MAINTAINING CLOSENESS What People Do – What affects our relationship can only stem from behavior we actually do • After attraction, after mate selection, then what? • Two people in a relationship must act • …And they had better act fast • People start out high in marital quality, then decline • What can couples do to prevent this decline? → Relationship maintenance Relationship Maintenance =The behaviors + strategies that partners enact to help ensure that a valued relationship will continue • If we know we have certain vulnerabilities (high neuroticism) we must invest even more in relationship maintenance Like? • Strengthening an already good relationship o = Relationship enhancement o What couples can do to make relationship even better• Adverting declines o Preventing bad times • Repairing problems o Fixing existing problems What are they key interpersonal processes likely to keep a relationship going? • Strengthening (enhancement), averting (maintenance), repairing (repair) combo • What is the process that keeps people close? • What is this “intimacy” or “closeness” • Intimacy is not a state or feeling, it is a process that you can engage in o When you feel close to someone it is the outcome of a process o A dyadic process – you cant be intimate with someone by yourself  Interaction necessary • Interaction: o A: Disclosure of self-relevant feelings + info o B: emotional + behavioral response o ⇒ Result: B’s response makes A feel good  B: Get it + accept it – validate that A is ok in the person he/she is A: feel secure, validated, cared for o Process: an exchange of behaviors o A says something, B responds with right response (makes A feel understood, validated, taken care of) ⇒ Process of intimacy  A gives them a chance to be responsive and B actually is responsive •• Shared Activities: Self-Expansion Theory: • Relationships become less fulfilling bc opportunities for expanding the self in the relationship diminish. o Excitement in life: expanding the self – expanding who we are as individuals o Feeling of being more than we were is a good feeling o A new relationship expands the self  Couple becomes a new self – thrilling feeling (the thrill of falling in love) o People who have a great relationship have a little trouble distinguishing between themselves and partner  View partner as part of them o But opportunities for expanding the self become diminished  What begins as expansion ends up becoming a routine  The moment you have learned a lot about your partner you stop expanding  Stop sharing new activities → source of thrill diminishes • Shared activities captivate something that makes the relationship fulfilling Active efforts must be made to counteract this effect • Keep relationship good? → Never stop expanding • Falling into routine is dangerous Experiments show that novel and arousing activities can increase judgments of satisfaction • Couples who are given new and exciting things to do subsequently feel closer • Keep learning new things • Capitalization: = Behaving in ways that elaborate upon and deepen the experience of positive events • Make a good thing even better What do you say to your partner when things go right? • Example: Just got an A on the exam • Often we miss opportunities to capitalize on good things• Study: have one person tell about a experience and watch partner’s response o Some were active: that’s great – we should celebrate! o Others passive: yeah that’s great, good for you  Misses an opportunity to capitalize o Some were negative: put partner down (everyone gets an A in that class) o ⇒ Predicted long-term relationship outcomes  Those who capitalize on the good things had longer + better relationships • When good things happen it is a chance to juice up a relationship o Capitalize on these opportunities •• Forgiveness: Falls under “repair” aspect Complete forgiveness requires changes that the intrapersonal and interpersonal levels • Intrapersonal: Change inside oneself (genuinely not mad anymore) to interpersonal: not fighting about it anymore Who forgives and when? Depends on: • The transgression o Transgression = ‘you screwed up’ o The smaller/milder the transgression, the more likely to be forgiven • Victim’s personality o Some people are more forgiving than others – naturally hold less grudges o Neuroticism: more prone to negative affect – less likely to forgive vs. agreeable • Explanations for the event o Attributions: way people explain other people’s behaviors o Some explanations support forgiveness, others don’t o Way we explain event determines likelihood of forgiveness • Whether the transgressor expresses remorse o “sorry” must come from genuine feeling of remorse • Qualities of the relationship o Love + dependent on relationship – more likely to forgive o Social exchange theory: high dependency – more likely to forgive  Too much to lose when staying angry at partner Not all acts can or should be forgiven, but a willingness to forego retaliation and to achieve reconciliation generally do help relationships. • Reconciliation: post-forgiveness state•• Sex + Physical Intimacy: Better relationships appear to promote more satisfying sex • Better relationship – more satisfying sex relationship Better sexual functioning appears to promote more satisfying relationships • Better sex – better relationship • But which comes first? o ⇒ Both things happen independently: feed off each other, promote each other Communication is probably a common denominator to better sex and better relationships • Consider how the Intimacy Process Model applies to both o A certain thing that is responded to in a certain way that makes partner feel validated, secure, cared for o Applies to relationship and sex life o Exchange in sexual encounters as well as communication o Applies to non-verbal just as much as to verbal communication • Responsiveness is the key! • Social Support: “Social support is conceptualized most generally as responsiveness to another’s needs and, more specifically, as acts that communicate caring, that validate the other’s worth, feelings, or actions; or that facilitate adaptive coping with problems through the provision of information,