EXAM 3 STUDY GUIDE Chapter 8 Men look for someone who is smart an attractive figure good parents gentle allows individual development has a mind of her own and a sense of humor Women look for someone who is hardworking intellectual attractive allows independence same religion sensitive to emotions and emotionally strong Males and females both look for an attractive figure gentle same religion mind of own and a sense of humor Evolutionary Theory Humans have 3 basic instincts 1 Need for protection 2 Parent protects the child 3 Sexual drive We love in order to produce offspring Men want healthy women to carry offspring and women want men with resources who can care for her and the offspring Sexual selection competition for mates to ensure reproductive success Men look for fertility cues such as figure and youth Women look for provider and protector cues Lee s Color s of Love Theory Evidence based theory that says there are six different ways to love Each style is independent People with compatible love styles will be happier with each other than incompatible love styles Eros the romantic lover secure attachment unrealistic ideal partner erotic love does not last immediate attraction Ludos game playing seduction chase several relationships avoidant attachment commitment and dependency are not valued Storgic quiet calm builds over time goal is marriage friends companionate don t suddenly fall in love stability Mania crazy love possessive dependent roller coaster fear separation anxious ambivalent attachment jealousy envy highs and lows protective Pragma practical lover shopping list of qualities make the best deal deep and lasting planners Agape selfless altruistic patient kind never jealous happens in brief episodes unconditional family love Steinberg s Love Triangle Theory There are three basic elements of love passion intimacy and commitment Passion sexual desire and physical attraction part of romantic love Intimacy connection and feelings of closeness an emotional investment Commitment to love in the short term to maintain that love in the long term Nonlove most daily relationships casual no intimacy passion or commitment Liking intimacy friend zone Infatuation passion casual hookup quickly fades Empty love commitment passion and intimacy can develop later or have been lost Romantic love passion and intimacy intense joyful 1st phase Companionate love commitment and intimacy long term friends Fatuous love passion and commitment silly foolish Consummate love passion intimacy and commitment Social Exchange Theory All behavior is a series of exchanges Individuals seek to maximize rewards and reduce the costs When one receives a reward they feel obligated to reciprocate Reward cost outcome of exchange Filter Theory Exogamy only marry outside of a certain group Endogamy only marry inside a certain group religious groups Propinquity physical closeness Homogamy similar background and upbringing Heterogamy different background or upbringing We look for someone who can offer what no one else can Self disclosure is important in an intimate relationship Those who value intimacy tend to be more trusting concerned for others disclose more have more positive thoughts about others are perceived as more likable smile laugh make more eye contact and enjoy marriage more Components of Intimacy conflict management affection value relationship sexual communication individual identity maintained relate to each other share deep thoughts autonomy from family religion and spirituality Before engaging in a sexual relationships you should think about 1 Your values 2 Honesty about yourself 3 Honesty with your partner Intimacy skills self love receptivity listening affection trust respect Jealousy occurs when a relationship feels threatened May happen when the threat has qualities the person wants for self Demonstrates a lack of trust and low self esteem Self fulfilling prophecy Those who do not experience jealousy tend to have secure and more fulfilling relationships Shows a loving relationship has depth Compulsiveness love addiction based upon an adolescent view of love that never matures A love based on need that is never truly fulfilling Possessiveness trying to control the partner s behavior in order to feel worthy or by withdrawing or manipulating love Smothers the relationship in the long term A sign of low self esteem and can lead to stalking Part of love is the joy of seeing the partner free to pursue his her desires and appreciating the differences between partners Men value good looks and a younger partner Females value good financial prospects and older partners Culturally transmitted gender roles are the largest factor that affects the style of intimacy Men are inhibited from expressing intimacy show it though behavior Gay couples are more likely to believe in the importance of sharing intimacy than heterosexual men Initial attraction increases intimacy Higher sexual desire less unfaithful thoughts Chapter 9 Good communication is related to happier more satisfied couples and increases the probability that a relationship will last Communication builds intimacy builds longer relationships prevents problems improves sexual satisfaction related to sexual behavior Shaped by culture Secure Attachment seek and maintain closeness don t fear abandonment allow others to get close have warm happy and trusting relationships Sex with commitment Less one night stands More open to sexually exploring new things Avoidant Attachment uncomfortable with too much closeness don t trust others no intimacy don t depend on others experienced separation More sexual partners Short term relationships Anxious Ambivalent Attachment insecure fear abandonment fear that they are not really loved cling and push for commitment push away before rejection Sex for approval Three opposing goals in communication 1 Get the job done send the message 2 Relational goal maintain a relationship 3 Identity management goal portray our self image Four Fundamental Communication Skills 1 Communication effectiveness say what you mean mean what you say 2 Perceptual accuracy you know what I mean 3 Predictive accuracy how will this person respond if I say this 4 Interpersonal cognitive complexity social information from the environment Nonverbal Communication Comprises the bulk of our communication Can be less threatening but more likely to be misunderstood Women are better at deciphering nonverbal communication and use more eye contact head nods