1Chapter 1: How Do People CommunicateOr Distinguishing Between Nonassertive/Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive BehaviorThe Nonassertive Option: Trapping Yourself into Nonassertion1. Being overly concerned with hurting someone else’s feelings and ignoring your own feelings and wants. You do not have to take responsibility for the other person’s feelings. – This traps you into the Nonassertive Circle. (Jump to the next 3 slides)2. Fooling yourself into believing that: your feelings aren’t real; you shouldn’t have the feelings you have; your feelings don’t matter when compared to someone else’s;  if you are assertive, an unbearable scene will occur; or  you have no choice other than to comply with what the other person wants.3. Manipulation. Trying to get the other person to withdraw his/her request so that you don’t have to say what you believe, feel, or want. The Nonassertive CirclePage 5The Nonassertive CircleI don’t want to hurt the person, so I decide to be nonassertive.But my suppressed feelings come out in subtle, negative ways which hurt the relationship.2The Nonassertive CircleYou can recognize a potential Nonassertive Circle by asking these questions:1. What will be the long-term effects on this relationship, on the other person, and on myself if I don’t say what I want, feel, or believe?2. Will these long-term effects be worse than any short-term discomfort I or the other person may feel if I am assertive in the first place?The Aggressive Option• Feeling vulnerable or like we are losing control can set off automatic exaggerated thoughts that propel us into aggressive action.• Some of the typical ones are:– I’m going to have to show him who’s boss around here!– She’s not going to get away with making a fool out of me!– I’ve put up with this treatment long enough, and I’ve got every right to get nasty now!The Assertive Option• Assertiveness avoids both of the extremes that aggression and nonassertion lead to. In simple situations, only a simple statement may be needed. In complex situations, listening skills and persistence are needed. • The three options are not on a continuum.– Aggression is the flip side of nonassertion. • Both nonassertion and aggression typically stem from feeling threatened and helpless, feelings that ultimately control us. With assertion we manage our fears, not letting them dominate us or force us into submission or an overreactive attack.• Both aggression and nonassertion put someone in the inferior position. With nonassertion, we make ourselves less than the other person. With aggression, we make the other person less than us.What does Nonassertive/Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Look and Sound Like(Handout)3Advantages/Disadvantages of Nonassertive/Passive BehaviorAdvantage/Disadvantages of Nonassertive Behavior• Disadvantages to us– Causes us to lose respect for ourselves. – Erodes our self-esteem. – Invites others to take advantage of us. – Others may like our nonassertiveness because we are not inconveniencing them. • Disadvantages to others– Parents raising their kids without consequences for behavior unintentionally teach them to expect the world to give them everything they want and to be insensitive to the needs of others. – Supervisors who bend with pressure, hurt the morale of employees who sense they can’t depend on them.– There are times that acting nonassertively is appropriate such as with a boss who, when disagreed with, is known to retaliate with a job dismissal. • Advantages to us– Momentary relief when avoiding conflict with others.– Perpetuates a self-image of always being available to help others and never needing help ourselves. Advantages/Disadvantages of Aggressive BehaviorAdvantages/Disadvantages of Aggressive Behavior• Disadvantages to us – Others may become less likely to give us what we want by not really hearing what we are saying because of the way we are saying it. – Carrying around extra stress by getting overly upset when others don’t behave how we think they should. – Making ourselves upset over small events like cars moving too slowly in traffic, secretarial errors, waiting in lines, or tactless remarks of strangers simply adds to the stress in our lives and leads us to feel a little out of control. • Disadvantages to others– Continued aggression in ongoing relationships at home or work typically leads others to become guarded and to withdraw from us. – Others usually do not directly confront us with our aggressive behavior so, often we do not fully realize to how much our behavior disturbs others until it is too late and the love or work relationship is damaged badly. – Can cheat us out of others trusting and valuing us enough to reveal themselves genuinely to us.• Advantages to us– Enables us to let off steam without regarding the feelings and rights of others– Can scare others into giving us what we want.4Advantages/Disadvantages of Assertive BehaviorAdvantages/Disadvantages of Assertive Behavior• Disadvantages to us– Others could take what we say differently than we intended—we can’t control how others respond.• Disadvantages to others– They may not get to continue to get away with the behavior that we were being nonassertive/passive about previously.• Advantages to us and others– Feeling better about ourselves and others.– Increases self-esteem.– Leads to the development of mutual respect with others.– Helps us achieve our goals. – Minimizes hurting and alienating others. Risks of Acting AssertivelyRisks of Acting Assertively1. Others may not approve of the assertive behavior. • I.e. Refusing a friend’s request. Friend may be pleased that you respected him/her, but may be surprised or disappointed.2. When you regard others’ rights as well as your own, there will be times when you won’t get what you want. • I.e. Asking assertively if you can turn on the tv while someone is studying while making it clear that you respect the other’s right to say no, increases the risk that they will refuse your request than if you used nonassertive tactics.3. You may find out that you are wrong.• I.e. if you ask the instructor why you got a C instead of a B, you may discover that you haven’t been doing as well as you thought. By acting aggressively and never giving the instructor a chance to respond, you could walk away still convinced that