Revising the Rough Draft handout 1 JOHNSON COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE REVISING THE ROUGH DRAFT: WRITING EFFECTIVE SENTENCES RESTRUCTURE SENTENCES WHENEVER NECESSARY TO AVOID WORDINESS. Often you can combine sentences through subordination to avoid wordiness. WORDY: The expression "Make no bones about it" once painted a vivid mental picture of a man eager to swallow his soup. The fact that he was eager kept him from objecting to any bones he might find in his soup. CONCISE: The expression "Make no bones about it" once painted a vivid mental picture of a man so eager to swallow his soup that he would not object to any bones he might find in it. WORDY: Alexander Pope was a poet of the eighteenth century, and he wrote many famous lines. One of these lines was "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." CONCISE: Alexander Pope, a poet of the eighteenth century, wrote such famous lines as "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." ELIMINATE CARELESS OR NEEDLESS REPETITION OF WORDS AND IDEAS. The repetition of the same word or idea in several sentences results in monotonous writing. Use pronouns to avoid the overuse of a noun, and use subordination or write a sentence with a colon to eliminate repetition of a large part of any given sentence. REPETITIOUS: Shakespeare was responsible for two of the expressions we hear today. Shakespeare was responsible for the expressions "milk of human kindness" and "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark." CONCISE: Shakespeare was responsible for two of the expressions we hear today: "Milk of human kindness" and "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark." BE CAREFUL TO INCLUDE ALL NECESSARY ARTICLES, PRONOUNS, CONJUNCTIONS, AND PREPOSITIONS. That is one of the most common words omitted in student writing. The world will never forget that Socrates died rather than give up his right to speak freely. [Without a that to introduce the subordinate clause, the reader at first thinks that "Socrates" is the direct object of forget.]Revising the Rough Draft handout 2 That may be omitted when the meaning of the sentence would be clear without it. Socrates felt he could not give in to the jury. Remember that indirect quotations are usually introduced by that. DIRECT QUOTATION: My instructor pointed out, "Socrates was the teacher of Plato." INDIRECT QUOTATION: My instructor pointed out that Socrates was the teacher of Plato. Remember also that words like so, such, and too used as intensifiers are usually completed by a that clause. Socrates was so convinced of the rightness of his position that he drank the hemlock rather than agree to the demands of the jury. Omitted prepositions can lead to unidiomatic phrasing. Socrates believed twentieth century. [Type is not an adjective.] in and died for free speech. [Believed for free speech is not idiomatic.] The type of stand taken by Socrates has served as a model for many people of the An omitted article often results in disagreement with the noun modified. Socrates believed in a free and with a vowel--in this case open.] an open society. [A should not precede a word beginning INCLUDE NECESSARY VERBS AND AUXILIARIES. Free people have always admired and will continue to admire Socrates' stand. [Have admire would be an error in tense.] INCLUDE ALL WORDS NECESSARY TO COMPLETE A COMPARISON. Most students know more about Plato than they do about Socrates. Plato was as brilliant as, if not more brilliant, than any other philosopher.Revising the Rough Draft handout 3 Practice Exercise A Underline needless words in each of the following sentences. For sentences that need changes (other than punctuation or capitalization), make the needed revision. EXAMPLES: 1) There are various and sundry examples of "doomsday" literature. 2) "Doomsday literature" has always been popular. The popularity of doomsday literature results from human beings' innate fear of the end of the world. "Doomsday" literature has always been popular because of human beings' innate fear of the end of the world. 1. There is a famous children's story called "Chicken Little," and the story sets forth one of people's real fears. 2. Chicken Little calls out to one of his animal friends, saying, "The sky is falling!" 3. The reason that Chicken Little thinks the sky is falling is because an acorn has hit him on the head. 4. One after another the barnyard animals naively accepts Chicken Little's observation about what he has seen and does not question the truth of his report. 5. In the story it tells about the disastrous fate that befalls Chicken Little and his friends. 6. The disaster he has predicted and foretold does not come to pass, but a disaster does come to pass. 7. Chicken Little and his friends enter a fox’s lair. Chicken Little and his friends are never seen or heard of again.Practice Exercise B developments like nuclear weapons. Revising the Rough Draft handout 4 8. The part of the story which most people remember is the warning which Chicken Little says which is that the sky is falling. 9. In this writer's humble opinion, people have an almost instinctual fear of the ultimate catastrophe. 10. Each and every person is fascinated by "doomsday" literature. 11. Even the great conqueror Alexander the Great, who conquered most of the known world, could not arouse as much fear as the possibility of the world's ending. 12. Alexander the Great met a group of Celts for the first time, and he asked the Celts what they feared most. 13. Unexpectedly, the Celts replied, to Alexander's surprise, that the thing they feared most and were most afraid of was that the sky might crack and fall on their heads. 14. In this day and age the fear of the end of the world is heightened by technological In the following sentences insert the word(s) that are needed to complete the sentence. EXAMPLE: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are more famous than any other figures of destruction. 1. The Four Horsemen--Death, Famine, Pestilence, and War--have and still ride across the motion-picture screen.Revising the Rough Draft handout 5 2. The Four Horsemen are as awe inspiring now as the Middle Ages when a famous woodcut was made of the riders. 3. Depictions of the Four Horsemen are especially common times of world disorders. 4. During World War I influenza killed as many people as war. 5. Thus it could be said the Horseman Pestilence was on the rampage. 6. Today many the world's people are so hungry that they see Famine riding boldly across the sky. 7. Since World War II people