Chapter 11 Dialectics we fluctuate in our pursuit of different goals opposing motivations o Examples alone time vs time with partner o Openness vs closeness o Stability vs change o Integration vs segregation from others How attachment style relates to conflict o Preoccupied attachment style o High neuroticism o Younger couples o Incompatibility o Alcohol Responses to conflict Association in instigating conflict o Criticism demeaning derogatory targets interpretation matters o Illegitimate demands unjust exceeding normal expectations o Rebuffs appeal not equal to expected response o Cumulative annoyances trivial events that become irritating with repetition Types of couples o Volatiles couples have frequent and passionate arguments They plunge into fiery efforts to persuade and influence each other and they often display high levels of negative affect but they temper their anger with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other o Validators fight more politely They tend to be calmer than volatile couples are and they behave more like collaborators than like antagonists as they work through their problems Their discussions may become heated but they frequently validate each other by expressing empathy for and understanding of the other s point of view o Hostiles are marked by negativity and their marriages are more fragile than those of the other three groups o Avoiders rarely argue They avoid confrontation and if they do discuss their conflicts they do so mildly and gingerly All result in stable and enduring marriages Key maintaining the 5 1 ratio Attribution conflict Fighting over whose account of an incident is right and whose is wrong Rusbult s typology p 352 1 Voice is behaving in an active constructive manner by trying to improve the situation by discussing matters with the partner changing one s behavior in an effort to solve the problem or obtaining advice from a friend or therapist 2 Loyalty is behaving in a passive but constructive manner by optimistically waiting and hoping for conditions to improve 3 Exit is behaving in an actively destructive manner by leaving the partner threatening to end the relationship or engaging in abusive acts such as yelling or hitting 4 Neglect is behaving in a passive but destructive manner by avoiding discussion of critical issues and reducing interdependence with the partner Types of conflict Outcomes of conflict o Separation occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict o Domination one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates This happens routinely when one person is more powerful than the other and the more powerful partner will typically be pleased with the outcome o Compromise occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be found o Integrative agreements satisfy both partners original goals and aspirations usually through creativity and flexibility o Structural improvement on occasion the partners not only get what they want but also learn and grow and make desirable changes to their relationship Direct Conflict confronting the conflict Indirect conflict choses not to acknowledge the conflict Chapter 12 Principle of lesser interest o Less interest More power o Social power is the ability to influence the behavior of others and to resist their influence on us Types of power o Reward power you can give them something they like or take it away o Coercive power you can do something to them they don t like or take away something they do like o Legitimate they recognize your authority to tell them what to do o Referent power they identify with you feeling attracted and wanting to remain close o Expert power you have the broad understanding the desire o Informational power You posses some specific knowledge they desire How alternatives relate to social power Types of control Strategies for gaining power o On average men have more power than women o Money and status o Universalistic Exchanged with almost anyone o Particularistic Valuable in some situations Evolution theory on power What is intimate terrorism o Gender difference Intimate terrorism violence used to control or oppress Situational couple violence when heated conflicts get too heated Occasional and usually mild What happens if you have been exposed as a child Correlates to violence Chapter 13 Divorce Breaking up o Attraction rewards in the relationship o Alternatives o Barriers high for married couples How individualism effects o Leaves us less tied to Divorce rate in US compared to other countries o Children in the US are more likely to experience a divorce than other countries Incohabitation divorce o Predictor of divorce Stress theory model o The model posits that partners bring vulnerabilities with them when they enter a marriage and those vulnerabilities with both the stresses they encounter and their coping skills to determine how well their marriages function Results from PAIR project o There s enormous value in longitudinal studies like this but their results can be a little sobering Indeed in the PAIR Project after only 13 years 35 percent of the couples had divorced and another 20 percent weren t happy only 45 percent of the couples could be said to be happily married and even they were less satisfied and less loving than they had been when they wed Leslie Baxter study of college student breakups o Found that a major distinction between different trajectories of relationship dissolution involved the question of whether someone who wished to depart ever announced that intention to the partner who was to be left behind Rules of relationships o Autonomy Allow your partner to have friends and interests outside your relationship don t be too possessive o Similarity You and your partner should share similar attitudes values and interests don t be too different o Supportiveness Enhance your partner s self worth and self esteem don t be thoughtless or inconsiderate o Openness Self disclose genuinely and authentically don t be closelipped o Fidelity Be loyal and faithful to your partner don t cheat o Togetherness Share plenty of time together don t take a night shift or move out of town o Equity Be fair don t exploit your partner o Magic Be romantic don t be ordinary Stage of disillusion o People are less wonderful than they seemed in the beginning o Romance fades Pattern of interaction post breakup o Tend to meander to an end o Series of ups and downs o Gradual individual indirect