CONFLICT DEFINITION OF CONFLICT o Tension between family members that result from competing goals or strategies o Signals a need for readjustment of the patterns of interaction Why is conflict so problematic o Complicates homeostasis in family o Results in an imbalanced power struggle o Occurs regardless of location public vs private provokes judgment and negativity Johnson s Interpersonal Conflict Strategies 1 The Turtle Withdrawing Goals Relationship o Withdraw into their shells to avoid conflict o Uncomfortable vulnerable o Sacrifice both their personal goals and relationships o Evade issues over which conflict is occurring and from the people they are in conflict with o Believe that it is hopeless to try to resolve conflicts helplessness withdraw physically and emotionally 2 The Shark Forcing Goals Relationship o Try to overpower opponents by coercing partner to accept their solution to the conflict o Value their personal goals mutual relationship is of minor importance o Seek to achieve their own goals at all costs are not impacted by the perspective of others believe that there is always one winner and loser 3 The Teddy Bear Smoothing o Attempt to win by attacking overpowering overwhelming and intimidating others o The relationship is of great importance while their own goals are of little importance o Seek acceptance and validation of others believe that conflict should be avoided in favor of Goals Relationship harmony and that disputes cannot be discussed without damaging relationships o Afraid that if conflict continues someone will get hurt sacrifice their own goals to preserve the relationship 4 The Fox Compromising Goals Relationship o Moderately concerned with their goals and their relationships with other people o Sacrifice part of their goals and persuade the other person in a conflict to do the same o Seek a solution to conflict on the middle ground o Highly value own goals and relationships o View conflicts as problems to be solved and seek a solution that achieves both their own Goals Relationship 5 The Owl Confronting goals and the goals of the other person in the conflict o Perceive conflicts as improving relationships by reducing tension between two people o Aim for a win win situation where the goals of both parties are achieved and the quality of the relationship is restored Denying Conflict Conflict enhances marriage unless Anger Insteads triangulation boxing drinking gossiping Passive aggression redirected rage and expression o Sabotage directed toward another s activities hidden keys o Displacement directed toward another s possessions loosened buttons Devitalized marriage distance emotional divorce Alienating Practices Fight evading o Seek to avoid conflict o Withdrawal creates distance o Claim to not want to hurt partner Gunnysacking o Store problems and release them simultaneously o Hold resentments until they explode o Detrimental provokes defensiveness of partner o Fight about everything that has gone wrong in the past six months Kitchen sink fights o The fighters bring up any issue they can think of throughout the fight o Purpose to score points Mixed or double messages o Simultaneous contradicting o May be verbal nonverbal or both paradoxical o Senders may be unaware of message perception Gaslighting o Needing to be right in order to preserve one s own sense of self and power destructive o EX Undercut the partner at a personal level after an attack Positive Conflict Resolution Strategies Asking for Behavioral Change 1 Describe o Objectively describe what was seen or heard that was upsetting o Depict the behaviors as opposed to personal qualities o Use descriptive words not labels o Disclose how you reacted ensuing emotions take ownership o Use I messages rather than accusing 2 Express 3 Specify 4 Consequences o Specify your desired approach preferred response to future situations o Indicate the positive effects that will occur if behavior is changed o If partner refuses to compromise outline the negative consequences expectations if change is not introduced Guidelines for Bonding Fights tactics that increase closeness 1 Listen results in mutual respect 2 Level with each other particularly concerning matters that hurt you 3 Use I statements to avoid attack communicate reciprocity insults are destructive 4 Give feedback and assess your interpretation 5 Choose the time and place carefully 6 Focus anger only on specific issues 7 Know what the fight is about metacommunication 8 Ask for a specific change but be open to compromise propose solutions negotiation 9 Be willing to change yourself 10 Don t try to win produces resentment and inferiority of losing party