INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES It is not enough to know how relationships form because what keeps them together may be very different from how they form – relationships change Why Study Individuals? No one enters relationships as a blank slate • People have enduring characteristics People differ form each other • What individual differences do we specifically care about – which ones matter? These differences affect relationships and how they develop How Do Individuals Vary? Traits = A Stable characteristic of you that affects how you exist in the world across multiple contexts • Example: shy – describes how a shy person interacts with world across multiple contexts o Shy over many contexts, not just in a particular situation or on a specific day • Stable characteristics of individuals Experiences = Personal history • Attachment theory – your experiences of dependence and security in infancy matter throughout life • But we don’t need to look that far back in order to find persisting personal history o Example: religion, experience of betrayal, abuse, victimization How do specific traits + experiences shape relationship functioning? Personality Traits: Basic Premise “… a large proportion of incompatible marriages are so because of a predisposition to unhappiness in one or both of the spouses. Whether by nature or by nurture, there a persons so lacking in the qualities which make for compatibility that they would be incapable of finding happiness in any marriage.” – Lewis Terman Terman: • Believed some people are better than others: some would have better lives due to genetic inheritance • Believed that individual differences are everything (success in life) • Longitudinal study: found intellectually gifted kids and followed themo Studied personality differences and effects on marriage  See paragraph above – thought bad relationships are innate  Doesn’t acknowledge the possibility of people to change + learn  There may be people who are not good at relationships (generally unhappy) but we cannot generalize so simply  People can change – grow and mature • It is not implausible that some people may be better at relationships than others o What are the qualities that make people have good relationships? •• Traits in the BIG FIVE Model: Which personality traits go together? – 5 underlying dimensions of personality traits Extroversion • Specifically social • People-person Agreeableness • Want people to like them Conscientiousness • Often confused with agreeableness: but can of course be both conscientious + agreeable • Important to you to do the ‘right thing’ - morals Neuroticism • Negative affectivity • A tendency/proneness to experience negative mood states• More negatively reactive – feel worse from same experience than someone who is low on neuroticism • Recover more slowly from negativity: negativity lasts longer Openness • Impulsivity • Eager to embrace the world and try new things, have new experiences • Difference to extroversion: extroversion is specifically about people Which trait does most to predict marital outcomes? Study: Kelly + Conley (1987) 300 couples recruited between 1935 and 1938. Data collected in 1954-1955 and again in 1980 • Best way to study relationships is to study people’s entire lives • 50 yrs of data on these people At the first assessment, five acquaintances rated each person’s personality • Many studies focus on self-reports, but this study used outsiders to rate your personality • Different people that know you know different sides of you Spouses provided reports of divorce or how happy they were in the marriages at 3 times, yielding 3 groups: • Below mean on all measures at all times (17) o = unhappy group (17/300 couples) • No consistent pattern of distress (110) o Might have been unhappy at times but were overall ok and pretty happy in marriage • Divorced (50) Results for Women:Biggest predictor of marital dissatisfaction: • NEUROTICISM o Happy couples: below mean on neuroticism o Unhappy: around mean of experiencing negative moods tates o Divorced women: way above mean for neuroticism Results for Men: • NEUROTICISM most important predictor as well! • But impulse control mattered for men as wello Happy married: above mean in impulse control o Divorced: below mean in impulse control (rated low by friends for having low impulse control) Why was impulse control important for men but less so for women? • Evolutionary theory • Historical era – men were more likely to be out working in the 1950s whereas women were more likely to stay home o More opportunities to stray for men (infidelity) Why is Neuroticism a Problem? One common correlate of Neuroticism is Self-Esteem • High on neuroticism + low on self-esteem tendency The Dependency Regulation Model • To have a relationship (get close to someone) requires that you also be vulnerable • Physical + emotional trust • To be in a relationship = to be dependent • On one hand we want that dependence bc it feels so good to trust someone but it also feels scary o Will the partner change their minds? • Relationship involves a tension: want to be in a trusting relationship but at the same time we don’t want to be hurt (protect ourselves) o This tension between desiring closeness + afraid of vulnerability is inherent to all relationships o Different people balance this tension in different ways  Self-esteem: big effect how people manage this Why do people with low self-esteem have worse intimate relationships on average? • Low self-esteem: people with low self-esteem have worse relationships • Low self-esteem disregulates how you manage the tension:• If I have low self-esteem I assume that you also think I am not good enough o Poor self regard → assume others agree (incl partners) o But partners like them fine • Low self-esteem people underestimate how much other people like them o So worried that they wont be liked that they are bracing for it and underestimate how much they are actually liked • Result: devalue partner (why should I be vulnerable if you don’t like me that much) – protect oneself from relationship (tell oneself that partner isn’t that great) • Express discontent to partner • But also desperate for positive reassurance – want the reassurance but don’t