Chapter 11- Dialectics: we fluctuate in our pursuit of different goals (opposing motivations)o Examples: alone time vs. time with partnero Openness vs. closenesso Stability vs. changeo Integration vs. segregation from others- How attachment style relates to conflicto Preoccupied attachment styleo High neuroticismo Younger coupleso Incompatibilityo Alcohol- Responses to conflict- Association in instigating conflicto Criticism- demeaning & derogatory targets interpretation matterso Illegitimate demands- unjust exceeding normal expectationso Rebuffs- appeal not equal to expected responseo Cumulative annoyances- trivial events that become irritating with repetition.- Types of coupleso Volatiles- couples have frequent and passionate arguments. They plunge into fiery efforts to persuade and influence each other, and they often display high levels of negative affect, but they temper their anger with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other.o Validators fight more politely. They tend to be calmer than volatile couples are, and they behave more like collaborators than like antagonists as they work through their problems. Their discussions may become heated, but they frequently validate each other by expressing empathy for, and understanding of the other's point of view.o Hostiles are marked by negativity, and their marriages are more fragile than those of the other three groups.o Avoiders rarely argue. They avoid confrontation, and if they do discusstheir conflicts, they do so mildly and gingerly- All result in stable and enduring marriages- Key= maintaining the 5:1 ratio Attribution conflict- Fighting over whose account of an incidentis right and whose is wrong- Rusbult’s typology- p.3521. Voice is behaving in an active, constructive manner by trying to improve the situation by discussing matters with the partner, changing one's behavior in an effort to solve the problem, orobtaining advice from a friend or therapist.2. Loyalty is behaving in a passive but constructive manner by optimistically waiting and hoping for conditions to improve.3. Exit is behaving in an actively destructive manner by leaving the partner, threatening to end the relationship, or engaging in abusive acts such as yelling or hitting.4. Neglect is behaving in a passive but destructive manner by avoiding discussion of critical issues and reducing interdependence with the partner.- Types of conflict- Outcomes of conflict o Separation occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict.o Domination- one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates. This happens routinely when one person is more powerfulthan the other, and the more powerful partner will typically be pleased with the outcome.o Compromise occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations so thata mutually acceptable alternative can be foundo Integrative agreements satisfy both partners' original 'goals and aspirations, usually through creativity and flexibility.o Structural improvement- on occasion, the partners not only get what they want but also learn and grow and make desirable changes to their relationship- Direct Conflict- confronting the conflict- Indirect conflict- choses not to acknowledge the conflictChapter 12- Principle of lesser interesto Less interest = More powero Social power- is the ability to influence the behavior of others and to resist their influence on us- Types of powero Reward power: you can give them something they like or take it awayo Coercive power: you can do something to them they don’t like or take away something they do likeo Legitimate: they recognize your authority to tell them what to doo Referent power: they identify with you, feeling attracted and wanting to remain closeo Expert power: you have the broad understanding the desireo Informational power: You posses some specific knowledge they desire - How alternatives relate to social power- Types of control- Strategies for gaining powero On average men have more power than womeno Money and status o Universalistic  Exchanged with almost anyoneo Particularistic Valuable in some situations - Evolution theory on power- What is intimate terrorism?o Gender difference- Intimate terrorism: violence used to control or oppress- Situational couple violence: when heated conflicts get too heated. Occasional and usually mild - What happens if you have been exposed as a child?- Correlates to violenceChapter 13- Divorce: - Breaking upo Attraction-rewards in the relationshipo Alternativeso Barriers- high for married couples- How individualism effectso Leaves us less tied to- Divorce rate in US compared to other countrieso Children in the US are more likely to experience a divorce than other countries - Incohabitation & divorceo Predictor of divorce- Stress theory modelo The model posits that partners bring vulnerabilities with them when they enter a marriage, and those vulnerabilities with both the stresses they encounter and their coping skills to determine how well their marriages function.- Results from PAIR projecto There's enormous value in longitudinal studies like this, but their results can be a little sobering. Indeed, in the PAIR Project, after only 13 years, 35 percent of the couples had divorced and another 20 percent weren’t happy; only 45 percent of the couples could be said to be happily married, and even they were less satisfied and less loving than they had been when they wed- Leslie Baxter study of college student breakupso Found that a major distinction between different trajectories of relationship dissolution involved the question of whether someonewho wished to depart ever announced that intention to the partner who was to be left behind- Rules of relationshipso Autonomy: Allow your partner to have friends and interests outside your relationship; don't be too possessive.o Similarity: You and your partner should share similar attitudes, values,and interests; don't be too different.o Supportiveness: Enhance your partner's self-worth and self-esteem; don't be thoughtless or inconsiderate.o Openness: Self-disclose, genuinely and authentically; don't be close-lipped.o Fidelity: Be loyal and faithful to your partner; don't cheat.o Togetherness: Share plenty of time together, don't take a night shift or move out of town.o Equity: Be fair; don't exploit your partner.o Magic: Be romantic; don't be ordinary.- Stage of disillusiono People are less wonderful than they seemed in the beginning.o Romance fades- Pattern of