Ex. My friend Tanya’s boyfriend sits in bathroom with her…for #1 & #2…And then they meet another guy…do same thing…Initiating…For most people is lot of fun…Instead, your levels of emotional & intellectual intimacy might be more of central focus.Breadth refers to the range of subjects being discussed…Interpersonal Relationships (Cont.)Last time we talked about the Developmental Model of Relationship progression…Today we’re going to start out by discussing Dialectical Perspective onrelational development & maintenance.Developmental models like one we discussed last time argue that relationships occur in distinct stages…Dialectical models, on other hand, assume that couples face similar communication struggles throughout their relationships…From dialectical perspective……Communicators in intimate romantic or close-friend relationships face inevitable incompatibilities that must be resolved if relational satisfaction is to be achieved.First, dialectical theorists argue that in every relationship, participants struggle between connecting w/ others & maintaining their own autonomy.Our simultaneous desire to relate & spend time w/ others & maintain our own identity & spend time alone, can cause problems for two reasons.First…everyone’s need for connection & autonomy differ.(Class Example??)Ex. Last girl I dated wanted hang out four, five times week…wanted me call her everyday…She needed more connection than autonomy. I prefer more autonomy than connection. I’ve got lot of things I want to get done everyday…And I’m not very happy person when I don’t accomplish my goals for day.So everybody has different social & identity needs.-However…our autonomy needs change over course of our lives & over course of relationships.So if my last girlfriend & I had kept dating…She might have wanted more autonomy as relationship progressed… And I might have wanted more connection.The Second dialectical tension that occurs in every relationship is finding balance between Predictability & Novelty.On one hand, we need to be able to predict others behavior to some degree.Ex. If you bring your significant other over to your parents house for dinner……You want to be reasonably sure they’ll compliment your mom or dad’s cooking regardless of how it tastes. On other hand, there also needs to be element of novelty & unpredictability in our relationships.Ex. If you know exactly what your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, or even best friend is going to say or do before they do it……why spend anytime w/ them? In this way, relationships are like movies…if you knew the ending…you wouldn’t go see movie?Third, all relationships are characterized by openness / privacy dialectic.Ex. My friend Tanya’s boyfriend sits in bathroom with her…for #1 & #2… So certain guys want see girlfriends at even their most private moments. Other guys…usually ones who were raised by people & not animals…like to believe girls don’t even have bodily functions. Everyone’s different.Even regular friends struggle between being too open or too private. Ex. Seinfeld…George…Open bathroom door. MORAL: No matter how close you are w/ other people… they still might not want see you go to bathroom. -So how do we handle these dialectical tensions?There are many strategies…some are good for relationship…some are not sogood for relationship.-First strategy (and one we’re all familiar with) is Denial.Denying there is problem or tension only works for so long……Eventually, it all comes out…and when it does…its not pretty.Recently…there was wife who knew husband was cheating on her…Ignored it…ended up seeing two of them together & ran over him over & over again w/ her SUV.-Second way people handle dialectical tension is by Disorienting themselves from the tension.In other words…they might choose to end relationship rather than confront problem at hand.The younger people in relationship are…more likely they are to handle tension in this way……Largely because young people haven’t yet realized that no matter who they meet, there are going to be dialectical problems. -Third strategy we often use when handling dialectical tension strategy of selection…That is, we simply select one end of dialectical continuum & ignore other.Ex. January 19th issue of Time Magazine had extensive feature on Sex, Relationships, & Health…And one part of article dealt with sadomasochism, or “S&M.” Clearly these people, when faced w/ difficulty of balancing Connection & Autonomy…have chosen to ignore autonomy completely. In other words they have “selected” what they view as form of “connection.”Listen to some of these excerpts from that article:“Submissives relish transferring authority or their lives to others. The submissive might allow the dominant not only to tie him or her up…but to tell him or her when to go to sleep.”“One wife thinks of herself as her husband’s slave…”“Her husband tells her what she can and cannot wear…& if she fails to cleanout the car or work in the garden…he might spank her or stand her in the corner…”So…obviously, this is an extreme example of “selection strategy,” but you get idea.-Denial, Disorientation, & Selection are very rarely effective strategies for managing dialectical tension.The following strategies- Alternation, Segmentation, Moderation, Reframing, & Reaffirmation- work for different people in different situations.Use your best judgment.-So Fourth, some friends or partners choose strategy of alternation to deal w/ dialectical tension.For example, sometimes friends go through periods where they do everything together…sometimes they don’t talk for weeks or monthsAs long as both people agree on when to be connected or autonomous, predictable or exciting, open or private…an alternating strategy is fine.But inevitably, one party’s needs will differ from the other party’s…& if second party ignores first party…there’s going to be problem.-A fifth method for dealing w/ dialectical tension is known as segmentation.Friends or couples who segment their relationships basically emphasize some aspects on dialectical continuum & ignore others.Take the connection vs. autonomy question.Ex. For some friends…doing practical things together like homework or going to gym is more important than doing social things
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