Grade Buddy Communication (Cont.)• The way we express emotions via facial expressions appears to be hardwired• When we are authentically expressing our emotions, they are understood universally• Blind people express their emotions via the same facial expressions as sighted people• Display rules: cultural norms that dictate what emotions should be present in particular situations• Intensifying, or exaggerating, them• Minimizing, or lessening, them• Neutralizing, or withholding, them• Masking, or replacing, them with other apparent emotions• Microexpressions: the authentic emotion that is visible when you are trying to control your facial expressionsGazing Behavior • Def: direction and amount of eye contact• Can communicate interest• Can also communicate dominance• Typical gaze 40% when speaking, 60% when listening• Dominant: 60% when speaking, 40% when listeningBody Movement• Unlike facial expressions, vary considerably from culture to culture• Harder to control than facial expressions• Can be indicative of status• High status• Asymmetric• Take up a lot of spaceBody Movement: Gestures in Different CulturesTouch• Touch typically conveys closeness and affection• As relationships become more intimate, touch typically increases• Uninvited touch• High status people touch lower status people more than the other way around• Women judged unfavorably if they touch men who are not their subordinatesNonverbal Sensitivity • Couples who communicate accurately, can read each others cues, report they are happier• Women typically better at reading and sending messages than men• Women seem to try harder• When motivation is high, men’s performance improves but women still outperform men on average• Unhappy couples can read strangers’ cues better than each other’s!• Appears to be a performance, not skills, deficitA Few Sex Differences in Nonverbal Communication• Women smile more• Women adopt more submissive postures• Similar to low status people interacting with high status people• These differences disappear if women are in positions of powerBody Language and How to Maximize Connection• Mirroring/Mimicry• Typically feels “automatic”• Get your body in sync with their body• Maximize what is similar• Think about similarities, too• Breathing, facial, body movements, words they use, zone on wheel, speech rateSocial Penetration Theory• Human personalities are like onions• Superficial, social vs. core layers• Linear model• People typically reveal more about themselves as a relationship progresses• Breadth: number of topics discussed• Depth: how personal the info revealed is• Self disclosure: process of revealing information about yourself to another• We tend to match the level of self disclosure in new relationships• Reciprocal self disclosure is more important early in a relationship• Once established, we value responsiveness (support, acceptance) over reciprocity•More self disclosure assoc. with satisfaction• Total self disclosure rare and not advisedTaboo Topics• Certain topics we avoid• Most common (68%) state of the relationship• High # of taboo subjects is related to less satisfaction UNLESS the relationship is highly committed AND/OR we feel we are protecting the relationship by avoiding these topics• May indirectly determine commitment via• Secret tests: triangle, endurance, separationGender Differences in Verbal Communication• In general, men and women are more alike than different, however….• More intimacy/depth seems to occur when women are involved in a conversation• Women use less forceful language than men– More qualifiers, more tentative, more indirect• Men and women are equally talkative•Men tend to talk less often, but when they do, they talk for a longer period of timeInstrumentality vs. Expressivity• Perhaps these differences are more a reflection of degree of instrumentality•About half of US men are sex-typed•Conversations with other men more superficial•Tend to be lonely without female relationships•Men high on androgyny tend to have intimate conversations with others that more closely resemble women’s conversations•Intimate interactions more likelyMiscommunication• Unhappy couples: communicate poorly with each other• They don’t speak to each other nicely• Not precise, kitchen sinking, drift off beam• They don’t listen to each other well• Don’t double check perceptions• Do engage in mind reading• Listen only well enough to form a rebuttalRelationship Researcher: John Gottman• Complaining and having conflict in a relationship are not necessarily detrimental• It is how we conduct those disagreements • Several communication markers do predict break upMarkers Associated with Break upFailure to Accept Influence• Reluctance to share power with partner• Most common scenario: male won’t shareHarsh Start-Up• Among heterosexuals, women more likely to bring up issues: 80%• If this is occurs, discussion typically maintains that level of negativity or escalates• True 94% of the time• Less likely if male allows female to influenceThe 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse• 1. Criticism• Attack someone’s personality or character, not behavior• If chronic, can be precursor for next horseman• Usually not specific and includes blaming the other• Ex: “You didn’t empty the dishwasher because you don’t care about my feelings”•• 2. Contempt• Intentionally insult and psychologically hurt partner• Disgust for partner conveyed• Hostile humor, sarcasm• Nonverbal messages, such as The Eye Roll, The Sneer• Ex: “You are just like your mother!”• 3. Defensiveness• After experiencing contempt, the parties begin to defend themselves• If you are under attack (from criticism and contempt) you feel justified fighting back• Make excuses, deny responsibility, cross complaining, mind reading• 4. Stonewalling• Shut down, refuse to communicate• More likely in men (85%)• Emotional flooding: become overwhelmed by one’s negative feelings• Some couples can tolerate more flooding• Heterosexual women’s HR goes up when stonewalled• If stonewalled: no change for heterosexual menMarkers Associated with Break upFailure to Accept Influence• Reluctance to share power with partner• Most common scenario: male won’t shareFailure To PrepareHarsh Start-Up• Among