CHAPTER PREVIEW1. 1 The Nature of Interpersonal Deception2. 2 The Diversity of Deceptive Acts3. 3 Communication Behaviors and Deception4. 4 Detecting Lies in Different ContextsFEELING THE PAIN OF DISHONESTYAmanda Broadband had always harbored suspicions about her husband Stuart's past. He claimed to have been faithful during their 15-year relationship, but in 2008 Amanda discovered—in a very public and humiliating way—that he had been lying. The spouses were contestants on Jerry Springer's British television game show Nothing But the Truth, in which participants are hooked up to a lie detector and asked a series of personal questions on the air. Those who answer every question truthfully can win the equivalent of $100,000, but one lie and all the money is lost. Faced with the chance to pocket significant cash, Stuart responded to a question about his marital fidelity by revealing that he had carried on a brief affair several years earlier. Although relieved to know the truth, Amanda felt betrayed and deeply embarrassed—all the more so because her husband's deception had been exposed on national television.Page 382No one likes being lied to. When we find out someone has deceived us, we feel angry and taken advantage of. Although those feelings of betrayal and violation can occur in all relationships, they can be particularly strong—and painful—when the deception occurs in the context of a close relationship, as it did for Amanda and Stuart. Deception hurts us emotionally, and it erodes our trust in others, as the “Communication: Dark Side” box explains.1Yet are you completely honest all the time? Do you ever pretend you're happy to see someone, just to avoid hurting that person's feelings? How about those times you say “Sorry, I have plans” when you don't really have plans, but you want to get out of something you don't want to do? Most of us would have to admit we don't always tell “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” But being polite, tactful, or discreet isn't really the same thing as lying. Is it?1 The Nature of Interpersonal DeceptionYou don't have to look far to find high-profile examples of deception. In 2009, New York Yankees infielder Alex Rodriguez became the most prominent baseball player yet to admit to using performance-enhancing drugs, a charge he had squarely denied before that time. The previous year, track star Marion Jones was sentenced to six months in prison for lying to investigators about using steroids, a confession that also cost Jones her five Olympic medals. From politicians to advertisers to professional athletes, it seems that many people in our world attempt to benefit personally by deceiving others.Whatever our personal feelings may be about the value of honesty, the reality is that most people conceal the truth on a regular basis.2 To respect the privacy of a co-worker who is in treatment for alcohol addiction, for instance, you may tell her clients that she's away from work on a “special assignment.” By the same token, you may tell your 12-year-old nephew that he did a “wonderful job” performing in his school musical, even though he can barely carry a tune, because you want to encourage him. Sometimes, in fact, we even reprimand people for telling the truth. When children make straightforward comments about other people (“You smell funny,” “Your teeth are really yellow”), we usually teach them it is impolite to say such things, even though they are expressing honest opinions.We might agree that lying is wrong if we do it to hurt someone, but what if we do it to avoid hurting someone?3 We may choose not to think of politeness or discretion as examples of lying, because words such aslying and deception have negative connotations. However, even when their intentions are admirable, people often misrepresent the truth to achieve them.4 When we think of lying as a misrepresentation of the truth—no matter what the intention—we realize that deception is often a part of everyday social interaction.Page 383HURTING THE ONES WE LOVE: DECEPTION CAN DESTROY TRUSTWhen Kendra Craig first met her husband Andy, he was heavily in debt. Over the next six years, shehelped him restructure his finances and pay off all his credit card balances. He then admitted that he owed almost $13,000 on an additional credit card that she didn't know about. Kendra refinanced their house to pay off that debt, but she informed Andy in no uncertain terms that if he ever lied to her againabout his debts, she would leave him. Eight months later, Kendra found a credit card statement with a balance of over $6,000 under the passenger's seat in Andy's car. She felt completely betrayed. It was bad enough that Andy was jeopardizing their family's financial health by continuing to accrue debt. The fact that he was also lying to Kendra about it made her feel as though he had completely violated her trust.Kendra's painful experience is not unique. As you have seen in this course, close personal relationships require the ability to trust. When you learn that someone you care about has lied to you, particularly abouta matter of importance, that discovery often makes you less willing to believe other statements that person makes. In other words, it erodes your trust in the individual. When trust is compromised in a close relationship, it may never fully recover, even if you forgive the person for lying. If you find yourself the victim of violated trust, think honestly about how that episode has affected your trust in that person.ASK YOURSELF- Where does trust come from? What makes you trust others?- Has deception ever ruined your trust in another person? If so, how did your willingness to trust that person change over time, if at all?Throughout this chapter, it's important to keep an open mind and think of deception as just one of many communication processes you're learning about in this class. That doesn't mean you should check your morals or beliefs at the door. On the contrary, how you think about the value of honesty, reliability, and integrity helps to define who you are as a human being. Many people believe that honesty is truly the bestpolicy. Nearly all the major world religions promote the virtue of honesty and condemn deceptive behavior.Remember, though, that studying something isn't the same as condoningit. Whether or not you are ethically or morally opposed to lying, understanding deception helps you to become a better