CLARK HDEV 155 - Giving Compliments and Expressing Tender Feelings
School name Clark College
Pages 10

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1Giving Compliments and Expressing Tender Feelings• Everyone needs positive feedback. • Some advantages of positive feedback:– Brings you closer to others.– Makes it more likely that others will continue to act in ways which you want. – Makes others less likely to resort to trickery and deception to get what they want or to get attention. – You are less likely to feel like an ogre when you finally are critical or express your annoyance. – When other people’s efforts have been praised and they know they are appreciated, it’s much easier for them to accept constructive criticism than if their efforts have been taken for granted. Guidelines for Expressing Compliments and Tender Feelings• Said sincerely and reflect your personality. • Statements that praise the whole person (global praise) often don’t work because people realize that generalizations about their whole character or behavior don’t fit. Describe or praise the specific behaviors that please you rather than giving global praise. • Example of global praise:– “What a grownup boy you are. You are such an angel.”• Example of specific praise:– “Tommy, you are such a good helper to me. You set out the glasses and filled them without spilling. Thank you!”2Guidelines for Expressing Compliments and Tender Feelings• Additional examples of specific praise:– I can see that you put a lot of effort into organizing this report so that it could be easily read by the staff. I appreciate your thoroughness.– I appreciate the way you spend time answering my questions. It has helped me do my work more easily.– I just want to tell you how much your encouragement has meant to me. It has helped me feel more confident of myself, and I’m taking risks that I wouldn’t have dreamed of taking six months ago. Thanks!Guidelines for Expressing Compliments and Tender Feelings• Considerations when giving compliments and expressing tender feelings:1. Giving a gigantic expression of your feelings once a year is less meaningful to the receiver than giving lots of little compliments and positive feelings over a stretch of time.2. Limiting your praise to those times when you’re also criticizing creates resentment.3. Pairing praise with a request (i.e. “You’ve done such a good job of heading up the charity drive, I’d like you to do it again this year”) is often experienced as manipulation by the receiver, and 4. Going on and on with your positive feelings with shy people may make them feel so uncomfortable that they avoid doing the things you’ve complimented.3Negative Reactions to Well-Meant Compliments• This can happen when your compliment accidentally hits a sensitive spot and sets off incorrect thoughts or assumptions.– i.e. Compliment: “You have lots of potential.”• Receiver’s thoughts: – “That’s what I’ve heard all my life. It’s always potential! Nobody ever says I’m doing well now. I’m sick of hearing about my potential.”• You cannot be responsible for others’ incorrect thinking, but you can be sensitive to the impact you have on others and try to pick up the pieces afterwards. • Two possibilities worth trying:1. Restate your intent and try to find out how the person “took” your compliment. – i.e. “That didn’t come across like I meant it. Where did I go wrong?”2. Try to find out what the receiver wanted to hear instead. – i.e. “I can see I really turned you off with what I said. What would you rather I’d said?”Accepting Compliments • Most people want others to notice their efforts and to be liked yet when they get compliments, they often become embarrassed and actin ways that turn others off.• Some reasons for why people may have difficulty accepting compliments:– Belief that it’s conceited to accept a compliment.– Belief that showing pleasure in compliments is weak.• Some examples are:– Denying• “Gosh, who me?”– Rejecting• “You like this rag? I’ve had it for years and it’s out of style. Actually, I look like a wreck today.”– You may believe you don’t deserve the compliment, but rejecting it tells the other you think they’re stupid for saying something nice.– Returning the Focus Immediately• “Oh, I like your shirt, too!”– You may be intending to be modest, but the other person is likely to think you thought their compliment was insincere.– Joking Sarcastically• “Boy, have you got some taste! Where did you ever get your judgment?”–Though intended to be funny, sarcastic remarks put down others.4Guidelines for Accepting Compliments/Other Positive Feelings• Level one: Externally accepting them. • Simply saying, “Thank you,” and/or smiling or giving a hug. • Saying why you value the compliment is a meaningful way of showing your appreciation.– I.e. “I’m glad you like it because I took a big risk in painting the walls that shade of green.”• When it is hard for you to accept a sincere compliment, just saying so can be freeing.– I.e. “I have trouble accepting compliments, but I do appreciate what you’ve said.”• Don’t worry too much about saying the right words with the right degree of enthusiasm—can come across as stiff. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel.Guidelines for Accepting Compliments/Other Positive Feelings• Level two: Internally accepting them. More difficult.• People often accept compliments on the outside, but on the inside they block them off so the impact is not felt. • You can help yourself internally accept compliments by:1.Becoming aware of what stops you from accepting others’ genuine positive reactions toward you, 2.Assessing the inaccurate components in your thinking, and 3.Developing more accurate messages to give yourself.• When you don’t agree with the sincere compliment and you cannot or do not want to simply thank the person, you can simply express your disagreement and still thank the person. – I.e. “I’m not sure I agree, but I do appreciate your thoughtfulness.”5Refusing Requests• Refusing is an act of choosing priorities and identifying yourself as an individual who has limits. This enables you to have time and energy to put into activities and people of your choice. Negative repercussions often can be avoided if the refusal is done assertively as many people object not so much to the “no” itself, but rather to how it’s said. • Affirming your


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CLARK HDEV 155 - Giving Compliments and Expressing Tender Feelings

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