you but that role reversal causes you to take the position of taking care of them more that it is difficult to handle At age 20 we can understand that we hate their behavior but love them but little kids can t understand their own feelings and separate like this so it s confusing for them 3 Autonomy vs connectedness independence vs how cohesive you are Autonomy In addicted families there s a lot of autonomy you become more independent bc you know you can t depend on them for a lot of things have to figure out how you re going to get home from football practice have to make your own lunch for school that s a lot of autonomy for a little kid Connectedness other family members can get very connected to each other the non addicted family members might be closer siblings with addicted parents might stick together also you feel connected to your addicted parent if you have a parent who s an addict and you have to take care of your parent you are connected to that parent in a way that other kids are not connected to their parent ex if you come home from school and parent is passed out on couch and vomitted on the floor and you have to clean it up thats really connected They are disconnected from the addicted parent and really connected at the same time This can be realllly confusing for kids usually these kids look really mature and responsible from the outside but they had to skip over being a kid 4 Control vs chaos in addictive families there is a lot of control but there is also a lot of chaos Control family members are engaging in a lot of behaviors to control information from the outside doing a lot of control to keep that external boundary in place hiding it from bosses other parents teachers ex if parent is passed out and cant bring you to school and principal calls the little kid is not going to say my parent is passed out they re going to say they re sick and cover for their parent think of all the stress that this control of hiding the addiction puts on the family members That s tough The addict goes through control behaviors too trying to hide it FROM the family at first Sometimes that control can turn into a real power struggle and can get abusive not always but it can Chaos discipline and boundaries are unpredictable chaos is partly related to unpredictability Don t know when sibling parent is going to be high or drunk etc There is not predictable behavior 5 Openness vs closedness these families are very open and very closed at the same time Closed elephant in the room everybody knows about it but nobody talks about it Very vague a lot of closedness about what s going on a lot of efforts for secrecy Openness at the same time there s a lot of openness in communication and boundaries where you wouldn t expect it to be ex openness and close ties between other non addicted family members maybe between siblings about the problem parent has etc You don t expect to have that kind of openness and know that much about your parent its too open and too intimate ex if parent goes to a bar and picks up a girl and brings her home 10 year old kid doesn t wanna know that about their parent or parent drunk and spilling their guts to their kid about intimate details addiction creates openness in families where it shouldn t be The climate that kids in addictive families grow up in and why that s a difficult place for them to be II Secrecy Why is it Harmful 1 Psychological twisting or distortion secrecy can distort what s going on Being secret about something like addiction can distort what s going on and can distort reality information control is going to cause a lot of lying if you re telling a bunch of lies and still trying maintain your reality that s going to distort how you re looking at the rest of the world and your own world They don t want to believe it they pretend like its not a big deal because If they believe that its happening and its severe as it is that means their life sucks and they have a lot of problems to deal with especially if you re a kid you don t have the resources to deal with those problems 2 Isolation Second reason why secrecy is harmful is bc it creates isolation Keeping it secret from the rest of the world maintains that sense of isolation that you re different and that you re the only one who has this kind of problem and nobody will understand it when in reality 1 in 7 ppl have addictions so tons of people have this problem Opening up and getting rid of secrecy breaks isolation 3 Betrayal if you keep the secret you re betraying your family If you don t keep the secret you re also betraying your family By maintaining the things the way they are and keeping the secret you know it s not good for them If you don t …