1Common causes of nonassertion/passive behavior1. Fear of displeasing others Telling ourselves that we must have others’ approval andcan’t stand their disapproval. We incorrectly interpret disapproval from others as meaning that it’s our fault and that we’re bad.  A person’s negative thoughts about you do not make you bad.  Your own opinion of yourself and your behavior is worth at least as much as someone else’s opinion.  Your behavior is more likely to get disapproval when it’s unexpected and doesn’t conform to others’ expectations. Others’ disapproval of your actions often has little to do with your personal worth.  I.e. an employer that believes that any woman is lucky to have ajob will be surprised by a female employee’s request for a raise and probably won’t approve regardless of her personal worth as a human being.22. Rejection and Retaliation Often what we really fear about displeasing others is that the other person will withdraw their affection or end the relationship or use their power over us to get back at us.  The likelihood that others will withdraw or retaliate after you have been responsibly assertive depends on the nature of the relationship. Specific aspects of the relationship to consider are: Individual definitions of what’s acceptable behavior in the relationship. The kinds of expectations each person has. The give-and-take pattern that has been established in a relationship. The degree to which a person can accept or tolerate differences or disagreements. Moods The degree of fairmindedness of the individuals involved. The value that each places on the relationship. The importance of the issue. Their assessment of power in the situation.Assessing the Likelihood of Retaliation 1. Describe the specific situation in which you wish to be assertive but are concerned about retaliation.2. What do you fear will happen?3. What’s the concrete evidence that this person will retaliate in the way that you fear? (Has this person retaliated in the past, either with you or anyone else? What were the circumstances surrounding that retaliation? Are they the same or different than yours?)4. Is there any evidence that the person will not retaliate in the way you fear?5. What do you think will actually happen?6. Is there any way you can protect yourself from the person’s retaliation?33. Mistaken Sense of Responsibility: The Hurt Feeling Issue We hold ourselves responsible for others’ hurt feelings, believing it must be our fault because we failed to find a perfect way of being assertive which wouldn’t have resulted in the other feeling hurt. Also, we often make the error of assuming that it’s the other person’s positive or negative reactions that determine whether or not we have an assertive right in the situation.  Some people feel upset, scared, or hurt even when our assertion is justified, sensitively expressed, and is not intended to hurt them.  The key issue is whether you hurt the other or whether the other person felt hurt because they misinterpreted your assertiveness to mean that you didn’t care for them. A person can feel hurt even though you have done nothing directly to hurt them.  Responsible assertion involves trying to do the best you can to avoid hurting others, with full recognition that this won’t always be possible.4. Mistaken Sense of Responsibility: The Guilt Issue It’s justified to feel guilt when you do something that violates realistic moral standards, such as stealing or taking advantage of others. People often feel guilty even when there is no basis for feeling that way.  When you feel inappropriately guilty, any or all of the following events may be involved:1. You see yourself as the only one who can help and, therefore, you should take responsibility.2. The person in need often appears very helpless.3. A message is communicated that, “If you really care, you will do this for me,” or you give yourself this message.4. You don’t define your own behavior.5. You’re confused about the legitimacy of your own wants when they conflict with or might lead to inconvenience or displeasure for others. People often see themselves as the only resource available to someone in need simply because the other person has defined the situation that way.4The Karpman (Drama) Triangle When someone is rescued, the rescuer eventually ends up as a victim and often in the persecutor-aggressor position.  The so-called victim continues the same unhealthy behavior and eventually assumes the persecutor-aggressor position. Assess whether you are being helpful or are nonassertivelyrescuing by asking yourself the following questions:1. How much of my urge to help is caused by feeling guilty?2. Do I see the other person as a helpless victim? Does the other person have options, resources, or abilities to solve the problem that I am failing to recognize?3. What kind of assistance would really help the other person?4. What can I reasonably expect the other person to do to help themselves?5. What price will the receiver pay when I feel obligated and resentful?6. How much assistance can I give without feeling resentful?Rescuer Persecutor-AggressorVictim4. Mistaken Sense of Responsibility: The Guilt Issue (cont.) When you decide to do what others want instead of what you want to do, pay attention to how you feel afterwards.  If you feel resentful, hurt, or depressed, you probably have miscalculated the importance of your preferences.  Notice how your body feels.  Sensations like sinking heart, quickening breath, tightened stomach, or rigid facial muscles give you important information about your feelings and the real importance of your preferences. There will also be times when you feel satisfied afterwards.  The key is to know when choosing to give up your preferences will bring peace and when it will bring resentment. Feeling guilty does not mean that you are a bad, worthless person.  It gives you information: whatever you have done or are thinking of doing violates your conscience.55. Misinformation about Basic Human Rights The mistaken belief that you don’t have the right to act assertively.  It’s difficult to be assertive when you deny yourself certain rights simply on the basis of your sex or position.  I.e. Incorrectly concluding that as a parent you don’t have the right