CLARK HDEV 155 - Personal Rights and Responsibilities - Developing Self-Enhancing Messages

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1Chapter 4: Personal Rights and Responsibilities Developing Self-Enhancing MessagesPersonal Rights and Responsibilities Accepting your assertive rights is an important key to becoming more assertive. Assertive rights means:Acting in ways that tend to equalize power rather than overpower others. When you don’t accept these rights, you tell yourself you must prove your worth by pleasing others, forgetting about yourself, and never inconveniencing or upsetting others. When you’re responsibly assertive, you express who you are without infringing on others.23 Important Aspects of Assertive Rights1. Boundaries• Assertive rights does not mean acting any way you want with total disregard for others.  I.e. employee given poor performance review has a right to an explanation.2. Responsibility Accepting rights brings personal power which brings responsibility.3. Balance Asserting our rights doesn’t negate the other person’s rights in a situation. I.e. you have the right to make mistake, but the other has right to dislike it, feel disappointed about it, ask you to fix it. This balance of rights protects both from becoming powerless when one is acting on their rights. 1. Your Dignity and the Rights of Others The right to be yourself and feel good about yourself without damaging others in the process.  Different people respond assertively in different situations. Caution: Don’t respond assertively in every situation or express your opinion at every point in conversations.32. The Right to Respect The right to be treated courteously by others, be treated as a capable human being, and not be patronized.  Not deference Unquestioning approval of your actions or automatic compliance with your wants.3. The Right to Say No and Not Feel Guilty We all have a limited amount of time and energy and make decisions on how to prioritize and use them.  Consistently putting what you want below the wants of others is self-defeating.  Without setting priorities and limits you will exhaust yourself for what’s really important to you.  Consistently putting your wants first and refusing to do anything for others is self-defeating also.  This alienates others and denies the reality of an interdependent world in which some give and take is necessary. Saying no is not being selfish.  Being selfish is putting your desires before others.44. Right to Experience & Express Feelings We often tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel the way we do.  Feelings are a natural part of being human.  We often tell ourselves we should be understanding of others andincorrectly reason that if we understood others we shouldn’t feel irritated or disappointed with them.  This ignores the fact that we can think and feel at the same time.  I.e. understand that an important relationship needs to end, but still feel bad about it ending. Experiencing and expressing our feelings are two separate issues.  Once we accept that we have certain feelings, we often realize that our feelings are out of proportion. I.e. Jack felt upset when anyone, even newly introduced strangers, forgot his name. There are times when it’s more appropriate to deal with our feelings than to express them to others. I.e. would not tell your boss you’re bored by their jokes.4. Right to Experience & Express Feelings (cont.) Not expressing feelings in a situation affirms your assertive right to choose when and with whom to share your feelings. When you decide to express your feelings, it’s important to take responsibility for them. “You make me feel…” is blaming the other person and putting them on the defensive.  Saying “I get upset when…” is taking responsibility and not attacking the other.  Assertive expression of feelings doesn’t destroy, but instead can lead to increased understanding of each other’s limits and increased awareness of how the other’s behavior affects you.55. The Right to Slow Down and Think Before You Act You’re more likely to make mistakes when rushing a decision and won’t necessarily get more accomplished. Some examples of acting too quickly: Jumping to conclusions Interrupting others Rushing to resolve a conflict and imposing premature solutions Attacking others who seem to be doing things too slowly 6. The Right to Change Your Mind Decisions are based on the facts that you have at the time.  Changing your mind on the basis of new information is not being wishy washy, but demonstrates flexibility. Example of asserting this right:  “I’d like some time to think about it before making up my mind.”67. The Right to Ask for What You Want When you don’t assertively ask for what you want, you may consciously or unconsciously resort to trying to get what you want in devious ways that are likely to cause bad feelings and damage relationships.  It takes more energy to keep yourself from asking for what you want than to simply ask.  There’s no guarantee that you’ll get what you want by asking, but it’s more likely that you won’t get what you want if you don’t ask.  Asking for what you want gives others permission to clearly and directly ask for what they want also.  Neither has to second guess what the other wants which can lead to increased satisfaction in the relationship. 8. The Right to Do Less Than You Are Humanly Capable You have the right to not continually push yourself to the physical, mental, and emotional limit.  When someone tries to be a pillar of strength, people tend to take them for granted thinking they can do everything and take anything.79. The Right to Ask for Information You have the right to ask questions to help you make an informed decision and this often saves you trouble later.  I.e. asking for a second opinion, asking for references It wouldn’t be logical to automatically trust a professional simply because they have good credentials, were recommended, or have more knowledge and expertise.10. The Right to Make Mistakes It’s impossible to avoid making at least a few mistakes since it’s impossible to be perfect and know everything.  If you could’ve avoided making a mistake, you probably wouldn’t have made it.  I.e. driving too fast and got into an accident. Made a mistake in assuming you could stop safely.  You can only make the best decision at any


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CLARK HDEV 155 - Personal Rights and Responsibilities - Developing Self-Enhancing Messages

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