CLARK HDEV 155 - Chapter 6—6 Types of Assertive Messages

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1Chapter 6—6 Types of Assertive Messages6 Basic Types of Assertive Messages1. I Want Statements2. I Feel Statements3. Mixed Feelings Statements4. Empathic Assertion5. Confrontive Assertion6. I Language Assertion6 Basic Types of Assertive Messages Which type of assertion you use depends on your goals: Maintaining your relationship with the other person, Achieving your objective, or Maintaining your self-respect.21. I Want Statements Use when:Referring to a specific behavior. Examples of I Want Statements:  “I want to do _____.” “I want you to do _____.” “I’d like you to do _____.” “Would you do _______?” “How about doing ______?” “I’d appreciate it if you’d do _____.”1. Effects of I Want statements Helps clarify to yourself and others what you really want. Gives the other person the information necessary to know how to fulfill your wants. Even if the other chooses not to fulfill your wants, you are relieved of the conflict of wanting, being afraid to ask, and worrying whether or not the other will do what you want. When the other person has wants that conflict with yours, you both can openly problem-solve the conflict and compromise, or learn to live with it.1. Guidelines for Using I Want Statements 3 ways to reduce the likelihood of others misunderstanding that an expression of preferences or wants are nonnegotiable demands:1. Ask the other about their preferences or willingness to do what you want. i.e. Instead of going to the party, I’d like to stay home with you. What do you want to do?2. Quantify your wants on a verbal scale (slightly, moderately, greatly, extremely) or on a numerical scale of 0 to 10.  i.e. I’d like to eat Chinese food tonight; it’s not a strong preference—about a 2.3. Clearly state what your I Want Statement means and what it doesn’t mean. i.e. I’d like you to go to the coast with me; that doesn’t mean I expect you to nor that you must. I’d just like it if you would.32. I Feel Statements Use when:Expressing a feeling in response to a behavior that someone did. Examples of I Feel Statements: “When you did ____, I felt ______.” “I liked it when you did ______.” “I didn’t like it when you did _____.”2. Effects of I Feel Statements Helps you express your feelings without attacking the other person. Clarifies for yourself and others exactly what you are feeling which may reduce misunderstandings. I.e. when you’re feeling disappointed, others may assume that you’re feeling angry.2. Guidelines for Using I Feel Statements Consistently using only one feeling word to describe most of your feelings (i.e. “I’m upset.”) does not accurately convey your feelings to others, and it may keep you from discovering how you actually do feel.  Instead of making a general statement about how you feel, specify the degree of the feelings you experience.  i.e. mildly frustrated, angry, enraged. When expressing irritation, first describe the specific behavior that you find offensive and then express your feeling. This can help reduce defensiveness in others by an “I’m angry with you” beginning statement.43. Mixed Feelings Statements Use when:Naming more than one feeling and explaining where each is coming from. Examples of Mixed Feelings Statements: “I have some mixed feelings about what you said.  I feel ______ about ________.  At the same time, I feel _____ about _____.”3. Effects of Mixed Feelings Statements When you communicate both positive and negative feelings in response to the same situation as opposed to saying nothing about mixed feelings, your ability to communicate is improved. The other person knows that their actions were neither all pleasant nor all unpleasant and is given clearer information about the parts of their behavior that are acceptable and unacceptable.3. Guidelines for Using Mixed Feelings Statements Sometimes it is more appropriate to express one set of feelings (i.e. positive) and allow the other person to respond to them before introducing the other feelings (i.e. negative).54. Empathic Assertion Use when:You want to do more than simply express your wants or feelings, but want to convey something sensitive to the other person that you are concerned the other person might feel offended by or put off by your assertiveness. Examples of Empathic Assertion Statements: Part 1: your recognition of the other person’s: Situation (i.e. pressures, difficulties, lack of awareness) Feelings (i.e. sad, mad, glad, scared) Wants (i.e. get better grade, discuss a topic) Beliefs (i.e. has been unfairly treated) Recognition is not sympathy or agreement. It’s an acknowledgment of the other’s situation, feelings, wants, or beliefs. Part 2: a description of the situation, feelings, wants, or beliefs. i.e. “I can see that you’re upset with me and not interested in talking right now; I would like to talk it over when you’re ready.”4. Effects of Empathic Assertion Statements May feel more comfortable being assertive when you have first recognized the other person. Helpful in important relationships where you want to reduce the chances that the other will become defensive or feel hurt. Reduces the chances of acting aggressively as it requires putting yourself in the other’s perspective before expressing yourself. Others are more likely to hear your assertive message when they know their message has been recognized first.4. Guidelines for Using Empathic Assertion Statements Try to keep the empathic assertion recognition part of your statement short to avoid losing sight of your own feelings and wants. The empathic recognition statement shouldn’t label or evaluate the other person. I.e. “I realize that you’ve been goofing off all quarter…” Avoid the phrase, “I understand how you feel.” This comes across insincere. Describe what you understand. Use the words “and” or “and yet” to bridge the recognition statement and the statement of your wants.65. Confrontive Assertion Use when:there are discrepancies between what is said and what is done. 3 Parts of the Confrontive Assertion:1. Objectively describe what the other person said would be done.2. Describe what the other person actually did do.3. Express what you want. Examples of Confrontive Assertion Statements: “I


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CLARK HDEV 155 - Chapter 6—6 Types of Assertive Messages

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