Chapter 1 Black box phenomenon it just happens Understanding and performing Interpersonal skills ability to communicate effectively between people Effectively communicating the message you intended consequences match intentions what can cause ineffective communication Accents nonverbals intonation etc Improving your interpersonal effectiveness 1 Interact with others 2 Assessing the consequences of your behavior and receiving feedback asking others 3 Reflecting and deciding if the consequences match your intentions 3a if NO change modify the process in some way 3b if YES good Figure out what you did to have successful communication 4 Repeat the process so that your consequences and intentions match Why are relationships important Physical health lonely people have poorer health Mental health depression anxiety Secures self understanding you can learn about yourself through feedback More optimistic more hope Socialization Better able to cope with stress anxiety Personal development through feedback Build a successful career employers value interpersonal communication skills Diads 2 people small group large groups The larger the group the more interpersonal skills required Types of interactions Size Formality Informal ex friends Formal ex boss Personal continuum Are they personal or impersonal The more personal the relationship the more integral it is to your identity more irreplaceable You re more open they re more unique More intrinsically motivated to keep personal relationships Crude law of relationships relationships are really hard to establish but very easy to break CHAPTER 2 Openness is two sided With other people disclosing self To others listening to others Requires self awareness self acceptance and trust Self disclosure telling of the previously unknown about one s self so that it becomes shared knowledge with others Present focused doesn t mean sharing secrets from the past reactions to events happening in the present Involves reactions to people and events includes feelings as well as fact Two dimensional breadth number of topics covered and depth how much you choose to reveal Reciprocity depends on the stage of the relationship early stages the amount of self disclosure needs to be matched established relationships strict reciprocity occurs less frequently Foundations for successful relationships How does self disclosure impact relationships Among individuals Mutual understanding trust ties that bind people In groups Trust legitimize group membership strengthen group identity Listeners provide useful info about social reality Depending on how a listener reacts we get information about the correctness or appropriate of our views Consensual validation comparing our perceptions and reactions with the reactions and perceptions of others Increases our self awareness and clarifies our understanding of ourselves values beliefs morals wants needs Expression of feelings is a freeing experience Self disclosure is an important part of managing our stress and adversity Dangers of self awareness Can lead to you being self absorbed Self Awareness Discrepancy between behaviors and standards Behavior change Withdrawal dysfunctional behavior Johari window relationship between disclosure feedback and self awareness Known Self stuff we and others know about us Blind Self stuff others know about us that we don t Hidden Self stuff we know about us that others don t Unknown Self stuff no one knows about We re not all in one box we have pieces in each When we self disclose to others we are diminishing the hidden box and growing the known box When we get feedback we are decreasing blind Suggestions for seeking constructive feedback Ask for feedback for your behavior not for your personality Personality is a constant trait causes feelings of dejection depression and could lead to possible hostility Ask the person to be descriptive not judgmental State what occurred not judgments of right or wrong good or bad etc Focus on the specific present situation not on broad impressions or past situations Make it clear that you want the other person s perceptions and feelings and not their Give feedback in the same way only give it to those that ask for it Also don t give a laundry list of things advice CHAPTER 3 What is trust Trust is complex it is an aspect of relationships never fixed hard to build and easy to destroy involves being trust worthy needs to be appropriate Trust and communication Trust is necessary for open communication High degree of trust Disclose more accurate information Confident that the other person is telling the truth Distrust creates problems in communication Goal becomes self protection Feel compelled to withhold information Trusting vs trustworthy Trusting vulnerable to other people Involves Openness Self disclosure When you are willing to risk beneficial or harmful consequences by making yourself Sharing Trusting is Openness Self disclosure and Sharing TOSS Trustworthy Involves When you are willing to respond to another person s risk taking in a way that ensures that the other person will experience beneficial consequences Acceptance Support Cooperative intentions Trusworthiness is Unwavering acceptance and support Reciprocating the other person s disclosures Nourishing the relationship by signaling cooperative intentions TURN Distrusting others Less likely to take risks More likely to seek out protection against betrayal Reduces our spontaneity and friendliness Can make us feel anxious uneasy and insecure Can create problems in communication Building interpersonal trust Behaviors that decrease trust Trust has two sides and is established through a sequence of trusting actions L aughing at the other person O penly moralizing about another s behavior S ilent poker face or rejecting actions E valuating the other in your response R efusing to reciprocate in openness and sharing Reestablishing trust after it s broken 1 Establish superordinate goals 2 Increase interdependence 3 Joint intensions 4 Keep your word 5 Be trustworthy 6 Test the waters 7 Apologize immediately 8 Tough but fair reputation Trust in friendships Two kinds of interpersonal trust in friendships Reliability we believe others will do what they promised to do Emotional trust we believe that others are concerned about how we feel and will act to protect our welfare CHAPTER 4 Interpersonal communication any verbal or nonverbal behavior that is perceived by another person a message sent by a person to a receiver