1Effective Listening Expressing our wants, feelings, and opinions is an important part of being assertive, but is only ½ of communication.  The other ½ is listening and making a genuine effort to understand what the other person is communicating back.  Lacking in effective listening skills leads to a higher likelihood of misinterpreting what others are saying.  Listening to others tends to encourage others to reciprocate and listen to you.Effective Listening Self-listening is when you listen to only part of what someone is saying, think about what you are going to say, trying to anticipate what the other person is saying.  Effective listening is not agreeing, but rather taking time and leaving room for others while reserving the right to disagree, make the final decision, or express your feelings and viewpoints.  If you are preoccupied with other things, it’s better to be honest and let the person know that you can’t listen to them at this time and arrange for a later time. Effective Listening Silent listening is using body language to communicate attentiveness while saying nothing except for “I see,” “Go on,” etc.  This communicates interest, but doesn’t let the other person know that you are getting their message accurately or to check out the degree to which you have accurately heard the other person.  Active listening techniques such as paraphrasing and feedback of content allow you to check out what the person said and the feeling behind the communication to ensure you’ve heard them correctly.2Paraphrasing Paraphrasing is using your own words to describe the speaker’s basic message.  Examples of paraphrasing language are: From your perspective… The way you see it is… Your point of view is… It seems to you… What you’d like me to know is… So, if I’m hearing you… I guess what’s important for you to get across to me is… When paraphrasing feelings, use a feeling word such as sad, glad, mad, scared to describe your perceptions of the speaker’s state.  I.e. “I get the impression that you’re irritated with what I just did. Am I right?” “It looks like you’re feeling proud of what you accomplished.”• Make sure to be tentative in your guess at what they are saying (the content) and especially the underlying feeling. • So, you won’t want to say something like, “Don’t you tell me that you’re not feeling mad!”Using Door Openers When you assertively refuse a request, give criticism, or express your feelings or opinions, the other person may hesitate to directly express their negative reactions.  When a person clams up, misunderstandings or breakdowns in communication cannot be openly dealt with. 3 Methods to Ask for Reactions in a Nondemanding, Nonjudgmental Way:1. Asking for reaction.2. Asking for message received.3. Asking for reaction based on body language.1. Asking for Reaction Do it in a straightforward manner such as: What’s your reaction to what I’ve said? How do you feel about my saying no? What do you think of what I’ve said? It would help me if you would tell me what reaction you have. Asking for the reaction relieves you of trying to guess and worrying about what’s going through their mind.  It also shows that you value their reaction, they are entitled to express their reaction, and that you believe effective communication is a two-way street.32. Asking for Message Received People often have negative reactions to a message because they have received it incorrectly.  There are many reasons for “not getting the message.”  The receiver may receive our communication through a distorting filter, hearing suggestions as personal criticism, hearing requests as demands, or hearing lack of agreement as personal disrespect.  Sometimes the speaker doesn’t communicate the message clearly. P. 184 example.  Examples of ways to ask: I’ve been talking for a while; what’s the basic message you’ve gotten from me? What’s the message you think I’m trying to get across to you?4 Steps to Take When Discussion Gets Heated 4 Steps to Take When a Discussion Gets Heated:1.Call for a Stop Action—stopping the interchange and focusing on the process of the discussion itself.I.e. commenting on how the discussion has gotten heated.2.Ask for information on the message that was received.3.Identify the source of the misunderstanding.4.Clarify what you meant to communicate.3. Asking for Reaction Based on Body Language Often it isn’t what a person says, but what they do that leads us to misinterpret their reaction.  Ask for an interpretation of the gestures that led you to think that the other person was reacting strongly to your statement, describe your feelings (optional), and request that the person express their reactions directly.  I.e. your tone of voice leads me to believe that you are upset with me. I would like to hear what’s on your mind. Would you be willing to share it with me? I.e. I’m noticing that you’re frowning and I’m not sure if that means you don’t understand what I’ve said or that you disagree. It would help me if you would tell me what your frown means. It is more likely that the other person will respond to your question regarding specific body language than to a general question about feelings such as “You seem angry.”4Negotiating Agreements In all relationships there will be times when two people have conflicting expectations about how each should act toward the other.  Effective listening skills and the ability to give and take when confronting a problem are important.  Some common misconceptions regarding conflict include: Conflict must be my fault Should be able to handle conflict so the problem never returns You must win the conflict in order to be OK Any compromise means losing and being less powerful  Conflict should be avoided at all cost Your solution is the only worthwhile one All conflicts must be resolved Compromise inevitably leads to bad feelings Long-standing or important conflicts can be handled easily in one discussion In any conflict, there is a right and a wrong party The party who is right must/will get what they want Being unsuccessful in resolving a conflict means being inadequateNegotiating Agreements (cont.) These misconceptions must be