Chapter 5: Communication"The Love Lab" - John GottmanWords can heal an ailing relationship--or seal its negative fate.Study on communication patterns, especially with how couples argue.Begins with a prompt with “how they met”  often starts an argumentWhat makes a relationship work is the way they argue.Criticism & Contempt – most damaging (couples won’t last)Criticism: you never listen, you’re always like thisContempt: (worse) putting someone else down while putting yourself at a higher position – “youre a bitch”, “youre lazy”, tone of voiceExtremely dangerous, effects long term communication in future***Use his research for paper!!Nonverbal CommunicationNonverbal communication involves all the things people do in interaction except for what they say.Tone of voice, how they say, facial expression, body language, touch, distance, paralanguageDance Theory – body positioning indicates certain languagesPupil Dilation: larger when interested in something, constrict when reject/dislike something.People are more attracted to people with dilated pupils than constricted ones. (perception of friendliness/non verbal comm. with size of pupil)Research: Men (dilate to naked women) and Women (dilate to babies)Functions of Nonverbal CommunicationProviding Information70% of communication is nonverbalhelps us present ourselves to othersconveys mood, thoughts, etcRegulating InteractionRegulates conversation and interaction with other personDefining RelationshipsProvides feedback, assurancesExpress power, status and level of intimacy in our partnersComponents of Nonverbal CommunicationFacial ExpressionsHigh cross cultural consistency with 6 universal facial expressions:Happy, fear, sad, surprise, disgust, angerBecause facial expressions are so informative, people sometimes try to control them:Intensifying (exaggeration)Minimizing (lessen)Neutralizing (withholding information)Masking (replace with other emotions)Control in order to follow certain display rules (as dictated by social/cultural norms)Cultural display rules prescribe the appropriateness of emotional expressionMicroexpression: authentic flashes of real emotion – happen when someone is trying to control their emotion.Gazing BehaviorThe direction and amount of a person’s eye contact is also very influential.Can often communicate interest/affection or as a sign of dominance (visual dominance ratio – high status people)Body MovementGestures can replace spoken words, but they vary widely from culture to culture.Posture, motion of body, hand movements (gesticulation)  allows us to judge personalities with decent accuracyPosture – indicates statusAsymmetrical Posture – higher status (executive)Symmetrical Posture – no power, lower status (assistant)Accepted status postures (norms)Touch (Haptics)Touching defines relationships.Defines intimacy and dominanceDominant people tend to touch less dominant people“The Midas Touch”Brief touch can be very powerful in influencing peopleHowever men respond less positively to touch than women doWomen: Significance of contact is determined by degree of acquaintance with the individual.Men: Significance of contact determined more by sex of individualInterpersonal DistanceIntimate zone (only intimate friends, family, lovers)Personal zone (friends and acquaintances)Social zone (engage in more business like interactions)Public zone (larger more formal interactions – still effect us)Differences in culture, gender (men more space), status (higher status more space)Paralanguage (variation in vocal stimuli)All the variations in a person’s voice other than the actual words he or she uses:rhythmpitchvolumerateaccentExample: Baby Talk – often high pitched with specific rhythm (used for babies, lovers, pets, anything that triggers the “cute” response, and the elderly)Combining the ComponentsAll nonverbal components required in order to communicate, especially when verbal component is questionable.Establishes levels of intimacy, how close you want to be with someone, or the message youre trying to establish.Ie.) To increase intimacy: use of touch, decrease interpersonal space, increase eye contact, etc.Nonverbal SensitivityPeople differ with their non-verbal sensitivity:The accuracy with which couples communicate nonverbally predicts how happy their relationships will be.Women tend to try harder with non-verbal communication than men try to, thus sending more clear, comprehensive messages via nonverbal communication.Men tend to make more mistakes in interpreting non-verbal communication, possibly due to deficits or lack of skills, but more likely due to lack of effort.Most likely due to inattention/lack of effort bc men proven to read/interpret others just as well as women.Must be aware of cultural norms – many strongly differ. We’re not always aware of what we’re communicating.Women (historically low status) may be more sensitive to nonverbal communication due to their lower status in society.Gender Differences in Nonverbal CommunicationNonverbal Low-Status High-StatusBehavior Women Men Person Person==========================================================Smiling more less more lessGazing low VDR high VDR low VDR high VDR (visual dominance ratio)Posture closed, open, closed, open,symmetric asymmetric symmetric asymmetricTouch less more less moreDistance less more less moreParalanguage submissive assertive submissive assertiveNonverbalSensitivity more less more lessSex Differences in Nonverbal CommunicationTheory of Social PenetrationAs the relationship develops over time and increases in intimacy, 2 different components of verbal communication change:Breadth of topics you feel comfortable talking about (expands faster)Depth of topics, how personal you are willing to get (later)Certain degree of reciprocity: as you open up, the other person tends to match the other’s level of openness.Responsiveness is what will sustain the intimacy.Essential “calibrating effect” – making adjustments to have an equal level of sharing.Exception to theory: “Stranger in the plane phenomena”when meeting strangers on planes/trains/etc. and they tend to open up extensively to you.Self Disclosure and Liking Article: Social Penetration (Collins and Miller)Meta Analysis – on establishment of self disclosure and intimacy of relationshipWhat are some of the moderating variables that lead to self-disclosureNot all self disclosure produces a positive resultToo much too soon is