COMMUNICATIONCommunication ProcessMessagesTwo LevelsSPECIFIC FOCUS: Intent Messages in Competition/Control Talk and Cooperative TalkCOMMUNICATION What is communication?o “A symbolic, transactional process that involves creating and sharing meanings through consistent patterns of interaction.”o Shared meaning is important. Communication ProcessThree assumptions describing family communication:1. Is not random (patterns; repetition)2. Is transactional (reciprocal nature, all members participate)3. Is impossible to not participate Messages- The information that is exchanged when we communicate.- Units of information between sender and receiver. Two Levels1. Digital—Content Level (Overt) – "What"o Information expressedo Semantics2. Analogic—Relationship/Intent/(Covert) – "How"o Feelings, Movement, Expression (interpretation)- Metamessage o Similar to Analogic or Relationship Levelo Message about the message- Framing and Decoding o How a message is interpretedo Meaning attributed to the metamessageo Subjective and personal o FACTORS: Body language; ongoing relationship; nonverbal cues; habit/custom; relationship length/value.- Importance of Context  Four Kinds of Messages in Close Relationships 1. Small talk 2. Competition/Control talk 3. Cooperative/Straight talk 4. Meta-communication  SPECIFIC FOCUS: Intent Messages in Competition/Control Talk and Cooperative Talk Types Of Analogic Messages:1. Cooperativeo Security, trust, acceptance.- Affirmation and rewardo Pleasing and satisfyingo Eagerness to be with this persono Digital statement: "The things you say really make me laugh. I love the way I feel when we are together."o Analogic meaning: "You are special and I enjoy our company."- Building trusto Disclosing emotions, seeking understanding, revealing parts of self, communicating trust and sharing – vulnerability. o Digital statement: "I know that my mother worked awfully hard all her life – she was a teacher and a very strong person. My father, on the other hand…o Analogic meaning: Feeling of safety; displays a willingness to trust.2. Competitiveo Demands (reciprocal)o "I have to compete with you to be more controlling."- Creating or Maintaining Distanceo Set boundaries and make clear that little information is wanted from the other person.o Digital statement: "I’m unsure about tonight. I’ve been very busy all week. Last week wassuch a bear for me. You know what I’m like when I don’t get my rest."o Analogic meaning: Boredom; limited desire to interact; need for space.- Demanding Changeo A control technique with the intent to force the other to change.o Displaying a power dynamic.o Digital statement: "Everything I do displeases her – the way I handle the kids, where I live, the way I dress. When she’s cross, it doesn’t matter what she’s mad at."o Analogic meaning: Mother needs the daughter to change because her means of management are preferable. - Specification of Ownershipo Declare that you own what is being discussed; can be objects, emotions, or people.o Specify individuality, independence, autonomy, assertiveness.o Digital statement: Teen to mother: "This is my room; I will clean it when I want to. You do not have any right to tell me to take these posters off of my wall."o Analogic meaning: Depth of relationship contains undercurrent of competitiveness.- Punishmento Destructive imbalance, you feel that you have a right to punish the other if they do not believe the relationship will be jeopardized.o Digital message: "I have always been afraid of my mother, I suppose and as my husband says, I probably still try to please her. She can be very critical of me, just devastating at times, and it always tears me up."- Seeking Validationo Demand recognition or approval from family members.o Digital message: "I’m wondering dear, how do you like the job I did on the yard? You know I worked hard to make this look nice. What do you think?"- Surrendering and Declaring Martyrdomo Manipulative strategy that defines relationship in terms of helplessness and weakness. Congruent and Paradoxical Messages- Congruent messageo Convey the same meanings.- Paradoxical messageso Convey different meanings.- Double Bind paradox o Two conflicting messages (imperatives) being transmitted, followed by a demand for closeness. Self-Disclosure: “When one person voluntarily shares another thing about her/himself that the other is unlikely to discover from other sources.”- Rule of Reciprocity: Match the level of disclosure. 4 Destructive Communication Stances1. Placating o Begins with a healthy need to please. o Often gives long, involved excuses, enabling.o Extreme scenario leads to eating disorders, digestive problems, high anxiety. o EX. – A stranger bumps into you, and you assume the blame.2. Blaming o Begins with a healthy need to think critically.o Seeks power and righteousness; features "you statements."o Frozen posture, high blood pressure, poor circulation, back and sexual problems.o EX. – A stranger bumps into you; response = "Keep your arms to yourself next time."3. Computing o Begins with intent to be logical, practical; forward-looking.o Objective, neutral stance – do not mention self.o Explanations are long-winded; possess more knowledge than others.o Sophisticated form of blaming; no emotion, overly mature, insecure, flat effect.o Physical effects of dry eyes and mouth, emptiness.4. Distracting o Begins with allowing for transformation and change.o Limited attentiveness, disconnection.o Never engaged in discussion, change topics.o Daydreaming is prevalent; dizzy, nervous, poor central nervous system, ADHD.o EX. – Stranger collision results in confusion; lack of ownership.5. Leveling o Equality of representation.o EX. – A stranger bumps into you: “I am sorry, are you okay?”  Problems with Intimacy- You cannot form intimacy when using these stances because they result in: Placating – Suffocation and fatigue. Blaming – Anger. Computing – Emotional emptiness. Distracting – Lack of involvement.- Eventually, one of these stances can take over your identity if used too often and long enough. Simultaneous but conflicting desires for connection and control in family communication. (Tannen) HIERARCHY CLOSENESS DISTANCE