COMMUNICATION What is communication o A symbolic transactional process that involves creating and sharing meanings through consistent patterns of interaction o Shared meaning is important Communication Process Three assumptions describing family communication 1 2 3 Is not random patterns repetition Is transactional reciprocal nature all members participate Is impossible to not participate Messages The information that is exchanged when we communicate Units of information between sender and receiver Two Levels 1 Digital Content Level Overt What o Information expressed o Semantics 2 Analogic Relationship Intent Covert How o Feelings Movement Expression interpretation Metamessage o Similar to Analogic or Relationship Level o Message about the message Framing and Decoding relationship length value Importance of Context Four Kinds of Messages in Close Relationships 1 Small talk 2 Competition Control talk 3 Cooperative Straight talk 4 Meta communication Types Of Analogic Messages 1 Cooperative o Security trust acceptance Affirmation and reward o Pleasing and satisfying o Eagerness to be with this person o How a message is interpreted o Meaning attributed to the metamessage o Subjective and personal o FACTORS Body language ongoing relationship nonverbal cues habit custom SPECIFIC FOCUS Intent Messages in Competition Control Talk and Cooperative Talk o Digital statement are together o Analogic meaning Building trust The things you say really make me laugh I love the way I feel when we You are special and I enjoy our company o Disclosing emotions seeking understanding revealing parts of self communicating trust o Digital statement and sharing vulnerability teacher and a very strong person My father on the other hand Feeling of safety displays a willingness to trust meaning o Analogic I know that my mother worked awfully hard all her life she was a 2 Competitive o Demands reciprocal o I have to compete with you to be more controlling Creating or Maintaining Distance o Set boundaries and make clear that little information is wanted from the other person o Digital statement I m unsure about tonight I ve been very busy all week Last week was such a bear for me You know what I m like when I don t get my rest Boredom limited desire to interact need for space meaning o Analogic Demanding Change o A control technique with the intent to force the other to change o Displaying a power dynamic o Digital statement Everything I do displeases her the way I handle the kids where I live the way I dress When she s cross it doesn t matter what she s mad at management are preferable Mother needs the daughter to change because her means of o Analogic meaning Specification of Ownership o Declare that you own what is being discussed can be objects emotions or people o Specify individuality independence autonomy assertiveness o Digital statement to You do not have any right to tell me to take these posters off of my wall Teen to mother This is my room I will clean it when I want Depth of relationship contains undercurrent of competitiveness meaning o Analogic Punishment o Destructive imbalance you feel that you have a right to punish the other if they do not o Digital message believe the relationship will be jeopardized I have always been afraid of my mother I suppose and as my husband says I probably still try to please her She can be very critical of me just devastating at times and it always tears me up Seeking Validation o Demand recognition or approval from family members o Digital message know I worked hard to make this look nice What do you think I m wondering dear how do you like the job I did on the yard You Surrendering and Declaring Martyrdom o Manipulative strategy that defines relationship in terms of helplessness and weakness Congruent and Paradoxical Messages Congruent message o Convey the same meanings Paradoxical messages o Convey different meanings Double Bind paradox closeness o Two conflicting messages imperatives being transmitted followed by a demand for Self Disclosure other is unlikely to discover from other sources Rule of Reciprocity Match the level of disclosure When one person voluntarily shares another thing about her himself that the 4 Destructive Communication Stances 1 Placating o Begins with a healthy need to please o Often gives long involved excuses enabling o Extreme scenario leads to eating disorders digestive problems high anxiety o EX A stranger bumps into you and you assume the blame o Begins with a healthy need to think critically o Seeks power and righteousness features you statements o Frozen posture high blood pressure poor circulation back and sexual problems o EX A stranger bumps into you response Keep your arms to yourself next time 2 Blaming 3 Computing 4 Distracting o Begins with intent to be logical practical forward looking o Objective neutral stance do not mention self o Explanations are long winded possess more knowledge than others o Sophisticated form of blaming no emotion overly mature insecure flat effect o Physical effects of dry eyes and mouth emptiness o Begins with allowing for transformation and change o Limited attentiveness disconnection o Never engaged in discussion change topics o Daydreaming is prevalent dizzy nervous poor central nervous system ADHD o EX Stranger collision results in confusion lack of ownership 5 Leveling o Equality of representation o EX A stranger bumps into you I am sorry are you okay Problems with Intimacy You cannot form intimacy when using these stances because they result in Placating Suffocation and fatigue Blaming Anger Computing Emotional emptiness Distracting Lack of involvement Eventually one of these stances can take over your identity if used too often and long enough Simultaneous but conflicting desires for connection and control in family communication Tannen HIERARCHY CLOSENESS DISTANCE EQUALITY