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SU CFS 388 - The Art and Skill of Relationships

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CFS 388 1st Edition Lecture 4Outline of Last Lecture I. Questions for the dayII. AdolescenceIII. Social developmenta. Double standards for males and femalesIV. Physical DevelopmentV. Cognitive DevelopmentVI. MasturbationOutline of Current Lecture I. Questions for the DayII. Expressing LoveIII. Lust vs. LoveIV. Common Questions about LoveV. PheromonesVI. Theory of Love #1: Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of LoveVII. Theory of Love #2: John Lee’s Six Styles of LoveVIII. The ABC(DE)’s of Romantic RelationshipsIX. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the ApocalypseX. Skills to Create Healthy, Intimate RelationshipsCurrent LectureI. Questions for the Daya. Is love a feeling or activity?b. What is Sternberg’s theory of love and what are its components?c. What are John Lee’s 6 kinds of love relationships?d. What are the ABC(DE)’s of relationships?e. What are the 4 predictors of divorce according to John Gottman?f. What does intimacy always start with?g. What are basic communication skills for relationships?h. What’s the difference between “I” and “You” statements?II. Expressing Lovea. Love is both an expressed feeling and an activityb. Needs to be consciously & verbally expressed on regular basis as well as backed up by behaviorc. Must be said AND shown; one or the other is not sufficientThese notes represent a detailed interpretation of the professor’s lecture. GradeBuddy is best used as a supplement to your own notes, not as a substitute.III. Lust vs. Lovea. Love at first sight is a myth; instead, it’s lust at first sightb. Lust:i. Lust = desire = the interest to approach someoneii. Entirely hormonal—based in testosterone or estrogeniii. Can, but does not always, turn into loveiv. Very intense and powerful, but quickly wanesc. Love:i. Emerges when both partners move beyond the physiologicalii. Long-term emotional experienced. In short: lust is chemical and burns out, love is more complex and can last longerIV. Common Questions about Lovea. Does love change over time?i. Not really; one’s experience of it or how one defines it may changeb. Can you make someone fall in love with you?i. No, but you can (possibly) make someone LIKE youii. We tend to like people who like US and reward us/make us feel goodiii. Express your attraction to the person; he/she may like you more as resultc. How do you know if someone is really right for you?i. Do you feel better about yourself when you are with them?ii. Must have similarities as well as complementsiii. Respect & reciprocity in relationshipiv. Benefits of relationship outweigh costsd. How do you know when you’re in love?i. Energized and happyii. Positive feelings regarding yourself and the relationshipiii. Wanting to be with your partnerV. Pheromonesa. Pheromones = genetic markers we unconsciously pick up through scentb. Tend to be more attracted to people with very different genes than our ownc. Having children with two distinct sets of genes increases health, immune systemVI. Theory of Love #1: Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Lovea. Three components of love: Intimacy, Passion, Commitmentb. Act as corners of triangle (fig. A)c. For consummate love, all components should have EQUAL WEIGHTd. Components combined in different ways for different types of relationshipsi. Intimacy:1. “Liking” the person for friendship, camaraderie2. Not genital (no passion)3. No commitment (not looking for relationship beyond friends)ii. Commitment:1. “Empty love;” just committed to being together2. No passion or intimacyiii. Passion:1. “Infatuation;” really just lust2. No real intimacy, not committed to each otheriv. Companionate Love:1. Intimacy + commitment2. Lacks passion; just a strong, bonded friendshipv. Fatuous Love:1. Commitment + passion2. No intimacy; people may not know each other well3. Commit too quickly due to lustvi. Romantic Love:1. Passion + Intimacy2. No commitment; a summer fling, high school boyfriend, etc.vii. Consummate Love:1. Ideal, balanced love2. Has elements of passion, intimacy, AND commitmente. When examining relationship, both people should have similar weights to their triangle (fig. B)f. If triangles are mismatched, relationship may not be a good fitVII. Theory of Love #2: John Lee’s Six Styles of Love (a.k.a. types of relationships)a. Eros (erotic love)i. Loves the ideal personii. Goal is to obtain “prize” of most attractive partner possibleiii. Usually short-lived; lover moves on quickly to another personiv. Relationship is surface, superficial, and transitoryv. On the search for a perfect trophyb. Ludus (ludic love)i. Interested in the game of obtaining the partnerii. Loves the chase, doesn’t really care about the “prize”iii. Lose interest once they gain the partnerc. Storge/Philia (philic love)i. Loves as a close friendii. Predominantly friendly, not passionate or romanticiii. Works well ONLY IF both people choose philic loveiv. Based on companionship above all elsed. Pragma (pragmatic love)i. Realistic and practical loverii. Only interested in that the relationship makes logical sense (i.e., the people suit each other well)iii. No focus on passion or connectione. Mania (manic love)i. Both possessive and obsessive loveii. Overly dramatic; debilitating in relationshipsiii. Appears in lust relationships most frequentlyiv. Lover latches on, is overly dependent on partnerf. Agape (selfless love)i. Manifest in the saying: “my lover’s needs are more important than my own”ii. Entirely selfless; focus is completely on partner, none on yourselfiii. Only giving, no taking—too one-sidediv. Successful relationships must be RECIPROCALVIII. The ABC(DE)’s of Romantic Relationshipsa. Attraction:i. Lust/desireii. Want to get to know the person betteriii. Self-presentation (emphasizing your most flattering traits) occursb. Building:i. Mutual attraction/flirtingii. Often involves spending time together more frequentlyc. Continuation:i. Become committed (go from “I” to “we”)ii. Honeymoon phased. Deterioration:i. Begin seeing each other as less than perfect (see them realistically, not ideally)ii. Come to recognize flawse. Ending OR Acceptance:i. Choice between learning to live with partner’s shortcomings OR leave therelationshipii. Ending:1. Choose to end relationship instead of live with their flaws2. Abandoning the relationship in hopes of finding something betteriii. Acceptance:1. Being OK with partner’s flaws (benefits outweigh costs)2. Leads to deeper commitment and


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