Relationship Cognition Cognition accessibility Bottom up vs top down processing Bottom up processing Perceptions guided by stimulus Input comes from outside Top down processing Perceptions guided by the perceiver Existing mental representations shape how we view the world Input comes from inside the perceiver Relationship examples how does your mood or other temporary states affect the way you perceive your relationships date arrives 30 minutes late your mood good mood no big deal caught in traffic bad mood inconsiderate doesn t care Relationship examples how does your personality and other chronic states affect the way you perceive relationships bf gf forgets your anniversary your self esteem high no big deal just stressed out by school low the relationship is over partner doesn t love me anymore Mindsets implicit theories of relationships What are they Destiny fixed growth What would each predict Destiny mindset Potential partners are either right or wrong A successful relationship is mostly a matter of finding the right partner Relationships that do not start off well will probably fail You re the one who got married who found that one person one out of like 7 billion who you re meant to be with One That s like what spies can do Growth mindset The ideal relationship develops over time Obstacles can make love even stronger A relationship succeeds through hard work and resolution of incompatibilities Ex Dax Shepard on his marriage to Kristin Bell We don t believe in The One Kristin and I don t believe in the fairytale We don t believe that you can meet someone and you have perfectly matching personalities We are opposites and it has taken a tremendous amount of work and therapy for us to coexist My only fear is that people see us and think Oh I just need to find my Kristin Bell That s not true Relationships are labor intensive If you want them to last they are labor intensive Destiny vs Growth Growth mindset is associated with more relationship maintenance behaviors Mindsets are orthogonal i e independent not opposite ends of a spectrum so it is possible to hold both mindsets Fate brings people together but then it is up to them Mindsets are flexible and can change over time Being Single Why are there more single people today Demographics 97 men for every 100 women in the US Economics Better career and earning potential for women The feeling that one cannot afford marriage Technology Birth control 1960 s Reproductive technologies Culture Sex outside of marriage accepted Emerging adulthood Marriage no longer becoming adult Order of priorities accomplishments Effects of being single Single individuals are more likely to frequently stay in touch with provide help to and receive help from parents siblings neighbors and friends than the married Being single increased the social connections of both men and women a trend that remained even when taking into account structural explanations of social relationships The researchers concluded that instead of promoting marriage public policy should acknowledge the social constraints associated with marriage and recognize that single individuals have greater involvement with the broader community Cohabitation Quasi cohabitation vs living apart together Quasi cohabitation when individuals spend most nights together but maintain separate residences living apart together is a slightly different version of this People cohabit due to economic reasons and as a precursor to marriage Is cohabitation related to worse relationship outcomes When Why Age at cohabitation not cohabitation itself accounts for differences in divorce rates Move in together before 23 and your risk of divorce is higher Women who have marital commitment prior to cohabitation may have decreased risk of later divorce Currently best time to get married is between 28 32 Communication Identify and describe the different positive and negative conflict styles discussed in class The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse communication behaviors used by couples who were highly likely to go on to divorce Criticism not a complaint or critique which focuses on specific behavior instead an ad hominem attack on your partner Complaint I was scared when you were running late and didn t call me I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other Criticism You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people I don t believe you are that forgetful you re just selfish You never think of others You never think of me Contempt Mean and disrespectful Attitude of utter disgust or hatred Sarcasm name calling eye rolling sneering mockery You re tired Cry me a river I ve been with the kids all day running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic computer games I don t have time to deal with another kid try to be more pathetic Defensiveness Blaming the partner It s not me it s definitely you Stonewalling Listener withdraws from the interaction Shuts down closes themselves off from the other Acts as though they don t care Avoidance of not just the fight but the relationship itself Other problematic behaviors Unhappy couples do a poor job of saying what they mean Kitchen sinking addressing several problems at once so everything but the kitchen sink gets added to the fight You never load the dishes in the dishwasher you never fold the laundry you don t pick up the kids from school you just leave me to do everything Off beam wandering from topic to topic so that the conversation never stays on one problem long enough to resolve it You never do what I ask You re just as stubborn as your mother and you always take her side like last week when we went to her house Unhappy couples do a poor job of hearing each other Mindreading jumping to conclusions and assuming they know what their partner means instead of checking their understanding Distressed couples tend to perceive unpleasant motives where neutral or positive ones actually exist You re just saying that because you re mad that I called you out about going out all the time with your friends Interrupting not necessarily bad in and of itself Interrupting to express agreement or ask for clarification can be okay Interrupting to express disagreement or change the subject leaves partners feeling disregarded and unappreciated Mindreading often leads to interrupting Unhappy couples always find something wrong Yes butting constantly pointing out