CFS 388 1st Edition Lecture 2Outline of Last Lecture I. Introduction to class and professorII. Review of syllabusOutline of Current Lecture I. How do you love well?II. AwarenessIII. “The Backpack”IV. Why We Love Who We Lovea. Love mapsV. Infancy and Childhood SexualityVI. Attachment StylesVII. Gender and RolesCurrent LectureI. Questions for the day:a. What are components of “loving well”?b. What are love maps?c. What are some qualities of an “askable” parent?d. Does sexual information cause sexual behaviors?II. How do you love well?a. Would you prefer great sex, or an intimate relationship with your lover?i. Great sex leads to sexual gratification (orgasm) onlyii. Close relationship has emotional and sexual benefitsb. Time—you must be willing to spend your time working on relationshipi. Learning the wants, wishes, desires, and needs of partner AND yourselfii. Begin to trust your partner and understand themc. Work—emotionally, physically, and mentally invest in relationshipi. Relationships go BEYOND lust and are more complexii. Many compromises and learning experiences with partneriii. “Little things” (small fights, annoyances, etc.) often end relationships when couples don’t work through them effectivelyd. Patience—coming to terms with your partner’s faults and flawsi. Being able to forgive your partnerii. Accepting their bad characteristics along with the goodThese notes represent a detailed interpretation of the professor’s lecture. GradeBuddy is best used as a supplement to your own notes, not as a substitute.e. Ask yourself: does the good outweigh the bad in this relationship?III.Awarenessa.Understanding yourself = being self-awareb.“One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want.” -Joe Fanellic.In order to love, you must first be self-aware:i.Do you know what you want?ii.Do you know who you are?d.Self-reflection leads to emotional awarenesse.Emotional awareness in turn leads to understanding ourselvesi.Learn how our past influences our presentf.Behaviors and attitudes towards relationships, emotions, love and sex form during childhoodIV.“The Backpack”a.Everyone carries ALL their emotions and past experiences with themb.Acts as a mental backpackc.At every moment we are gaining experiences cumulatively (always adding to the backpack)V. Why We Love Who We Lovea. Love Maps: a group of internal schema that begins forming in infancyi. Love maps act as messages encoded in our brainii. Describe our likes and dislikesb. Utilize love maps as shortcut to finding someone “attractive”c. We fall for or pursue those who most clearly fit our mapVI. Infancy and Childhood Sexualitya. Infants are VERY affectively sexuali. Affective sexuality: being close to others, touching, etc.ii. By being with infants, we teach them how to love and be lovedb. Infants are also genitally sexuali. Genital sexuality: deriving sexual pleasure through the genitaliaii. Male children sometimes have erections in wombiii. At 6-12 months, infants begin to “self-soothe” (rub blanket, toy, etc. against genitals)c. Attitudes are TAUGHT early oni. Infants accumulate info before they can articulate anything1. Learn about world, love, how people treat each other, etc.d. Parents are the primary sex educators of their childreni. “Askable” parents: parents with an open dialogue about sexualityii. Children with askable parents feel comfortable asking parents questions, discussing concerns, etc.iii. Askable parents take advantage of “teachable moments:” things on TV, what the child reads, and moreiv. Parents who teach shame in human body raise kids ashamed of sexualitye. Worthwhileness: having the capacity to LOVE and BE LOVEDi. Children who are loved grow up with sense of worthwhilenessii. Opposite: worthlessness (not believing you can/should be loved)VII. Attachment Stylesa. Secure: trust that others will provide love and supporti. Parents have provided love as well as opportunities for independenceii. Adults who were raised in secure environment are independentiii. BUT they also can be intimate, reciprocal, and trusting of partneriv. Maintain healthy relationshipsb. Anxious/ambivalent: fear abandonment, that needs might not be meti. People growing up in ANXIOUS environment:1. Parents are overbearing/overly involved2. Become very needy in adulthood3. Extremely dependent in relationships4. Often choose dominant or abusive partnersii. People growing up in AMBIVALENT environment:1. Parents are not very involved/inconsistently involved2. Child becomes clingy, jealous; constantly craves affection3. Very intense relationships as adults and are never satisfieda. Example: the type to ask “did I do something wrong?” constantlyc. Avoidant: defensively detaches and withdraws from othersi. Parents let kids care for themselves/are too busy to care properlyii. People raised in avoidant environment avoid relationshipsiii. Learn that relationships are painfuliv. HATE when people depend on themv. Have very hostile relationshipsVIII. Gender and Rolesa. Stereotype: a fixed, oversimplified, often distorted idea about group of peoplei. Often have negative connotationsii. Can contribute to racismb. Gender roles: stereotypes about gendersi. “Men are taught to apologize for their weakness, women for their strengths.” –Lois Wyseii. Example: 1950s housewife served husband and cared for kidsiii. Parents tend to reinforce in kids what they consider “appropriate” genderrole behavior1. Example: buying daughter a play kitchen and son a toy