CONFLICT DEFINITION OF CONFLICT:o Tension between family members that result from competing goals or strategies.o Signals a need for readjustment of the patterns of interaction. Why is conflict so problematic?o Complicates homeostasis in family.o Results in an imbalanced power struggle.o Occurs regardless of location: public vs. private – provokes judgment and negativity. Johnson’s Interpersonal Conflict Strategies1. The Turtle (Withdrawing): Goals ↓ Relationship ↓o Withdraw into their shells to avoid conflict.o Uncomfortable; vulnerable.o Sacrifice both their personal goals and relationships.o Evade issues over which conflict is occurring and from the people they are in conflict with.o Believe that it is hopeless to try to resolve conflicts; helplessness; withdraw physically and emotionally.2. The Shark (Forcing): Goals ↑ Relationship ↓o Try to overpower opponents by coercing partner to accept their solution to the conflict.o Value their personal goals; mutual relationship is of minor importance.o Seek to achieve their own goals at all costs; are not impacted by the perspective of others; believe that there is always one winner and loser.o Attempt to win by attacking, overpowering, overwhelming, and intimidating others.3. The Teddy Bear (Smoothing) : Goals ↓ Relationship ↑o The relationship is of great importance, while their own goals are of little importance.o Seek acceptance and validation of others; believe that conflict should be avoided in favor ofharmony and that disputes cannot be discussed without damaging relationships.o Afraid that if conflict continues, someone will get hurt; sacrifice their own goals to preservethe relationship.4. The Fox (Compromising): Goals ↔ Relationship ↔o Moderately concerned with their goals and their relationships with other people.o Sacrifice part of their goals and persuade the other person in a conflict to do the same.o Seek a solution to conflict on the middle ground.5. The Owl (Confronting): Goals ↑ Relationship ↑o Highly value own goals and relationships.o View conflicts as problems to be solved and seek a solution that achieves both their own goals and the goals of the other person in the conflict.o Perceive conflicts as improving relationships by reducing tension between two people.o Aim for a "win-win" situation where the goals of both parties are achieved and the quality of the relationship is restored.  Denying ConflictConflict enhances marriage unless:- Anger Insteads (triangulation): boxing, drinking, gossiping.- Passive aggression – redirected rage and expression.o Sabotage – directed toward another's activities; hidden keys.o Displacement – directed toward another's possessions; loosened buttons.- Devitalized marriage – distance/emotional divorce. Alienating Practices- Fight evadingo Seek to avoid conflicto Withdrawal creates distanceo Claim to not want to hurt partner- Gunnysackingo Store problems and release them simultaneouslyo Hold resentments until they explodeo Detrimental – provokes defensiveness of partnero Fight about everything that has gone wrong in the past six months.- Kitchen-sink fightso The fighters bring up any issue they can think of throughout the fight.o Purpose: to "score points"- Mixed or double messageso Simultaneous, contradictingo May be verbal, nonverbal, or both (paradoxical)o Senders may be unaware of message perception- Gaslightingo Needing to be right in order to preserve one's own sense of self and power; destructive.o EX. – Undercut the partner at a personal level after an attack. Positive Conflict Resolution Strategies- Asking for Behavioral Change1. Describe o Objectively describe what was seen or heard that was upsetting.o Depict the behaviors as opposed to personal qualities.o Use descriptive words, not labels.2. Expresso Disclose how you reacted/ensuing emotions – take ownership.o Use I-messages, rather than accusing.3. Specifyo Specify your desired approach; preferred response to future situations.4. Consequenceso Indicate the positive effects that will occur if behavior is changed.o If partner refuses to compromise, outline the negative consequences (expectations if change is not introduced). Guidelines for Bonding Fights – tactics that increase closeness.1. Listen – results in mutual respect.2. Level with each other – particularly concerning matters that hurt you.3. Use I-statements to avoid attack – communicate reciprocity; insults are destructive.4. Give feedback and assess your interpretation5. Choose the time and place carefully6. Focus anger only on specific issues7. Know what the fight is about – metacommunication.8. Ask for a specific change, but be open to compromise – propose solutions; negotiation.9. Be willing to change yourself10. Don’t try to win – produces resentment and inferiority of "losing"