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UGA MUSI 5410 - flawed introductions

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1) In my speech, I will argue that the Miller Learning Center does not adequately serve student needs. First, I will describe the needs a typical college student has every day. Then, I will discuss how the services the MLC provides does not meet these needs. And, finally, I will provide a plan that the MLC can adopt to better serve its student population. The problem with this introduction is that while it tells the audience what the reader is going to do, it is too straightforward. It needs to be changed to flow more better. 1) CHANGED: In my speech, I will be discussing the Miller Learning Center and why it does not adequately meet students needs. It is ineffective for students because it does not fit college students' schedules or make for a better learning environment. However, with a plan of action and my ideas, I know that I can change the Miller Learning Center to be more accessible to students' needs everywhere. 2) Last week I did something that makes me cringe even thinking about it. And, it was not my first time doing this thing. In fact, I do this thing as often as I can. What am I talking about, you ask? Giving blood. Yes, even though I consider myself among the “needle averse” population, I still donate as much as I can and after listening to this speech, I hope you might be more interested in donating blood. However, my purpose here today is not to persuade you, but rather to inform you about blood donation. So, to start, I will explain why blood donations are even needed. Second, I will describe the blood donation process. And, third, I will explain what happens to the blood after it leaves the donor’s body. The problem with this introduction is that it sounds more like rambling or informal conversation rather than a speech. It needs to be changed to have a solid thesis statement. It also has a lot of unnecessary language. 2) CHANGED: Last week I did something that makes me cringe even thinking about it. I gave blood, and even though I am scared of needles, I made sure to persevere for the people that really need it. My purpose throughout this speech is to inform you about blood donation. So, to start, I'll make a case for why blood donations are even needed. Second, I'll describe the blood donation process. And, third, I’ll explain what happens to the blood when it leaves the donor’s body.3) “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,” continue with me if you would like, “and to the Republic for which it stands. One nation. Under God. Indivisible. With liberty and justice for all.” Not bad! Most of you likely did not have to think too hard to chime in because you have said those words thousands of times in school. However, some of you did not chime. Why? You did not know the words. Or maybe you knew the words but did not want to repeat them? If you find yourself in any of these groups, you are not alone. Today I am going to inform you all about the controversy over the pledge. While it might not be controversial to say the pledge in your hometown, it is becoming a national conversation and we should all be informed about it so we can make up our own minds. The problem with this introduction is that it starts off very weirdly and it does not really make sense either. Also, they are asking too many rhetorical questions in the introduction, which is a huge red flag. 3) CHANGED: “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands”. One nation. Under God. Indivisible. With liberty and justice for all.” Many students across America are forced to recite the pledge on a daily basis, however now it is becoming a huge controversy across the United States. While it might not be controversial to say the pledge in your hometown, it is becoming a national conversation and we should all be informed about it so we can make up our own minds on this severe issue. 4) It’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, I am not talking about the winter holidays. Y’all probably know exactly what I am talking about: football season! If you are a football fan like me, you count down the hours until kick off every Saturday. This year, unfortunately, the excitement is accompanied by fear. Fear that I will get trampled or pass out waiting in line to gain admission to the game. Last year, the UGA Athletic Association adopted a new policy for student tickets that is ripe with flaws. I hope you will agree with me after you listen to my speech. The problem with this introduction is that it has too many assumptions in it. It also uses the word “y’all” which is very informal and weird to use in an informative speech. Also, there is no clear thesis. 4) CHANGED: It’s the most wonderful time of the year - football season. If you are a football fan like me, you count down the hours until kick off every Saturday.This year, unfortunately, the excitement is accompanied by fear. Fear that I will get trampled or pass out waiting in line to gain admission to the game. Last


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